Dear Lady in Burberry Scarf on P508 Express Train:

Humans are ruled by sequences of overlapping laws issued from institutions and authorities, such as governments, religions, community associations, employers, and parental guardians. These laws and the consequences of violations are explicitly spelled out: Kill another human, go to jail and hell. Sexually harass a co-worker, get fired and fined. Don’t help Dad clean the garage, lose allowance and incur the wrath of God.

But not all laws are written down. Society operates on a system of universal etiquettes so we don’t devolve into feces-throwing, hedonistic barbarians who enfringe on the personal liberties or comforts of our fellow man. What stops us from noisily farting in public, picking our noses and eating it, screaming into cell phones? Why do we wait in lines, cover our mouths when we sneeze, hold doors open for others, say “excuse me” and “thank you”? Because life is just nicer.

You, lady in Burberry Scarf on P508 Express Train, appear to have a firm grasp on most unwritten laws. You appear to have a job, since I see you everyday and I wouldn’t even notice you because you seem perfectly normal… except for your brazen disregard of the Laws of Pedestrian Mobility. But I can excuse you, because they’re unwritten laws, things that most of us just intuitively know and abide by. You have gone through life without getting the memo. Allow me:

Law 1: Mobility, not Motility. Motility refers to a spontaneous or random movement. Think of children playing ‘tag’… the trajectory of a plastic bag caught in the wind… the sinuosity of a drunk man’s stagger. Mobility is more predictable. Planes, cars, boats, bikes, space ships, even pedestrians all heed logic in order to ensure safety and efficiency. For example, if you are walking down a train aisle, the people behind you cannot anticipate that you will, for no apparent reason, turn around and walk into them. And they cannot yield, even if you push. Similarly, if you are walking on a crowded, narrow train platform, frantic weaving between other moving people in a ridiculous effort to hasten your journey is discouraged.

Law 2: Recognize informal queues. Generally, when a random group of people are waiting to fulfill a mobility transition, the person who is closest goes first. For example, when a train stops on a platform, the person who happens to be standing in front of the door boards the train first, followed by people who are close by. Rarely is it acceptable to squeeze through a gathered crowd to physically assert your desire to board the train. To not recognize informal queues is an endorsement of chaos.

Law 3: Merge like a zipper. When two lines of pedestrians are merging in the same direction, the “zipper” method should be employed. The pedestrians move forward one-by-one, alternating from each direction so it is always understood whose “turn” it is to proceed forward. When you don’t merge like a zipper, it hits a snag, resulting in collisions and confusion.

Three little laws, so engrained in common sense that it seems ridiculous that I actually wrote them down for you. That’s why they’re unwritten laws, dig?

Sincerely,

Pushed, Shoved, and Snagged