Skip to content

Great Moments in Personal Hygiene

After reaping a bonanza of new products from holiday gift-giving with which to sanitize, hydrate, exfoliate, deodorize, clarify, repair, ameliorate, penetrate, and generally beautify her external anatomy, our Heroine, dazzled by the array of bottles on her bathroom vanity and blinded by fresh steam from her shower, seizes a vial of moisturizer to daub on her rawly-shaven legs, after which she perceives a dull stinging that crescendos into searing distress, upon which it is discovered that the moisturizer is actually a non-organic thickening hair serum that is clotting her leg’s blood vessels so that the ivory white skin erupts into a rash of thrombus.

She bites her lip, bravely endures.

Posted in Existence.

Tagged with .

Comments Off on Great Moments in Personal Hygiene

By Meredith – January 9, 2007

We are the Champions

One of Kerry Healey’s last acts as Massachusetts Lieutenant Governor was to officially declare me a champion, which is pretty sweet of her, considering I once officially declared her a bitch. Yes, the entire town of Natick can boost of being legislated champions, now that the State acknowledges our slogan “Home of Champions”, coined when Natick’s firefighters apparently won the 1891 National Hook and Ladder competition. (I can’t find any substantiating evidence that there was such a competition, let alone that Natick firemen were the champions, but since no other town has claimed they won the 1891 National Hook and Ladder competition…)

The same ‘champion nickname’ bill also recognizes Brockton as the ‘City of Champions’… a most charitable designation. Brockton has masqueraded as champions for the past 50 years, refusing to bow to Natick’s prior claim on the moniker. Brockton feels that they are a city of champions because of two boxers, Rocky Marciano and ‘Marvelous’ Marvin Hagler. I’m sorry, but rearing two men who were notable for their ability to punch another human being unconscious hardly qualifies the whole town as champions.

The pride in our 1891 fire company’s exploits has not diminished with time or obsolescence, because champions are not born, they are inspired by the traditions of their community to triumph. Here’s enduring proof that Natick’s nickname ‘Home of Champions’ is no mere political patronage:

* Champion shoppers: The glorious Natick Mall was the first indoor mall in the Boston area, opening in 1966. The mall is currently undergoing expansion plans that will make it the 12th largest mall in the country. Those who would refute this feat as a consequence of Natick being the retail dumping ground of NIMBY richies in Wellesley and Newton should be reminded that a little-known prerequisite to being a champion is living within walking distance to a Neiman Marcus and Nordstroms.

* Champion demographic curio: Natick is the center of population in Massachusetts, a feat achieved by no other town in the entire state.

* Champion corporate flunkies: Natick is prime land for farms… cubicle farms, that is. As evidenced by the number of world-renown companies that are headquartered in Natick – BJ’s Wholesale, Cognex, MathWorks, Boston Scientific – our educated, obedient workforce wins a blue ribbon.

* Champion cobblers: Some of the greatest people ever have lived in Natick – Harriet Beecher Stowe, Doug Flutie, John O’Hurley (Peterman in Seinfeld), Rob Patterson (current guitarist for Korn)… Perhaps the most illustrious was Henry Wilson, the ‘Natick Cobbler’ who became US Vice President under Ulysses S. Grant. From cobbler to Vice President – he must have made some pretty great shoes.

Posted in Massachusetts.

Tagged with .

Comments Off on We are the Champions

By Meredith – January 8, 2007

Headless Steel

I don’t get excited by sculpture too often. I can feel detached awe for the technical skills required to mold metals, alloy, stone, and wood, but it is rare that I relate to a sculpture or gain a sense of an artist rather than an artisan.

Of all the sculptures at the DeCordova Museum and Sculpture Park in Lincoln, MA, Nina Levy’s HeadLong, as pictured on the right and officially here was a stand-out favorite.

Initially, I was occupied by how the naked figure sort of resembled me. I mean, not to make anyone uncomfortable, but if I was nude and made of steel, I’d look sort of like this.

I didn’t see the removed head, which is disproportionate to the comely body, as a “challenge [to] traditional notions of beauty associated with the female form,” as the accompanying text suggests. No, instead I was reminded of times in my life when I was regarded as a female body and not expected to think, feel or speak. I thought of the sculpture as naked, not nude. I wanted to hug her, to take her home and feed her soup, to offer her a sweater.

Posted in Massachusetts.

Tagged with .

Comments Off on Headless Steel

By Meredith – January 7, 2007

Hay Day

66 degrees in Massachusetts on January 6. If it had to be a day so freakishly warm as to kindle niggling unease about Mother Nature’s sanity, I’m glad it was a Saturday.

We walked on crowded trails in the Noanet Woodlands, laughing about how just last week we literally froze our faces off in Maine. We also plotted to pillage the inevitable “Going Out of Business” sales that will be plaguing New England ski shops this spring. I loved watching the horses graze on the farm that adjoins the reservation, also reveling in the weather’s aberrance.

He is pure air and fire; and the dull elements of earth and water never appear in him, but only in patient stillness while his rider mounts him; he is indeed a horse, and all other jades you may call beasts. – William Shakespeare, Henry V

Posted in Massachusetts.

Tagged with .

Comments Off on Hay Day

By Meredith – January 6, 2007

Riot of Passage

My alma mater UMass only makes headlines in Boston by virtue of its collegian buffoonery. Most recently, 5 students were expelled for riot-related offenses committed during a massive December 15 melee that lamented the vanquishment of the football team. The UMass Police website posted pictures of rioting students to be identified and disciplined. I love the file names: “firestarters.jpg”, “girl white tee not dispersing.jpg”, “burning shirt 2.jpg”, “lighting bushes3.jpg.” It seems like just yesterday, I was setting fires and taunting cops for the glory of UMass Athletics.

Nostalgia for my salad days (“when I was green in judgment”) manifests from time to time. I considered asking for a UMass sweatshirt for Christmas, but I’d be mortified to wear it around Boston. Whenever I see the UMass-emblazoned gear, it’s apportioned by a flagrant dumbass.

Like the two young men drinking brown-bagged bottles outside of the Federal Reserve building at 12 noon, apparently with delusions of Boston being this gotham city of cheap thrills. The UMass sweatshirt is donned by the indignant loud-mouth who resists his friend’s efforts to tug him away when four security guards confiscate their booze: “What! It’s a free country! We’re not bothering anyone!”

Or at the busy intersection outside of South Station. Pedestrians make orderly use of the four-way walk signal, and a scuzzy Cadillac takes advantage of a slow walker to attempt a right turn. But glaring pedestrians crossing in other directions block the Cadillac from completing the turn, mooring it in a cross-walk clogged with haranguing commuters: “What are you doing? Move! Get out of the way!” So the Cadillac inches awkwardly into the intersection, turning slightly to expose its license plate frame to a disdainful world: University of Massachusetts, so proud, so stupid.

Posted in Nostalgia.

Tagged with .

Comments Off on Riot of Passage

By Meredith – January 5, 2007

Snakes on a Train

This week, the MBTA slapped riders with a sizable fare increase that was perfectly timed to punctuate the mass confusion over the rollout of the new $85 million “Charlie Card” automated fare system, which is touted as proof that fare increases lead to fabulous improvements, like: Now you put your money into a machine instead of giving it to a person!

Who is Charlie, this transit mascot , you wonder? Charlie is the fabled hero of the 1959 Kingston Trio hit “The MTA Song.” He is stuck on the train because he can’t pay the exit fare. What is an exit fare, you wonder? An exit fare is way to increase fares without having to upgrade collection equipment, by collecting a second fare from exiting riders. So, I can only assume the MBTA is exhibiting its trademark absurdist wit by branding the new system with this victim of archaic transit equipment. Plus, lest we forget, they eliminated exit fares – meaning everyone pays more except the folks who ride Charlie’s line.

Subway fares went from $1.25 to $1.70, bus fares went from $0.90 to $1.25, and subway monthly passes skyrocketed from $44 to $66. Some simple math indicates that the average commuter who rides the subway twice a day, five days a week will save exactly $2 by buying the monthly pass. (Better not take a sick day.) Commuter rail riders face an average 22 percent hike – me, I now pay $186 a month for the pleasure of my Zone 4 pass. More math: Assuming I take the train a maximum 20 times a month, that’s roughly $9.30 a day. That is cheaper than driving ($4.40 for tolls, $9 for parking, and maybe $2 for gas.) But if I car pool with 1 person, suddenly driving is attractive. And if I car pool with 2 people – an actual choice for me – then the train becomes a costly luxury.

Yes, but doesn’t taking the train spare you the aggravation of the highways? Hm. The joke about the commuter rail is: It always runs on time, except in the winter (snow on the tracks), the summer (heat expands the tracks), the fall (leaves on the tracks), and spring (when they do track repairs.) And when you’re behind the wheel of a car, your adrenal cortex isn’t at the mercy of a unionized workforce, and your butt isn’t squished against the meaty thighs of a snoring, pastrami-digesting middle-aged man who is probably named Charlie. My theory: the MBTA is dealing with famously over-crowded trains by reducing ridership rather than upgrading service. And it just may work.

Posted in In the News, Massachusetts.

Tagged with .

Comments Off on Snakes on a Train

By Meredith – January 4, 2007

Some say the world will end in wire, Some say in lice

Weighing Preferred Methods of Global Extinction

With the holidays over, do you feel cynical, fatalistic … maybe even downright nihilistic? Try channeling those glum energies into a suitably morose but distractedly constructive exercise, like pondering Discover.com’s 20 Ways the World Could End.

The optimistic pessimist in me hopes for #2 Gamma-ray Burst. BOOM: Clean, instantaneous, and with no residue of our errant civilization for future sentinent beings to pick through and muse about our failings, unlike the human-triggered disasters (i.e., #9 Global warming, #11 Biotech disaster) or willful self-destruction (i.e., #15 Global war, #17 Mass insanity).

#18 Alien invasion tweaks my interest because it’s poetically just that we be subjagated into nonexistence by a higher life form like defenseless animal. It’s the dodo’s revenge! I also like #16 Robots take over, because it’s got Darwinian continuity.

But as a bleak realist, my money’s on Doomsday scenario #8 Global epidemics. Hell, why not – all my money. I’ve seen lattice-based pandemic models that make my immune system shirk in fear.

Since several fanciful fates are included (#12 Particle accelerator mishap, #20 Someone wakes up and realizes it was all a dream), I feel entitled to advance my all-time favorite: Zombies. “When there’s no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth” (from Dawn of the Dead, a stellar cinematic dramatization by prophet George Romero). Zombies relentlessly feast on humans, leaving decreasing pocket of survivors who eventually succumb to the Pandora pitfalls of human nature. That’s so much cooler than boring and predictable #7 Flood-basalt volcanism.

If I’ve depressed you, take this Charles Shultz quote to heart: “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” And then be cheered than there was once such a man like Charles Shultz.

Posted in Existence.

Tagged with , .

Comments Off on Some say the world will end in wire, Some say in lice

By Meredith – January 3, 2007

And the Parent of the Year Award Goes to…

The “swank” factor for Maine inns can be positively correlated with a high percentage of SUVs in the parking lot with NY and NJ license plates. Our inn was uber-swanky – a resort, even. There were way more families than couples. Wealthy families, since it’s an exponentially more expensive option than a week-long rental. Not quite Rockefeller-wealthy, but you probably don’t worry about college tuition if you’re laying out $25 nightly for an 8-year old’s dinner.

The ambiance in the inn’s common areas would have been pleasant if not for the domineering presence of indulged brats exhibiting no shyness over public outbursts. I realize that children have a tantrum phase, and sometimes even the most stalwart parents cannot dissuade little Brianna or Tyler from sitting on the floor and wailing. But I’m not blaming the 5-year old for having a meltdown while the adults dawdle over their torte and port after a 2-hour formal dinner.

Parents often respond to ill-behaved offspring with empty threats (“You keep this up and you can’t go to the arcade later”), though most child psychologists confirm that this is not an effective long-term behavioral modification strategy. I suspect such parental admonishments are designed to publicly acknowledge the egregious behavior of their little monster and demonstrate a firm willingness to correct it. Alas, they do little to brighten the spirits of the audience (us). I’m sure not thinking “I hope that kid keeps doing cannonballs in the pool! Then he won’t have a PlayStation tonight! Ha ha ha!”

“Stop it now! People are trying to relax and don’t want to hear that!” said a mother to her young son as he hooted and jumped in the lobby. How nice that the mother acknowledges what a pain in the ass her son is. How horrible that she does nothing to correct it except appeal to a young boy’s undeveloped empathy.

Only one parent won my genuine admiration for his parenting skills. In the outside heated 92-degree pool (pictured below, courtesy Mr. Pinault), three sub-10-year kids were stopped by their father from playing Marco Polo. They acquiesced, but demanded to know “Why can’t we play Marco Polo, Dad?”

The father picked up one of his sons and held him out of the water in the freezing air. “Because no one in this pool paid good money to listen to you guys play Marco Polo. Not even me.”

Posted in Trips.

Tagged with .

Comments Off on And the Parent of the Year Award Goes to…

By Meredith – January 2, 2007

Maine Lines

A scant two inches of snow fell while we were in Maine, barely enough for a few hours of nordic skiing. The official XC trails wind through a golf course, but since the underlying gravel made skiing impossible, we glided through the golf course fairway, basking in the freedom of trail-less skiing.

Posted in Trips.

Tagged with , .

Comments Off on Maine Lines

By Meredith – January 1, 2007

New Year, New You

I woke up this morning in Bethel, Maine at 8:30 am, body throbbing from back-to-back days of alpine and nordic skiing, stomach groaning from a 5-course dinner, and brain shrouded in the wooly effects of celebratory wine and champagne (not discernibly mitigated by virtuous water-drinking from 11pm to midnight.)

Every New Year, I am determined to start the year off right. At that point, the ‘right’ thing to do would’ve been to go back to sleep until check-out time and counted the day as a rest day, but instead I donned jogging gear and headed out in the freezing rain to the hotel’s recreation center, which includes a humble gym with mid-1980s cardio machines and weights.

I hit the treadmill on 5.5, slowly shaking off my hangover, thankful none of my running muscles seemed to be too affected by skiing. On the treadmill next to me was a slightly older, plump woman who started off walking and then took off in a tortured, unsteady gallop that was punctuated by raspy panting. Within 10 minutes, we were both perspiring cleansing rivulets of sweat. She was trying to make a new habit, I was behooved by an old habit, but on New Year’s morning, both can result in some pretty gnarly running.

Posted in Existence.

Tagged with .

Comments Off on New Year, New You

By Meredith – January 1, 2007