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The Fort Point Channel Swim Team

I’ve worked in the vicinity of the Fort Point Channel for over 5 1/2 years, allowing me to observe the Fort Point neighborhood’s amazing transformation from an artist’s haven and underground crime mecca into a viable destination for business and leisure. Honestly, the scene in The Departed that was filmed across the street wasn’t accurate, because when Martin Sheen was thrown off the roof, he didn’t land on an office worker wearing casual Brooks Brothers/Ann Taylor, talking on a cell phone, carrying a laptop and leather gym bag.

Developments since I’ve been here include: the new Convention Center and its string of luxury hotels, the Moakley Federal Courthouse, the redesigned Children’s Museum, the brand new Instititue of Contemporary Art, the Silver Line express bus to the airport, on-ramps to genuine Big Dig tunnels, and perhaps most notably, an outpost of famed bakery Flour, whose sugar brioche buns were the only reason that I went to the office today.

I guess I should apologize to all of the construction workers who I have previously deemed lazy, idling, lecherous, incompetent, and drunk. They have a flourishing cityscape that attests to their efforts. It’s probably just a coincidence that they are on a break every time that I walk by. [Just the other day, I was walking back to my office with a small pizza box, and a pickup truck filled with construction workers drove past me. “I wanna eat your pizza!” one guy yelled. It’s like I get older and older, but the construction workers stay the same age.]

Anyway, my main point: Today I saw two construction workers at lunchtime, SWIMMING in the Fort Point Channel. For those of you who never had the displeasure of seeing or smelling the Fort Point Channel, it’s a small body of water that connects the Boston Harbor to inland industry. Automobile bridges erected mid-century made it unusable for boats, and since then, it has essentially been used as an urban trashcan. Gillette Corporation infamously threw a secret “Boston Razorblade Party” in the channel that was discovered decades after the fact. Peer into the water, and you’ll see a profusion of floating trash and dead jellyfish.

To see humans swimming in the Channel was sort of like seeing humans drink toxic sludge. People stopped, stared, gagged. “What are they doing?” one woman shouted at an onlooking construction worker. “They’re cooling off, taking a break,” the construction worker smugly said in a South Shore accent. “That’s a good way to get a rash,” I said to no one in particular. “I was thinking parasites,” one man answered. “Sterility,” pronounced another. “At least they’re not putting their faces in,” his friend said, “or they’d go blind.”

Posted in Massachusetts.

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Eggistential (Or Cosmic Yolk)

Why are eggs “hard” and “soft” when boiled, but “hard” and “easy” when fried?
Even more vexing, why do I like my eggs hard-boiled or over-easy, but I don’t like my eggs soft-boiled or over-hard?

Why are eggs “hard” and “soft” when boiled, but “hard” and “easy” when fried?
Even more vexing, why do I like my eggs hard-boiled or over-easy, but I don’t like my eggs soft-boiled or over-hard?

Posted in Existence.

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Moron Wit

This morning’s train was so delayed that I read the New York Times all the way to the back of Section A’s US Presidential candidate coverage by the time we got to Newton. It was an unheard consumption of world news so early in the morning. As surfeited as if I gorged on a dozen Pop Tarts, my eyes glazed as I gazed at a big picture of Mitt Romney doing the campaign song-and-dance in Iowa.
Thoughts thought while staring at Mitt:
* I should write a post about John McCain’s dying presidential bid, which was epitomized by last week’s report of McCain flying on commercial airlines to save money. “I helped him put his luggage in the overhead bin,” bragged one self-important man, which evoked instant pity for the once-mighty Senator. I had the post’s punchline: If McCain spent 5 years being tortured in the Hanoi Hilton, then he’ll eventually adjust to commercial airline travel.
* I should write a post about the new heart device that Dick Cheney received this past weekend, a part fantasy, part social commentary piece. Synopsis: Cheney, outfitted with his new ‘change of heart’ device, invites an unsuspecting Bush to go hunting, resulting in a spectacular murder-suicide. “This is for you, Nancy Pelosi. Please restore democracy to this great land. America: Vote Edwards in 2008!” says the note pinned to Cheney’s body.
* I should stop caring. Why do I invest a large amount of my time and energy in caring about world affairs? Look at that lady sitting next to me. She’s ripping through a romance paperback and she looks like a happy, stress-free, well-adjusted human. She doesn’t hold well-formed opinions about current events that she is powerless to affect. She’s not shortening her lifespan by stressing out about the dismal state of this doomed world. Ignorance is mud, and she’s a pig.
* I should write a disrespectul, sophomoric poem about Mitt Romney, only because the latent rhyming potential is too great to ignore (Mormon Mitt… boring shit… whore armpit… no-fun twit… four-ton zit… ignoring tit… )

Posted in In the News.

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Beach Invasion

It was a semi-prime beach day, in the low 80s with hazy sunshine. Accordingly, Crane’s Beach in Ipswitch was semi-packed.
Next to our umbrella was a brigade of tanned, toned women who could cruelly be identified as middle-aged. They sat in chairs in a single line facing the sun, and only one of them would talk at one time. She’d deliver a long narrative in a lilting drone until someone else roused to take over the vocal duties. When not talking, the women closed their eyes and sipped from cans that I later identified as Tab.
Except for this klatch of lethargic housewives, our spot of beach was quiet. The ebbing low tide waves lulled us into beach comas. And then –
“Wir sitzen hier!” Brash German voices assailed the peace. A group of strapping adults and two blond boys strode onto the patch of sand directly in front of us. Blankets were unfurled, buckets of toys were emptied, and conversation was screamed.
“Gesetzte die Sonnencreme auf deinen Schultern!” the mother screamed at the children before attacking them with a bottle of Neutrogena sunscreen.
“Das wasser ist sehr kalt!” one man screamed to the others as he ventured into the frigid ocean.
“Wo ist die Schaufel?” a child screamed at no one in particular, repeatedly.
“Oo-luh-luh,” Mr. Pinault said. “An invasion.”
The German youths immediately set upon building a sand castle. Soon, the entire clan pitched in to forge a sand empire that expanded in territory down the shoreline at an alarming rate. Mr. Pinault eyed them warily, like a cat monitoring a pack of dogs.
I decided to take a stroll down to the tidal flats. When I returned some time later, the German family had just finished packing up their things. They nodded to me as we crossed paths in the sand. I stepped past the sand kingdom as it melted into the tide.
“We won,” Mr. Pinault said, relaxing in his chair.
“Because the American showed up,” I said, kissing his liberated French face.

Posted in Massachusetts.

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Beowulf Does Not Suck

Imagine my surprise when I pulled up Wikipedia’s article on Beowulf  and saw someone had written that Beowulf “is an epic poem that sucks” (shown below – it has since been “fixed”).
I immediately flagged the Beowulf article for inappropriateness. I was appalled. “Sucks” proclaims unpleasantness. Epic poems that suck include The Faerie Queen and Paradise Lost. Beowulf, however, isn’t even in the same category as this sucky literature. By virtue of its Old English rhetoric, Norse and pagan roots, and scores of indistinguishable characters, Beowulf undoubtedly blows. It’s so unpleasant as to be painful. I would rather crawl on my hands and knees for 100 miles than to ever again read about Beowulf and Hroogar hanging out in the Heorot with Hreoric and Hroomund. God, that blows.

Posted in Culture.

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Nerd Words

I stopped keeping up with the latest slang. I’ve reached that point in life where the proportion of slang in my speech is inverse to the quotient of hipness that I am attaining. “Fo-shizzle, that French guy is hella filthy. We’re tight.” Yeah, as far as I’m concerned, everything’s cool, and everything will remain cool as long as I live.
But I don’t want my spoken vocabulary to stagnate. What if I made up my own slang, using words from science and technology? Then, no one could accuse me of sounding like a poseur…
* That dress makes her look so polyandrous (Polyandry: The practice of a female having more than one mate at a time, like the queen bee and her acrobatic orgy with her dozen or so doomed male drones. In other words, the lady is a tramp.)
* It’s like you’re qubitting my mind! (Qubit: Short for “quantum bit,” which is the means of digitally recording data about atomical particles using quantum computers. An extremely geeky but more accurate way of saying “reading my mind.”)
* He went totally PyroDice. (PyroDice: The username of a Navy man who drove from Virginia to Texas in order to burn down the trailer of a man who called him a “nerd” on an Internet chat site. When someone goes PyroDice, they are embarking on a sustained bout of rage that ends in a fiery inferno).
* Great Bustard! (Great Bustard: The world’s heaviest flying bird who recently laid eggs in Britain for the first time in 175 years after being re-introduced after extinction. The scientists who are working to re-introduce the Great Bustard to Britain are understandably elated. Great Bustard! essentially means Praise God!)
* Wait an attosecond! (Attosecond: A unit of time that has never been observed by humans. The shortest time interval ever observed was 100 attoseconds, which is 100 quintillionths of a second. 100 attoseconds is to one second as one second is to 300 million years. Therefore, when I ask you to “wait an attosecond,” I’m essentially telling you to go to hell.)

Posted in Existence.

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Bugging

I spend a small amount of my job creating bug reports for the software that I document. Most of the bugs that I create involve faulty screen text that the mostly foreign-born software testers and developers don’t pick up on. Engineers, bless ’em, just don’t see a difference between “Inspected Date” and “Inspection Date.” They’re not bothered by a single dollar figure called “Total Costs.” Email, E-Mail, E-mail, and EMail look exactly the same to them.
Bugs involving user interface nuances are regarded as nit-picky and low priority. My mentality is: how can clients trust our software’s core functionality when they’re distracted by our wildly inconsistent use of the terms “add” and “create?”
I won’t hold back on logging bugs for spelling and grammar mistakes, but inconsistent capitalization is one offense that I’ve laid off so not as to incur too much wrath. Today’s bug of the day – “ID, not Id” – was an exception.
“Bug Description: The ID field is displaying on the user interface as ‘Id’, not ‘ID.’ ‘ID’ is a means of identification. ‘Id’ is the part of the psyche, residing in the unconscious, that is the source of instinctive impulses that seek satisfaction in accordance with the pleasure principle and are modified by the ego and the superego before they are given overt expression. Which would you rather code?”

Posted in The 9 to 5.

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Nixon Grade School

A study of public school names in 7 states has found that it is increasingly rare for schools to be named for a president or other person, and much more common to choose a natural feature or an animal. The researchers recommend further examination of how school names contribute to public education’s civic mission.
One startling finding: Of the 3,000 public schools in Florida, 5 honor George Washington, while 11 emulate manatees. Yes, the founding father of our country has been humbled by the sea cow. (Check out Manatee High School. You’d think their mascot would be a no-brainer, but they’re the Manatee Hurricanes. Brilliant.)
A Washington Post article lists the names of Northern Virginian schools that have opened in the past decade, including Colonial Forge, Forest Park, Mountain View, Riverbend, and Stone Bridge. One citizen committee considered honoring Barbara Bush or former governor Mills E. Godwin, but decided on Forest Park because “Next to the park. Not offending anyone. Not controversial.”
Of course “Nixon Grade School” is not an appropriate moniker for anything besides a punk band, and “Clinton High School” insinuates the punch line of a dirty joke, but if all of our public figures are that polemic, then maybe school names that sound suspiciously like residential communities are indicative of a larger problem. Is the fabric of our society so porous… are our values and morals so scattered… are we so busy worshipping Paris Hilton that we cannot agree on our children’s heroes and role models?
Perhaps branding plays a large part in the trend. Pretty soon public schools will tap into their latent marketing muscle to sound as uncontroversial and bland as possible: Sunny Schoolhouse. Bright Acerage. Ritalin Academy. Brainy Pastures. The Benign School.
Me, I went to Methacton High School in the eponymous school district. Yep, just a good, old-fashioned Indian public school name that has long ceased to look or sound strange to me. Supposedly, “Methacton” is a Lenape word that means “evil hill,” which succintly sums up the public school experience for me. In college, a friend didn’t believe that my school was called Methacton. “It sounds like a designer drug,” he said. “I think I took some methacton last night.”

Posted in Americana.

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London’s Flooding

Areas of southern and central England are paralyzed by severe floodwaters after receiving 2 months’ worth of rain in one day. A number of towns, including parts of London, have flood warnings in effect through tonight as the rivers continue to rise. This is England’s second public emergency this summer caused by a deluge of rain. (Boy, I admire those Brits. Note how they use the swanky word “deluge” in news articles, whereas the American media relies on the term “flood” and makes repeated, pointed references to Noah’s Arc.)
Hundreds of thousands of residents are currently affected by the loss of services such as tap water and electricity, with officials warning that it could be weeks until the water supply is restored. Entire communities are being evacuated, the trains are not running, and individual horror stories are mounting. “I went out yesterday morning for a latte, to be told it couldn’t happen as the Wiseman dairy was under water,” reports a journalist in Gloucestershire. A hotelier reports that rising waters forced people to spend the night at the hotel.
Hm. The famous British stiff upper lip can weather bombs and terrorism, but apparently dissolves in water faster than a Wham Bar. How can the country that would not bow to Hitler be humbled by 19th century drainage infrastructure?

Posted in In the News.

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Gone Fishing

Or something spiritually-akin to fishing, like sleeping.
Allow me to revise my previous declaration: “Gone Sleeping.”

Posted in Miscellany.

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