Emboldened by the commutation of Scooter Libby’s prison sentence and Bush’s evident nonchalance about leaks within his flailing administration, White House chef Cristeta Comerford stood before an international gathering of chefs for statesmen and royals and let it slip: President Bush’s favorite meal is… Cheeseburger Pizza.
Cheeseburger. Pizza.
My brain short-circuited, conjuring a slideshow of culinary monstrosities: white buns bloated with beef patties and dripping mozzarella, or two limp slices of pizza sandwiching a puck of meat, or—most viscerally—a post-coaster pool of half-digested cheeseburgers and pizza, mingling in vomitous union beneath a rollercoaster.
Comerford, a trained and credentialed chef who broke glass ceilings just by entering the White House kitchen, tried to maintain her dignity. She described the dish, with all the seriousness of haute cuisine, as “every ingredient of a cheeseburger on top of a margherita pizza.” That poor woman. Whipping out the word margherita in an attempt to elevate what is, essentially, ground beef dumped on dough for a grown man with the palate of a lunchbox-carrying third grader.
A bit of research revealed the dish’s origin: the 2005 season of The Apprentice, where it was marketed by none other than Donald Trump and Domino’s as the “American Classic Cheeseburger Pizza.” Classic. Sure. It’s a real pillar of our national culinary heritage—like Kraft Singles or dipping fries in a Frosty.
So no, I’m not surprised that Bush’s childlike intellect is fueled by Cheeseburger Pizza rather than, say, grilled fish or—God forbid—anything involving flavor complexity or fiber. I’d already read excerpts from former White House chef Walter Scheib’s memoir, Eleven Years, Two Presidents, One Kitchen, and it was no secret: the Bush family’s tastes were about as evolved as a drive-thru menu.
And just a thought: perhaps the man who refuses to eat hummus because it’s “icky” should not be allowed to make historic decisions about the Middle East.
