Today I took a drug test as a pre-hire requirement for my new job. I’ve never had a urine test or anything like this before. Ten years ago I would have refused to take a drug test… purely on idealistic grounds, of course. To conduct a chemical analysis of one’s urine is an invasion of privacy. But same as how mold forms on an aging cheese, I’ve grown a conservative crust, and I can see the wisdom of keeping the public safe from PCP-using MBTA conductors.
Of course, I’m a technical writer. By giving me a drug test, the public is safe from stoned user documentation: Click the Reports tab to set the report parameters, which display on the blue-colored section of the screen like fat-lipped fish resting in the waters of a salt-thickened sea or After you click Submit, a confirmation message displays within seconds, but in the meantime you can stare at a blinking yellow dot and remember that it’s better to light a candle than curse the darkness.
Stupidly, yesterday at lunch I ate a half of a poppy-seed-covered roll before I remembered how poppy seeds can cause a false-positive result for opiates (another Seinfeld lesson learned.)
The internet convinced me that any effects from the poppy seeds would be negligible after a day, but I felt compelled to say something to the bizarre man who collected my “specimen,” just in case my test came back positive. Maybe he could vouch for me: “Oh, don’t worry about it. She mentioned to me that she ate this poppy-seed thing.”
Instead, he denounced the idea that poppy seeds could cause a false positive as ludicrous. “These tests can tell the difference between poppy seed rolls and heroin,” he spat. I laughed as if I were charmed. What is the etiquette of a drug test? How does one behave towards the urine-handling person? Ironically, my nervousness made me fidget and giggle like I was on drugs. Which I’m not.
