Guerilla Marketing

I arrived at South Station tonight to find total chaos: Hovering helicopters, bomb-sniffing dogs, dozens of MBTA policemen who milled about with their game faces on (when not a single MBTA cop is humming the A-Team theme song under his breath… it’s serious). The trains were being searched while repeated announcements forbade people from standing on the platforms before the boarding call. I was exhilirated! Terror-ifed! What in the world is happening in Boston?

Turns out it was a promotion-gone-awry for Aqua Teen Hunger Force, one of the Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim shows. Heh. Homeland Security, protecting us from Master Shake, Frylock and Meatwad.

School Nuding

Say what you will about the high school student in Ohio who slathered his naked body with grapeseed oil and then lasciviously terrorized the cafeteria, “screaming and flailing his arms until police twice used a stun gun on him.” Yes, he may have traumatized some virgins, but it’s so refreshing to see a school rampage that doesn’t involve weaponry and trenchcoats – so innocent, like a Porkys prank from the 1950s. I hope to see more boys expending testosterone like this greasy, naked young man.

Getting the Raw Prawn

The previous story almost qualified as headline of the day, until I read “Aussies to drink purified sewage.” With much of Australia in the grips of a severe drought, the state of Queensland will soon introduce “recycled, purified water” into the drinking supply, and the rest of Australia may soon follow suit. Though water planners swear the quality will be meticulously maintained, many Australians are understandably leery about drinking water that was once liquid (or semi-liquid) household and industry waste. Australia, if you’re okay drinking XXXX Beer (it’s called XXXX because you can’t put ‘shit’ on a beer label), then sewage should be quite refreshing.

Try to Run, Try to Hide

Unable to ignore increasingly freakish weather patterns, Americans are developing a consciousness about global warming, same as how an earthly appearance of Jesus Christ would pack churches and return the clergy to their former vaulted status. Who can we believe in during these unseasonably warm and hurricane-plagued hours? Must we resort to the dark art of science and its shadowy practioners, scientists?

This week, Congressional hearings are being held over the Bush Administration’s interference with the research of climate scientists at agencies such as NASA and the EPA. Out of 1600 scientists surveyed, 43% reported that their scientific work had been “revised in ways that altered the meaning of scientific findings,” while 38% had “direct knowledge of cases where scientific information on climate was stripped from websites and printed reports.”

Who knows the pervasiveness of this conspiracy? They could have known and actively censored global warming evidence for decades. The organization Global Cool, which works with rock stars to raise awareness about global warming, announced that they have uncovered a “secret poem” that was recorded by legend Jim Morrison shortly before his death that “seems so relevant to the environmental challenge we face”. The poem, called Woman in the Window, features the chorus “Just try to stop us, we’re going to love” – a shocking prophesy of the denial of carbon emissions and, um, our will to defiantly love. Take that, Bush! Cause you can suppress 1,600 government-funded scientists, but the Lizard King will not be silenced.