Last Saturday was ‘New Year Detox Day’ at the Framingham Whole Foods, which regularly holds events to educate consumers about all the exciting organic foods and supplements that will holistically heal them of disposable income.
Our grocery shopping naturally coincides with these festivities, though it’s a lousy time to shop. The prospect of free food lures a consumer that is more ‘Stop and Shop’ than ‘Whole Foods,’ if you get my drift. “This is non-dairy dip with organic capers and pressed flaxseeds,” says the earnest representative from the manufacturer, as people literally push each other to dunk fistfuls of baguette slices into the paste-like substance. Some people do not even appear to be shopping, like they were just driving by and decided to stop and pilfer a snack.
Stuffing my face in a supermarket aisle makes me feel grubby, but paying for a week’s worth of Whole Foods groceries confers a sense of entitlement. So I grabbed a few of the detox supplements:
I decided to try the Bach Flower Remedies Olive Energize serum (here), a “flower essence” oil (here) that touts itself as a “homeopathic, natural alternative to restore energy when you are physically and mentally exhausted… to leave you feeling more confident, centered, energized and focused.” I think it’s legal.
Sunday, Dose 1: The encapsulated oil is to be emptied in .5L of fresh spring water and sipped in intervals through the day. I use half-liters of Poland Spring sparkling water, worrying vaguely that the carbonation may diminish the oil’s rejuvenating, stress-fending properties. My mind and body felt alert and positive, but don’t discount my other Sunday morning all-natural energy restorers: Waffles, coffee, and George Stephanopoulos (he’s so homeopathic.)
Monday, Dose 2: I felt good, but Mondays can be the best day of the week if you do nothing all weekend but relax and watch football. However, the oil’s promised kick to my confidence never registered; I had a nagging sense that it was not just a bad hair day, it was the worse hair day ever.
Tuesday, Dose 3: Finished off my .5 liter of Energize water in 3 minutes. I was really thirsty. Since I’m supposed to sip it, that may explain why, come evening, I felt as stressed as the tires on a Fung Wah bus.
Wednesday, Dose 4: I tested my energy with an early morning spinning class. I heard rumors that this particular class had some hardcore spinners. I needed cocaine and a pound of sugar to keep up with these maniacs – flower essences just didn’t cut it.
Thursday, Dose 5: Woke up at 1:30am for my restroom break. Usually I’m not fully awake – I’m actually proud of how close to unconscious I can be and still successfully use a toilet. But when I went back to bed, I tossed and turned until 3am. As usual, when I can’t sleep, I fret about my health: “I haven’t had my moles screened for melanoma in several years… My diet lacks iron… Carpal Tunnel Syndrome is a when, not an if… stress will probably kill me.” Then I mulled over the irony of how the serum confers more energy with which to stress out.
Friday, Dose 6: What should I clean first – the bathroom, kitchen, bedroom, living room? Maybe I should start a load of laundry? I’ll hand-wash some sweaters, then reorganize my closet? Sort through my bills? Clean out my cachet of half-used beauty products? Reduce my collection of old sneakers? Bake a loaf of bread? Launder sheets? Look for hiking boots on the internet? Screw it all and sit in the sauna? Yes, that.
Saturday, Dose 7: I had a wet dream, meaning I dreamt I wet the bed. I woke up, convinced that a wetting had occurred, and was relieved that I hadn’t actually relieved. Could the Olive Energize serum be causing this fitful sleep? I thought about counteracting it with the Rescue Sleep serum, which promises “natural relief of occasional sleeplessness caused by stress and repetitive thoughts.” But then I’d be on a holistic rollercoaster of uppers and downers. There’s only one thing to do: Toss the remaining dose of Olive Energize in the trash, and face life without the flower essence edge.
