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Spectatorship

Pictured to the right, courtesy of my camera’s superzoom, is Mr Pinault, zipping up his wetsuit before the commencement of this morning’s sprint triathlon in Greenfield, MA. Yow!

It was a beautiful morning to play spectator to the physical anguish of others.

I sat on a concrete and stone wall, watching the cycling portion of the race. Nearby a mother and her two sub-ten year old children waited in a state of cat-like readiness for Daddy to pass by. “Where’s Daddy? Where’s Daddy?” the son and daughter asked repeatedly, bouncing on their behinds. “I don’t know, kids,” the mother said with a light tone in her voice as she peered eagerly at the faces of the oncoming cyclists. “We should be seeing him soon!”

Finally Daddy was spied from afar. His fans sprung to their feet in anticipation of their hero’s passage. “Daddy! Daddy!” the kids called to the lumbering Clydesdale man, pedaling bow-legged on his top-of-the-line racing bicycle. The son rushed to the side of the road, waving his arms. “Go Daddy!”

Daddy lifted his torso, turned to his family, raised his arm… and beamed his son on the foot with an empty water bottle. Several pieces of opaque cellophane floated to the ground. “Pick that up, will you?” he called as he sped away. Enthusiasm deflated, the family sat down, silent.

Surely a man cannot be expected to be Father of the Year in the midst of a triathlon. Yet one does not expect him to throw trash at his family, either.

Posted in Existence.

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Gephyrophobia

I have an eccentric distant cousin who refuses to drive or be driven over bridges. I’m sure the Minneapolis bridge collapse and the ensuing hysteria about general bridge safety (1 in 10 of nation’s bridges are structurally deficient! screams media) has validated her anxiety, heightened her resolve, and made her a forerunner in the Next Big National Fear: Gephyrophobia.

From what I’ve read, most people who suffer from gephyrophobia, defined as an abnormal and persistent fear of crossing bridges, are pathologically fixated on the idea of driving off of the bridge into the water. Perhaps it’s never occurred to people to be anxious about the bridge’s integrity. Until now.

President George W. Bush, known for his snappy and eloquent reactions to unexpected tragedy, has pledged federal support to rebuild the bridge. “We in the federal government must respond, and respond robustly, to help the people there not only recover, but to make sure that lifeline of activity – that bridge – gets rebuilt as quickly as possible.” Yeah, whatever, Bush. You are doing little to quell the tide of gephyrophobia. Your credibility is nil. Everything you touch turns to rubble.

Speaking of phobias, I enjoyed this Photoshop contest of phobias, but only because of a visualization of luposlipaphobia, which every Gary Larson fan knows is the fear of being pursued by timber wolves around a kitchen table while wearing socks on a newly waxed floor. While I’m not an active sufferer of luposlipaphobia, the more that I think about it…

Posted in In the News.

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Googles

Today we have a new record for the *longest search engine query* ever to guide an unsuspecting netizen to this website! Congratulations to:
a stage actress in london opened a home and took in foster kids she was taken out of london with her sister during the war to protect them and she was traumatized by the lady who took them in when she killed a rabbit to eat she latter learned that she had blocked out the color red
Your rambling, superfluous complexity has confounded a search engine to the point that it has inexplicably guided you to me. I feel vaguely as if we know each other, as if I have seen you in a movie or a play, or read you in a book. Wait, are you a Beatles song?

Honorable mention goes to teenagers are showing an extremely cool indifference towards book reading now a days, which is showing an extremely weird wording.

INTERROGATIVE
why men go to prostitutes
who is afraid to drive the mt. washington auto road
what emotions does kenneth cole web site elicit
how many maximum grabs of carbs to stay in ketosis
having cup of coffee before gyming is good for health or not
can i watch a movie called glitter that has mariah carey in it on my computer
what liquor makes girls horny
what makes your urine smell foul in the morning
why is bowling green named bowling green on nyc metro
can peanut butter cure homos
who is the mayor of nyc
how to draw a squirrel cheerleader

SMUT
bugs under sexy shoes
i’ll give my left nut to see…
toreador crotch
hot sexy women in sumter,s.c.
nude merkel montage
caned in pajamas at my english prep school
“sweet valley” wakefield spanking
“blondes are exotic”
pictures of naked cannonballs

MISC/PERQUISITE
bob barker reacts to rod roddy’s death
paul banks, interpol, cocaine
“jumbo sacks” “shoulder ”
“custard enema”
britney spears serves her mom with mysterious papers
cords for green day’s holiday
lime green draft suits
techno beat from clorox commercial
mentally ill teens in institutions that wear diapers
classical music increase unborn baby iq
real world phoenixville
vivisection ugh
complex salacious removal
euroteens
vacational refreshment

Posted in Miscellany.

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Accomplished Poet, Thinker, Breast Man

I was excited that Charles Simic has been named the United States Poet Laureate. Excited because Simic is one of a handful of living poets whose work I can discuss knowledgeably, making me seem a whole lot more modern-poetry-savvy than I am.

The poem that springs to mind when I think of Simic is “Crazy about Her Shrimp,” which is a glorification of pleasure and homage to Dionysus. I first read it in college and its sexiness floored me. In some recent interviews with Simic, he sounds somber and serious, but he’s a hedonist at heart. Just what our country needs!

Crazy About Her Shrimp
We don’t even take time
To come up for air.
We keep our mouths full and busy
Eating bread and cheese
And smooching in between.

No sooner have we made love
Than we are back in the kitchen.
While I chop the hot peppers,
She grins at me
And stirs the shrimp on the stove.

How good the wine tastes
That has run red
Out of a laughing mouth!
Down her chin
And on to her naked tits.

“I’m getting fat,” she says,
Turning this way and that way
Before the mirror.
“I’m crazy about her shrimp!”
I shout to the gods above.

-Charles Simic

Posted in In the News.

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The Fort Point Channel Swim Team

I’ve worked in the vicinity of the Fort Point Channel for over 5 1/2 years, allowing me to observe the Fort Point neighborhood’s amazing transformation from an artist’s haven and underground crime mecca into a viable destination for business and leisure. Honestly, the scene in The Departed that was filmed across the street wasn’t accurate, because when Martin Sheen was thrown off the roof, he didn’t land on an office worker wearing casual Brooks Brothers/Ann Taylor, talking on a cell phone, carrying a laptop and leather gym bag.

Developments since I’ve been here include: the new Convention Center and its string of luxury hotels, the Moakley Federal Courthouse, the redesigned Children’s Museum, the brand new Instititue of Contemporary Art, the Silver Line express bus to the airport, on-ramps to genuine Big Dig tunnels, and perhaps most notably, an outpost of famed bakery Flour, whose sugar brioche buns were the only reason that I went to the office today.

I guess I should apologize to all of the construction workers who I have previously deemed lazy, idling, lecherous, incompetent, and drunk. They have a flourishing cityscape that attests to their efforts. It’s probably just a coincidence that they are on a break every time that I walk by. [Just the other day, I was walking back to my office with a small pizza box, and a pickup truck filled with construction workers drove past me. “I wanna eat your pizza!” one guy yelled. It’s like I get older and older, but the construction workers stay the same age.]

Anyway, my main point: Today I saw two construction workers at lunchtime, SWIMMING in the Fort Point Channel. For those of you who never had the displeasure of seeing or smelling the Fort Point Channel, it’s a small body of water that connects the Boston Harbor to inland industry. Automobile bridges erected mid-century made it unusable for boats, and since then, it has essentially been used as an urban trashcan. Gillette Corporation infamously threw a secret “Boston Razorblade Party” in the channel that was discovered decades after the fact. Peer into the water, and you’ll see a profusion of floating trash and dead jellyfish.

To see humans swimming in the Channel was sort of like seeing humans drink toxic sludge. People stopped, stared, gagged. “What are they doing?” one woman shouted at an onlooking construction worker. “They’re cooling off, taking a break,” the construction worker smugly said in a South Shore accent. “That’s a good way to get a rash,” I said to no one in particular. “I was thinking parasites,” one man answered. “Sterility,” pronounced another. “At least they’re not putting their faces in,” his friend said, “or they’d go blind.”

Posted in Massachusetts.

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Eggistential (Or Cosmic Yolk)

Why are eggs “hard” and “soft” when boiled, but “hard” and “easy” when fried?
Even more vexing, why do I like my eggs hard-boiled or over-easy, but I don’t like my eggs soft-boiled or over-hard?

Why are eggs “hard” and “soft” when boiled, but “hard” and “easy” when fried?
Even more vexing, why do I like my eggs hard-boiled or over-easy, but I don’t like my eggs soft-boiled or over-hard?

Posted in Existence.

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Moron Wit

This morning’s train was so delayed that I read the New York Times all the way to the back of Section A’s US Presidential candidate coverage by the time we got to Newton. It was an unheard consumption of world news so early in the morning. As surfeited as if I gorged on a dozen Pop Tarts, my eyes glazed as I gazed at a big picture of Mitt Romney doing the campaign song-and-dance in Iowa.
Thoughts thought while staring at Mitt:
* I should write a post about John McCain’s dying presidential bid, which was epitomized by last week’s report of McCain flying on commercial airlines to save money. “I helped him put his luggage in the overhead bin,” bragged one self-important man, which evoked instant pity for the once-mighty Senator. I had the post’s punchline: If McCain spent 5 years being tortured in the Hanoi Hilton, then he’ll eventually adjust to commercial airline travel.
* I should write a post about the new heart device that Dick Cheney received this past weekend, a part fantasy, part social commentary piece. Synopsis: Cheney, outfitted with his new ‘change of heart’ device, invites an unsuspecting Bush to go hunting, resulting in a spectacular murder-suicide. “This is for you, Nancy Pelosi. Please restore democracy to this great land. America: Vote Edwards in 2008!” says the note pinned to Cheney’s body.
* I should stop caring. Why do I invest a large amount of my time and energy in caring about world affairs? Look at that lady sitting next to me. She’s ripping through a romance paperback and she looks like a happy, stress-free, well-adjusted human. She doesn’t hold well-formed opinions about current events that she is powerless to affect. She’s not shortening her lifespan by stressing out about the dismal state of this doomed world. Ignorance is mud, and she’s a pig.
* I should write a disrespectul, sophomoric poem about Mitt Romney, only because the latent rhyming potential is too great to ignore (Mormon Mitt… boring shit… whore armpit… no-fun twit… four-ton zit… ignoring tit… )

Posted in In the News.

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Beach Invasion

It was a semi-prime beach day, in the low 80s with hazy sunshine. Accordingly, Crane’s Beach in Ipswitch was semi-packed.
Next to our umbrella was a brigade of tanned, toned women who could cruelly be identified as middle-aged. They sat in chairs in a single line facing the sun, and only one of them would talk at one time. She’d deliver a long narrative in a lilting drone until someone else roused to take over the vocal duties. When not talking, the women closed their eyes and sipped from cans that I later identified as Tab.
Except for this klatch of lethargic housewives, our spot of beach was quiet. The ebbing low tide waves lulled us into beach comas. And then –
“Wir sitzen hier!” Brash German voices assailed the peace. A group of strapping adults and two blond boys strode onto the patch of sand directly in front of us. Blankets were unfurled, buckets of toys were emptied, and conversation was screamed.
“Gesetzte die Sonnencreme auf deinen Schultern!” the mother screamed at the children before attacking them with a bottle of Neutrogena sunscreen.
“Das wasser ist sehr kalt!” one man screamed to the others as he ventured into the frigid ocean.
“Wo ist die Schaufel?” a child screamed at no one in particular, repeatedly.
“Oo-luh-luh,” Mr. Pinault said. “An invasion.”
The German youths immediately set upon building a sand castle. Soon, the entire clan pitched in to forge a sand empire that expanded in territory down the shoreline at an alarming rate. Mr. Pinault eyed them warily, like a cat monitoring a pack of dogs.
I decided to take a stroll down to the tidal flats. When I returned some time later, the German family had just finished packing up their things. They nodded to me as we crossed paths in the sand. I stepped past the sand kingdom as it melted into the tide.
“We won,” Mr. Pinault said, relaxing in his chair.
“Because the American showed up,” I said, kissing his liberated French face.

Posted in Massachusetts.

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Beowulf Does Not Suck

Imagine my surprise when I pulled up Wikipedia’s article on Beowulf  and saw someone had written that Beowulf “is an epic poem that sucks” (shown below – it has since been “fixed”).
I immediately flagged the Beowulf article for inappropriateness. I was appalled. “Sucks” proclaims unpleasantness. Epic poems that suck include The Faerie Queen and Paradise Lost. Beowulf, however, isn’t even in the same category as this sucky literature. By virtue of its Old English rhetoric, Norse and pagan roots, and scores of indistinguishable characters, Beowulf undoubtedly blows. It’s so unpleasant as to be painful. I would rather crawl on my hands and knees for 100 miles than to ever again read about Beowulf and Hroogar hanging out in the Heorot with Hreoric and Hroomund. God, that blows.

Posted in Culture.

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Nerd Words

I stopped keeping up with the latest slang. I’ve reached that point in life where the proportion of slang in my speech is inverse to the quotient of hipness that I am attaining. “Fo-shizzle, that French guy is hella filthy. We’re tight.” Yeah, as far as I’m concerned, everything’s cool, and everything will remain cool as long as I live.
But I don’t want my spoken vocabulary to stagnate. What if I made up my own slang, using words from science and technology? Then, no one could accuse me of sounding like a poseur…
* That dress makes her look so polyandrous (Polyandry: The practice of a female having more than one mate at a time, like the queen bee and her acrobatic orgy with her dozen or so doomed male drones. In other words, the lady is a tramp.)
* It’s like you’re qubitting my mind! (Qubit: Short for “quantum bit,” which is the means of digitally recording data about atomical particles using quantum computers. An extremely geeky but more accurate way of saying “reading my mind.”)
* He went totally PyroDice. (PyroDice: The username of a Navy man who drove from Virginia to Texas in order to burn down the trailer of a man who called him a “nerd” on an Internet chat site. When someone goes PyroDice, they are embarking on a sustained bout of rage that ends in a fiery inferno).
* Great Bustard! (Great Bustard: The world’s heaviest flying bird who recently laid eggs in Britain for the first time in 175 years after being re-introduced after extinction. The scientists who are working to re-introduce the Great Bustard to Britain are understandably elated. Great Bustard! essentially means Praise God!)
* Wait an attosecond! (Attosecond: A unit of time that has never been observed by humans. The shortest time interval ever observed was 100 attoseconds, which is 100 quintillionths of a second. 100 attoseconds is to one second as one second is to 300 million years. Therefore, when I ask you to “wait an attosecond,” I’m essentially telling you to go to hell.)

Posted in Existence.

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