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Linguistic Pet Peeve #82918: Seasoned Professionals

“Firm XXX has appointed three seasoned professionals to help grow the company…”

“I’m a seasoned professional with 25+ years of experience…”

“We’re looking for seasoned professionals who can handle the demands of…”

Is there anyone under the age of 40 (an unseasoned professional, I guess) who is not chafed when someone describes themselves as a “seasoned professional?”  We all know that is just a kind-hearted euphemism for “has years of irrelevant experience and obsolete knowledge.”

When I hear the term, I cannot help but to picture business people being shelled of their suits, placed naked on a broiler pan, and sprinkled with salt, pepper, and maybe a touch of cardamon.

Posted in The 9 to 5.

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Freude! Freude!

Tonight we attended a working rehearsal of the Boston Symphony Orchestra and Tanglewood Festival Chorus performing my all-time favorite, Beethoven’s Symphony No. 9. Despite having listened to the Ninth Symphony at least 500 times, I’ve somehow managed to never actually see a live performance of it, owing to schedule conflicts, sold-out performances, and one luckless trip to Tanglewood foiled by killer traffic on the Mass Pike on a steamy hot Sunday in August several years ago.  Freude! Freude!

So I was excited, but a tad chargined that we were going to a rehearsal rather than the formal performance. But, you know what? The Ninth Symphony is the Ninth Symphony. Its power cannot be blunted by uncombed hair and street clothes. The chorus may look like a bunch of sad sacks, fresh from the toil and monotony of their day jobs, but the sounds that emanated from their throats is the universal anthem of joy, and I got shivers. Freude! Freude!

Tanglewood Festival Chorus

Tanglewood Festival Chorus

Posted in Culture.

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Driving By Myself

Today I drove my new Jetta for the first time, alone. I’m still trying to master its sensitive manual clutch. Mr. P has given me several tense lessons during which I repeatedly stalled at traffic lights, shifted to the wrong gear (i.e, shifting from fifth gear to second gear while going 45 mph on the highway), and just generally spazzed out in traffic. “Driving’s not supposed to require this much thought!” I whined, my left foot pumping, my right hand shifting, my heart racing with certainty of impending fiery crash.

I had a 9am appointment in Waltham, so I started driving at 8am. Traffic was particularly heavy this morning, or so it seemed to me, because normally I’m paying no mind to the gridlock that I cruise past on my walk to the subway. Near a school, a cagey crossing guard who could change the traffic light to red with the touch of a button caused a 15 minute back-up. On Route 2, a broken-down van in the left lane created wicked gridlock that had me despairing for my future as a car commuter. “How do people do this every day without going mad?” I agonized, fiddling with satellite radio (free for the first six months), no song being able to distract me from the misery and frustration that is stop-and-go highway traffic, not even “Girl from Ipanema Goes to Greenland.”

But the manual clutch is becoming more automatic, as everyone has assured me it would. I’m starting to feel it. I made it to my appointment and back home again with no major incidents — just a few stalls and a several moments of “hmm, am I in third or fifth?” Pity the drivers behind me, though. I drive like an old lady with a texting addiction.

Posted in Existence.

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The French Re-Revolution

Perhaps you can tell from the banner of this website that I’m a big fan of the French Revolution. Best. Revolution. Ever. Not that I support mob vengeance and indiscriminate mass executions, but I get a warm glow when I think of starving serfs bucking against the political excesses and conspicuous consumption of the aristocrats by whacking off their heads with a guillotine, which I cannot help but to view as more of an instrument of justice than of death.

Let us not (ironically) forget Santayana’s Aphorism on Repetitive Consequences: Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. These are shaky times for French politicians. Given the French citizenry’s particularly terrific history of revolt, I’d recommend that anyone connected with the French government to wear iron scarves and stay clear of bloodthirsty mobs.

France’s leading society magazine is preparing the tumbrel for French first lady Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, the Italian heiress/pop chanteuse/former oft-naked model whom Sarkozy married shortly after ascending to the Presidency and divorcing his second wife Cecilia. Carla’s penchant for luxury was originally viewed as an asset to Sarkozy’s rather ignoble public persona. But Point de Vue condemns Bruni-Sarkozy as the “new Marie Antoinette” and points out some striking physical and biographical similarities between the two fashion-obsessed socialites, including the “same posture, same look, same smile” (here). Same neck too, perhaps? In any event, the chief difference between the two women is that Bruni-Sarkozy has been with many, many, many, many more men.

Also on the chopping block is Sarkozy’s 23-year-old son Jean Sarkozy, a law student who was recently tipped to head the public agency that oversees Paris’s La Défense, one of Europe’s biggest business districts. Why, the President’s son’s meteoric rise through the ranks of French government is nothing short of amazing! After the public outcry and charges of nepotism, ‘Prince Jean’ backed down from the job (here), though he maintains that he is succeeding based on his own credentials, which is so touchingly naive that it transcends callowness. Whatever. I want to take him home and feed him soup.

Meanwhile, the Mitterand clan — the preeminent ‘royal’ family of the French republic — is faring no better. Jean-Christophe Mitterrand, son of the late socialist president François Mitterrand, was one of 37 people convicted last week of involvement in the illicit sale of $790 million worth of Soviet-made arms to Angola in the 1990s (here). More sensationally, his cousin Frédéric Mitterrand is resisting calls to resign from his post as the French culture minister over mounting public disgust about his 2005 autobiography, in which he described paid encounters with “young boys” in Bangkok (here). Mitterrand admits paying for sex in Thailand, but he claims that he calls all men “boys” and that he was not referring to minors, a defense that might have a sliver of plausibility had he adamantly defended admitted-pedophile Roman Polanski a week earlier. Still, it looks like Mitterrand will survive his Reign of Media Terror with his head if not all of his other appendages intact.

And even former President Jacques Chirac is being hauled out of retirement to stand trial for corruption charges, in which he faces 3 to 10 years under charges that he awarded fake jobs to political allies back when he was the Mayor of Paris (here). Shockingly, 7 out of 10 French believe that Chirac — France’s most beloved living politician — should stand trial. The French are getting feisty, it appears. They’re sharpening the guillotines.

(Sidenote: If America thinks France is a socialist country now, just wait until after the next elections…)

Posted in In the News.

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Pantless

Last night I had my first ever ‘pantless’ dream. Strange how I managed to go 32 years without experiencing this notorious neurotic nighttime specter, and it should manifest on Halloween night no less, when my slumber should have been interrupted by brain-hungry zombies, criminal clowns, unrelenting serial killers, and rogue Republicans, not by inexplicable public nudity.

I was in a posh bed and breakfast with a lavish brunch buffet. Streams of people were pouring in through the front door and into the dining room. I wore a sweater and my heavy raincoat, but I had believed that pants were optional. Or at least that what I rationalized as I paraded around the dining room, nude from the waist down, feeling incredibly self-conscious about any ripply subcutaneous tissue that may exist on my exposed buttocks (only in my dreams, of course.) I considered tying my jacket around my waist to hide my shame, but I was convinced that this would make me look even more ridiculous. No, I needed to find my pants.

And then my dream ended as they all do: I woke up. And indeed, my legs were bare, but my closet was simply brimming with pants. What a relief. The end.

Posted in Existence.

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Kids, I Have Kit Kats

Today I was running errands in town when I realized that I had yet to buy Halloween candy for any trick-or-treaters who may catch us at home tomorrow night. In previous years, I procured Halloween candy weeks ahead of time, under the guise of being prepared when it was all just an excuse to have a readily-accessible basket of candy in my house. This was one of several eating habits that, ironically, contributed to my current inability to consume anything with a number other than “0 g” next to the “Sugars” line in the nutritional facts.

But I’m not bitter. In fact, I’m sweet. Sweet as a Kit Kat. Because I truly believe that children should be allowed to semi-annually gorge themselves on candy before they grow up to be adults with dysfunctional endocrine systems. So I stopped at CVS and headed to the chaotic remnants of the seasonal candy-and-crap aisle.

You may be surprised (or doubtful) to learn that I can regard Kit Kats, Reese’s peanut butter cups, Skittles, and in fact any sugar-laden treat with as much interest as a panda would ponder a pizza. Just being near the Halloween candy in CVS made my pancreas churn.

I picked Kit Kats because they were my favorite Halloween candy, back before the candy bit me back. But wait, did I miss something? What happened to the foil wrapper that was so much fun to unfold? And is it my imagination, or have the snack-sized Kit Kats shrunk into fun-sized Kit Kats?

kitkat

That’s small! I’m sure the fine folks at Hershey’s would attribute the shrinkage to concerns about children’s sugar consumption and portion sizes, but of course this change is purely economical. There’s a decrease in the net amount of candy per bag, plus now I’ll have to distribute 2, maybe even 3 of these puny Kit Kats to each trick-or-treater to avoid looking like a sugar miser. And they’ll have to eat 3 of these Kit Kats to be sufficiently sophonsified. Maybe I should throw some glucose test strips into their bags while I’m at it.

Posted in Existence.

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The Never-Enders

There are some people with whom it’s simply impossible to end a conversation. Perhaps they lack some hormone or cluster of brain cells that alerts a normal person when the dialogue has become stale, awkward, or has just run its course. Normally at that point, one person will initiate a conversation closer by saying something generic and cheery (for instance: “Well, good luck with that!”), and the other person will gratefully lob back a sentiment equally as bland and blithe (“Thanks, I’ll need it!), and they will part ways.

But some people just don’t pick up on not-so-subtle hints that the chat is dead and needs to be buried. They just keep going. Here’s a totally made-up example:

“Well, good luck with that Ebay auction!” the conversation ender will say, inching away from the conversation never-ender.

“Oh, I don’t need luck. I just need to make sure that I’m at my computer at 11:37 tomorrow night.”

“Yes, well, good luck!”

“But, did you know there’s software that allows people to make an Ebay bid one second before the auction ends?”

“No, I didn’t know that.”

“I mean, I could use that software, but I wonder what would happen if two people used the software for the same auction! Have you ever considered what would happen if two people place a bid at the exact, and I mean the exact, same moment?”

“I don’t know.”

“I guess I would use that software for something that I really, really wanted. It depends on the fees though, don’t you think?”

The never-ender will persist, purposely or non-purposely ignoring any sort of verbal or bodily hints that the conversation has essentially become a one-sided exercise in narcissistic prattle. The ender will be struggling to remain polite while mentally plotting when and how to attempt another conversation closer, this time with more force and, if necessary, rudeness.

Today I saw two co-workers who I consider flagrant never-enders talking together. It sort of blew my mind for a second, like seeing the two funniest people I know together, or the two biggest dicks, or the two most avid foodies, or something of that order. I walked past them on my way to a meeting, my shoulders narrow and eyes down. And wouldn’t you know, when that meeting let out 20 minutes later, I past them again and they were still in conversation! That’s when I realized that these two people could very possibly sustain a never-ending conversation. I almost wanted to stick around, to see how and if it would end.

Posted in The 9 to 5.

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Gotta Jetta!

Please excuse the gushy nature of this post, as I generally loathe gushing. Especially when it comes to objects. Especially when those objects come with a hefty price tag. And especially when they carry an eco-friendly badge that, when scrutinized, reveals a bit of a green-washed smirk.

But… it’s here. Our 2010 Volkswagen Jetta TDI (black exterior with black leather interior, touchscreen radio, seat warmers, alloy wheels, turbocharged clean diesel engine that qualifies for a $1300 alternative fuel tax credit) has come home. And it is the most wonderful, amazing, stupefying car ever.

What would Jesus drive? If the answer isn’t a 2010 Jetta TDI, I don’t know what is.

Did I mention that it’s manual transmission? How daring am I, buying a car that I can’t even drive? In preparation for the Jetta’s homecoming, Mr. P has been giving me stick-shift driving lessons on his Honda Civic. Miles of confusion, frustration, and some yelling (reminiscent of when he taught me how to ski, only no crashes) and finally I can drive around the neighborhood without stalling and dissolving into whimpers. Still, I have yet to actually drive the Jetta because its gearshift is different from the Civic’s (6 gears instead of 5), so Mr. P will have to give me more lessons on the Jetta. Which, honestly, he doesn’t seem eager to do. I think he has designs on my car.

It’s ironic that the Jetta’s homecoming falls on the same day that I lost one hour of my life during a disastrous morning commute when I spent literally 40 minutes in a tunnel on a disabled train. (I know I’m prone to exaggerating train delays, but this time, I’m being truthful). After the train was pushed into Porter Square station by another train, I squeezed onto the packed platform, and watched three jammed-full trains roll past. It was a nightmare. I used yogic breathing to refrain from punching someone.

So yes, I’m aware that my excitement over my shiny new car isn’t the most eco-conscious or civic-minded sentiment. But after a decade of being at the mercy of the MBTA, the thought of commuting with this beauty, with its reassuring purr and heated seats, feels like salvation.

And there it sits, gleaming in the driveway, promising freedom, independence, and an escape from the whims of public transit.

jettatdi

Posted in Existence.

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Harvard’s Breakfast is Getting Cold

Harvard University became a minor laughingstock last spring when they announced that, due to budget cuts resulting from a precipitous fall in endowment, they no longer had the financial resources to provide hot breakfasts for students. A recent New York Times article entitled “Leaner Times at Harvard: No Cookies” (here) highlighted Harvard’s draconian budget cuts, like no more cookies at faculty meetings and no more free warm-up suits for athletes. But it’s the loss of hot breakfasts that has become the symbol of Ivy League deprivation. Says the student body president, “Students generally feel that if you come to Harvard, for what you’re paying, you should probably have the right to a hot breakfast. They want to preserve the things that are at Harvard that you can’t get anywhere else.”

Actually, a hot breakfast isn’t always a right. I always feel that if I go to a $220/night Hyatt hotel, for what I’m paying, I have the right to a hot breakfast, but I have to pony up another $19.99 to hit the buffet the next morning. Yet the $79/night Holiday Express offers a free, hot, all-you-can-eat breakfast. Similarly, I went to UMass Amherst (the collegian equivalent of the Holiday Inn Express) and we had hot breakfasts galore! Everything was hot, even the yogurt. So, it seems that the right to a hot breakfast is, inexplicably, inversely correlated with wealth.

Harvard student athletes who practice in early-morning are particularly upset (here). One swimmer complained that the breakfast changes were especially “limiting to vegetarians, who will have to rely on hard boiled eggs and cheese as their only sources of protein.” Exactly what were the vegetarians eating for breakfast protein before the cuts? Baked beans and steaming hot tofu? Another swimmer speculated that the lack of hot breakfast “may negatively affect Harvard’s ability to recruit student athletes.” Hear that, Harvard? Penny wise, pound foolish. Harvard may lose all its athletic talent to Yale! (I hear that at Yale, every morning after practice, the swim team spit-roasts a poor person.)

According to Harvard, the elimination of hot breakfast will save the University $900,000, primarily through the cost of labor (here). So there’s about a dozen former dining service employees scrambling to find new jobs instead of scrambling eggs for Robert Joseph Harrington Watson III’s omelet. Finally, some actual pity is welling in my heart.

But… isn’t it sort of comforting to know that the recession is affecting all echelons of society? From the family of 5 living in a hotel room because Dad lost his factory job and fell behind in the mortgage, to retirees forced back into the workforce by decimated net worth, to the upper-class under-privileged richies at Harvard hunkering down over bowls of Cheerios, we’re all in this together!

Posted in In the News, Massachusetts.

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In Case of Loss, Please Return to: Margaret Atwood

I don’t know what possessed me to buy a $25 ticket to see Margaret Atwood read from her new book Year of the Flood at 7pm on a Sunday night. On Sunday nights, I like to be a homebody: enjoy a semi-elaborate meal with Mr. P, watch football or a movie, tie up any loose household ends, and prepare myself for the work week ahead, much like a yogi prepares for asana by sitting still and meditating.

But there I was, in Harvard Square at 6:15 , standing in a line for an optimal seat to see the literary legend Margaret Atwood. “What’s going on?” one college dude asked his friend as they walked past the line outside of the First Parish Unitarian Universalist church. “Probably a battle of the bands,” the other dude said, which made me snicker, because half of the line had their noses buried in books and the other half awkwardly fiddled, with their tickets, their phones, themselves. A group of meek-looking co-eds in front of me were talking about mysterious laundry stains. “Maybe it’s my deodorant,” the stained girl said, the urban symphony hushing slightly right before her words shrilly rang out. The conversation stalled and one of the girls took out her phone and announced “I’m going to Tweet.”

So yeah, Margaret Atwood. I went through an intense Atwood phase circa high school, fueled by The Handmaid’s Tale (my bff Amy and I were sooo into dystopian fiction) and Cat’s Eye, which I read at least 20 times because I related deeply to the narrator, an artist who reflects on her childhood and the “mean girls” who tormented her. None of her subsequent works have sparked similar devotion, although The Blind Assassin was certainly masterful, and I find her forays into science fiction to be not that horrible.

I was surprised that the First Parish church was far from full, perhaps because of the hefty $25 ticket price (copies of the book were not included; proceeds go to the environment). Atwood came out to affectionate applause from the roughly 66% female crowd. Some items of interest from Atwood’s talk and the Q&A:

  • Atwood lived in Cambridge for 4 years while doing her doctorate at Harvard (which she never finished). She claims that many of the buildings in her dystopias are inspired by Cambridge architecture, a comment that bewildered but pleased the crowd.
  • In Year of the Flood, one of the characters is holed up in a spa during an environmental catastrophe. Said Atwood, “I think a spa would be a good place to survive a pandemic, because there’s lots of towels, and the facial products are edible.”
  • I believe that Year of the Flood is the first book I’ve ever heard of with a soundtrack. The book contains hymns sung by a religious sect, and a friend of Atwood’s recorded a CD of these hymns. Atwood played us 3 of the hymns, which were folksy C&W gospel (“not all of them are this peppy”), and she even danced around.
  • Atwood read a few excepts in a soothing, warbly voice. Later, she sang us another hymn. She can barely carry a tune (“I know, I should stick to my day job.”)
  • On why she often writes from the point of view of the underdog: “I always preferred Batman to Superman, because Superman was cheating. He was from another planet. Spiderman had psychological problems, and he had a girlfriend. I didn’t like that.”
  • Atwood is a Trekkie. Who would’ve thought? She also took her mother to see Star Wars “because I knew there would be no S-E-X in it.”

As much as I enjoyed the reading, I declined to buy a copy of Year of the Flood, simply because I’m trying to curtail my purchases of hardback books. I’ll get it from the library. So at the end of the talk, when everyone lined up to get their Margaret Atwood collections signed (one man had a stack of 10 books), I only had my trusty moleskin notebook. But I paid $25 like everyone else, so I wanted my Atwood signature! Gathering my nerve, I handed her my notebook, opened to the inside cover page. To my horror, Atwood began flipping through my notebook, and I hastily motioned for her to sign the inside cover under the “In case of loss” text. She chuckled — yes, I made Margaret Atwood chuckle — and obliged.

margaretatwood

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Margaret Atwood, First Parish UU, Cambridge, MA

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