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Meta Me

Blog-wise, I’ve been a low-achiever. It’s being busy at work. It’s the cold weather. It’s the dread of staring at a computer screen with no idea what to write about. It’s the lack of a niche topic. It’s the suspicion that I’m posting to an audience of porn-seeking Googlers and Yahoos. It’s the necessity to write things too personal to tell the world. It’s living in a boxy apartment in this turtle shell called Natick. It’s being too exhausted by the state of politics and society to get angry enough to rant. It’s hormones. It’s my iron-deficient diet. It’s the drop of my coffee consumption to two cups a day. It’s the monotony of the commuter rail. It’s the lack of cats, kids, a home, and a car. It’s knowing everything has already been said. It’s the fear that no one cares. It’s the fear no one understands. It’s that so much of life happens in my dreams, and it is all as incomprehensible as crayon soup.

Posted in Miscellany.

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By Meredith – January 26, 2007

Lion Hearted

A 65-year old Californian woman is credited with saving her husband’s life from a mauling mountain lion. The couple was hiking when she heard her husband utter a “different, horrible plea for help”, and turned around to see the mountain lion wrestling him to the ground. She fought by beating it with a log and poking its eyes with a pen until the lion released the husband and fled.

Wow. I wonder how I would react if Mr. Pinault and I were hiking and a mountain lion attacked him. Would I muster the selfless fortitude to repel the lion? Or would I take my revenge for the time he taunted me for being scared of a snake: “Come on, what’s to be afraid of? It’s just a little mountain lion! Stop screaming, you’re causing a scene!”

Posted in In the News.

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By Meredith – January 26, 2007

Hungry for a Horse

A US federal court upheld a 1949 Texas law that bans the slaughter of horses for meat. Horses can still be sold to the glue factory by pigs named Napoleon or humanely killed in slaughterhouses, but the resulting horse carcass cannot by preyed upon by exotic meat fanatics in Europe and Japan. Instead, the horses will be buried in graveyards and given 3-volley salutes.

A deciding judge poignantly pointed out, “The lone cowboy riding his horse on a Texas trail is a cinematic icon. Not once in memory did the cowboy eat his horse.” Well, of course not in the movies. How terrifying would it be if Roy Rogers suddenly whipped up some Trigger kebobs?

But in reality, a starving cowboy stranded in the tumbleweed with a dead horse would surely be tempted to grill an equine steak (apparently, horse meat has a slightly sweet taste, like a combination of beef and venison.) To evoke cinematic ideals in deciding court cases is primitive. Like, “We never see people in the movies using the bathroom. Therefore, companies don’t have to allow their employees to take bathroom breaks.”

Though Texas judges should be applauded for their convictions about slaughtering horses for meat, do not overlook their mindless zeal in slaughtering humans for justice! Vengeance stew is a dish that’s both un-American and high in cholesterol.

Posted in In the News.

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By Meredith – January 25, 2007

Microsoft Ingenuity

I thought I’d seen every error message that Microsoft Word was programmed to throw at me. As a heavy-duty MS Word user who works in hundred-paged documents replete with graphics, cross-references, template styles, index markers, and all the other little bells and whistles that makes Word about as efficient as a Chevy Tahoe, I’ve spent a large percentage of my life clicking through error and warning dialog boxes as application struggles to cope with my megalith manuals.

So today, when updating the template of a 148-paged document caused MS Word to hang, I was stunned when the following message appeared:

Apparently, MS Word failed in a new and spectacular way that I’ve never seen before, but how endearing. It admits ‘hey, I’m really fucking this shit up,’ and understands that I’m staring at the screen in eager anticipation. Yet instead of coming out and saying MS Word crashed, it makes the termination of the program and loss of my unsaved changes entirely the fault of me and my impatience. It’s a brilliant dialog box, really.

Posted in Americana.

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By Meredith – January 23, 2007

Cold Called

Ring ring! Ring ring! I pick my office phone: “This is Meredith.”

“Good morning! How are you today!” a woman’s voice tidily booms.

I loath responding to this question until I know who the caller is (Are you asking me for money? Offering me money? Telling me my identity’s been stolen?) but I tersely say “Fine.”

“Wonderful! My name is L____ N____, and I’m calling from S_____P____. We’re a Boston-based group of seasoned consultants that specializes in producing technical, product, and software documentation.”

That’s odd. That’s what I do, too. “How can I help you?”

“Well Meredith, I’m told that you’re the person to talk to regarding the documentation needs of [my company]. Is this correct, and do you have a few minutes to answer some questions?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Sales Lady: “How would you rate the quality and accuracy of [my company’s] documentation?”

Me: “Well… it’s pretty good.” (Considering I’m devoting my life to it.)

Sales Lady: “Okay, that’s good to hear. Has [my company] seen an increase in the need for documentation in the past year?”

Me: “Maybe.” (Is documentation ever a need?)

Sales Lady: “Would [my company] be interested in outsourcing your documentation projects to a company with a proven track record for success?”

Me: “No, we’re all set.”

Hmm. It’s so rare that a person is directly asked if they would like their job to be outsourced. Maybe teams of 50 writers at big fancy company with stuffed budgets could get away with outsourcing some of their doc work, but I’m a lone wolf, loping madly out of the cross-hairs. It’s too late, though, she unleashes her sales pitch: Slicker than Teflon, she extols the virtues of her company knowing that at any second I could hang up. “Reliable” “professional” “cost effective”… the adjectives fly fast and furious.

Me: “I’m sorry, I’m just not interested.”

Sales Lady: “OK. I’ll tell you what, if I could get your mailing address so I can send out some brochures about our services -”

Me: “No, it’s okay. I’m sorry to be rude, but we get a lot of sales calls. I’d appreciate if you take [my company] off your list.”

Sales Lady: “Perhaps there is someone else at at your company who would be interested in our services -”

Me (sneering): “Nobody here’s interested in your services. Good day.” Click.

Posted in The 9 to 5.

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By Meredith – January 22, 2007

Unpardonable!

After the timely passing and berserk canonization of Gerald Ford, GWB issued the customary proclamation directing that the US flag be displayed at half-staff for 30 days – until this Friday. While most flags currently remain in the proper mourning position, I have noticed a few Old Glories fluttering at the top of the flagpole.

I urge my fellow citizens to be vigilant about any flag transgressions that they should witness during the tail end of our Executive-ordered period of grief. Whether the offender be a highway toll station, a Red Roof Inn, or a private citizen with a flagpole in their yard, it is your civic duty to confront such sedition and demand the flag be lowered. A full-mast flag is an effrontery not only to Gerald Ford, the man who “healed our nation” by refusing to hold the highest elected official accountable for his high crimes and misdemeanors, but to any American who has lived a long, full life and died of natural causes.

Posted in Americana, In the News.

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By Meredith – January 21, 2007

The Sack of the Patriots

Like the garment manufacturers who pre-print thousands of AFC Championship t-shirts for both teams before the game starts, I had already drafted my Victory! post to glorify the Patriot’s win. However, their 38-34 loss does not render irrelevant the gist of my premature post: that Tom Brady is a demimortal in possession of otherworldly powers, and Peyton Manning is, comparatively, a boob.

That the Patriots were even playing in the AFC Championship game is a testament to Brady’s prowess, leadership, and chivalry. Yet a precision throwing arm can’t compensate for lousy receivers and a sluggish offensive line. The Colts are a much better team than the Patriots, but Manning is an above-average QB who is so busy filming commercials and endorsing products that he will never catch up to Brady’s stats.

I always imagine football as a simulated war, with each game a battle and each play a tactical maneuver. If we still waged war in the manner of Ancient Greece, the NFL football players would be our lauded soldiers, and Tom Brady our Hector. Mankind has outgrown its appreciation for exacting spear-throwers and valiant charioteers, but we will not fail to be enchanted by a golden boy with a football.

Here were the best picked men

Detached in squads to stand the Trojan charge

And shining Hector, a wall of them bulked together

Spear-by-spear, shield-by-shield, the rims overlapping,

Buckler-to-buckler, helm-to-helm, man-to-man massed tight

And the horsehair crests on glittering helmet horns brushed

As they tossed their heads, the battalions bulked so dense

Shoulder-to-shoulder close, and the spears they shook

In daring hands packed into jagged lines of battle

Single minded fighters facing straight ahead,

Achaeans primed for combat

–The Iliad

Posted in Americana.

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By Meredith – January 21, 2007

Cold, Sweat, and Cheese

A day of cross-country skiing has many benefits. First, there is something profoundly peaceful about gliding through a forest that has been hushed by a beguiling shroud of snow. Second, the amount of energy slowly and (almost) unnoticeably expended warrants an apres-ski meal that is life affirming, such as a traditional Gruyere and Emmenthaler fondue (yes, fondue can be eaten anytime, but so can wedding cake and Eucharist wafers.)

But the most tangible advantage to XC skiing is sweat. Yesterday, we journeyed to Waterville Valley, NH – the closest Nordic center with enough snow to have open trails. The temperature was 8 and the wind gusts reached 40 mph (“feels like -15”). When preparing to venture into such conditions for several hours, the instinct to swaddle one’s self in layers of wool is fierce. However, after ten minutes on the trail, the simultaneous arm and legs movements cannot fail to generate feelings of toasty contentment even in negative wind-chills. (Happening upon a yurt also helps).

Posted in Existence.

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By Meredith – January 20, 2007

Juice Abuse

A Florida woman is suing Kraft Foods for labeling their juice-less Capri Sun juice drinks as All Natural despite containing high-fructose corn syrup. The lawsuit is backed by the CSPI, who never hesitates to drip sarcasm when it comes to the nutritional claims of the food industry: “Unless you and your chemist friends are prepared to undertake a little Manhattan Project in your kitchen, you won’t be brewing any high-fructose corn syrup from scratch … unless you happen to be equipped with centrifuges, hydroclones, ion-exchange columns, and buckets of enzymes.”

Kraft Foods, which rues the day that the public learned to decipher food labels, has been working for “about a year” on repackaging Capri Sun to replace All Natural with No artificial colors, flavors or preservatives – the health claim of last resort that still manages to resonate positively with the public, the wink-wink nudge-nudge “you know it’s a product of industrial cogging, but rest assured it doesn’t have anything like FD&C Red No. 40 or Sodium Propionate… at least that the FDA has identified.”

Posted in In the News.

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By Meredith – January 19, 2007

Train Man

Today I took a later train home, and sat near a train klatch of older men who lounged comfortably at the tables in the middle of the car. The conversation was dominated by a boisterous man with a shrill voice, who acted sort of like a moderator: “I heard this… what do you think about this… you’re wrong because of this…” Several times he yelled in excitement, causing more than a few people to “shush” him.

I managed to tune him out, until I heard him say, “I accidentally got on the third car last week, and you know who I saw? All the people who used to ride in this car! Until I came along!”

Posted in Existence.

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By Meredith – January 18, 2007