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Sunday Bono

The New York Times has the curious habit of publishing meta-articles, or news about itself. Like this past Monday, I read an article in the Business section entitled “The Times to Sell Display Ads on the Front Page”. That’s when I flipped my newspaper back to the Front Page to see the advertisement for CBS television across the bottom, which I would not have noticed otherwise. The meta-article slyly throws in justifications like “most major American papers sell front-page display ads, including The Wall Street Journal, USA Today and The Los Angeles Times” while alluding to The Times’ dire financial situation, “the worst revenue slide since the Depression.” This softened my hardness about reading news alongside crude commerce (Israel bombs Gaza! Watch CSI!) but I still thought publishing an article about its own Front Page was somewhat bizarre.

ANYWAY, speaking of bizarreness in the New York Times, today was Bono’s first column in the Op-Ed section. Several months ago, another meta-article in the New York Times reported that, starting in 2009, Bono from U2 would become a contributing columnist, presumably to attract elusive young subscribers so it can avoid, say, running ads on the Front Page. Now, I’m a current young subscriber, and I can honestly say that none of the current opinion columnists thrill me. I mostly agree with the left-leaning politics (except for warmonging David Brooks) but sometimes my brain outright refuses to actually read an editorial by Paul Krugman entitled “Let’s Get Fiscal” or a Thomas L. Friedman rant about using taxes to mold the perfect society. And Maureen Dowd? Don’t get me started. Bitch is nuts.

Bono is really good at being a rock star, activist, and philanthropist, but is he any good at writing columns? His first effort, entitled “Notes from the Chairman”, is a rambling tribute to Frank Sinatra that reads like a string of words that occurred to Bono while he was drinking. It’s no surprise that the prose of a musician is littered with alliteration, but Bono’s is downright cacophonous: Glass clinking clicking, clashing crashing in Gaelic revelry: swinging doors, sweethearts falling in and out of the season’s blessing, family feuds subsumed or resumed. Malt joy and ginger despair are all in the queue to be served on this, the quarter-of-a-millennium mark since Arthur Guinness first put velvety blackness in a pint glass.

Woah. And Bono continues in this wordy manner, throwing in a bit of philosophy in order to lose me completely: Singers, more than other musicians, depend on what they know — as opposed to what they don’t want to know about the world. While there is a danger in this — the loss of naivete, for instance, which holds its own certain power — interpretive skills generally gain in the course of a life well abused. Bono, let me tell you want writers depend on: what their readers want to know. Where are you going with this? Did the Times really hire you so you could write about how Frank Sinatra’s voice aged like “years spent fermenting in cracked and whiskeyed oak barrels”? Isn’t Maureen Dowd pissed off?

Posted in In the News.

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Movie Reviews: The Wrestler, Superbad, and Outsourced

“This could either be the best or worst movie ever,” was my first thought upon hearing the premise of The Wrestler, which stars Mickey Rourke as Randy “The Ram,” an aging professional wrestler from the 1980s who is still active on the small-fry wrestling circuit in New Jersey, and also stars Marisa Tomei as his love interest Cassidy, an aging stripper who is still active in the VIP room. The Wrestler turned out to be highly entertaining, surprisingly compelling, and deeply poignant movie. And I’m saying that despite the scene involving the staple gun and barbed wire (apparently, wrestling theatrics aren’t all fake.)

I never thought I’d say this, but: Mickey Rourke was magnificent. Rourke plays “The Ram” as a gentle giant, willing to subject his body to anything in order to please the crowds because that’s all he knows what to do. How brilliant, and appropriate, was it to have Rourke and Tomei hanging out in a bar, rocking out to Rat Attack (!!!) and speaking fondly of the 80s as the glory days. It was a rare moment of relaxed comfort in a movie otherwise filled with blood, sweat, tears, destruction, and deli meat.

Superbad was 2007’s teen comedy of the year, earning raves for its profuse and profane laughs as well as its authentic take on the high school experience. And maybe I’m getting old, but… really?!? The gags were juvenile and sometimes gross, the characters were pathetic, and the plot was just stupid. Admittedly, the plot of every teen comedy is stupid, but three geeky sex-obsessed nerds makes everything seem so much stupider. It gets one star because I did laugh. But I could not help but comparing Superbad to the teen comedies I grew up with (Heathers, Dazed and Confused, any movie directed by John Hughes) and thinking how far we’ve fallen as a society if 2 hours of teenaged women objectification is being heralded as an instant classic and Michael Cera is the new John Cusack.

Outsourced, another comedy from 2007, takes a light-hearted and sometimes naive look at a controversial topic. Todd, a manager of a US novelty product company, is sent to India in order to train his replacement at the newly-outsourced call center. Todd is resistant to India at first, but gradually warms to the culture, the customs, and the people… especially one cute Indian co-worker named Asha. The fish-out-of-water laughs at the beginning made up for the dragginess at the ending. Still, it’s hard to get into Outsourced’s feel-good vibe when so many divisive angles of outsourcing were ignored or pooh-poohed.

(Yes, I know it’s 2009, but it seems like Netflix’s ‘Watch Instantly’ line-up favors cheesiness from 2007. So join me here next week when I’ll be reviewing Wedding Daze, Wild Hogs, and the second season of Heroes).

Posted in Review.

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Not Tonight Dear, I have a Headache

The prospect of writing today’s post brought to mind this classic evasion used by women seeking to avoid intimacy with their lusty mates. I like imagining you, dear reader, desperate for my words, and me winsomely denying you. (Roll over, pull comforter up to my neck, sigh).

Posted in Miscellany.

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These Dreams

“I dreamt that I tried to donate blood,” I told Mr. P this morning as we lounged in bed.

“That’s good, because I had a dream that I lost a finger,” he said. Semi-mock newlywed cooing ensued.

Yes, I had a dream that I attempted to donate blood, probably inspired by an idle thought I had on the acupuncture table yesterday: I’m so acclimated to needles, maybe someday I’ll be able to donate blood!

The dream took place in a large auditorium, filled with people and tables of food. I waited in a long line with two friends to donate blood. We were last in line. We weren’t allowed to eat the food until after we donated our blood, and I was quite concerned that the food would run out. Crowds of blood donors milled around us with their piled plates of pies and sandwiches. I was indignant. When we finally reached the counter, they wouldn’t allow me to donate blood, because I had registered to donate using my maiden name, making me ineligible.

Apparently, the dream was telling me that I’m not ready to donate blood.

Posted in Existence.

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Adventures in Discount Acupuncture, Session #5

Tonight’s acupuncture appointment was the icing on the cake of tranquility. My endomorphin-jacked body radiated serenity as I floated out of my acupuncturist’s office and into the chilly, slushy Cambridge streets. Nothing fazed me. The sirens, the horns, the slow-moving cellphone gabbers bounced off my consciousness like putty. I waited 10 minutes for a Red Line train with a lazy smile on my face. I walked home on un-shoveled sidewalks against a torrid wind, humming Bob Dylan tunes and scanning porches and bushes for kitty-cats. (I saw one!)

Yet I am not relaxed to the point where I’ll allow today — a Tuesday of no consequence — to slip away without a post…

Posted in Existence.

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Monday Morning Angel

The first Monday morning of 2009 began at 3:30am, when consciousness gained a toehold in my brain and some annoying neuron whispered that I had to be at work in 5 hours. Then sudden wakefulness in my bladder nudged the rest of my brain to attention and, after a stealth trip to the bathroom, I laid in bed and begged myself “sleep! sleep now!” At around 6am I managed to sustain a fitful repose for 25 minutes before the alarm sounded and Monday morning officialy began.

Coming off of two weeks of near-vacation, I had difficulty moving with purpose. In the shower I stared at my feet and chided myself for forgetting to clip my toenails while hot water sprayed my neck. In front of the mirror, I flossed, I tweezed, I gently dabbed moisturizer onto dry spots of skin. At the table, I dawdled over my oatmeal while engrossed in an article about winter camping in AMC magazine. When I stepped out of the front door, I was 18 minutes behind my normal schedule, but the residual effects of the vacation left me unable to muster enough stress to feel concern. I figured that I could make up part of the time delta by juicing up my pace during the 1.4 mile walk to the subway station.

Unfortunately I neglected to make my routine check of the weather and had no idea that, thanks to pre-dawn freezing drizzle, virtually every concrete surface in metro Boston was coated in slick ice. After throwing handfuls of sand on our front steps and sidewalk, I wobbled down the slippery street and found out pretty fast that no one else had bothered to treat their sidewalks for the benefit of the lowly pedestrian. (You are invited to my pity party).

I decided to walk in the street, which was slightly less slick than the sidewalk. Traffic forced me to tread near the piles of black slush that flanked the road. Would it be better to die of a broken neck via a slip-and-fall or a hit-and-run? I hobbled to the bike path in arrested steps, with the occasional heart-lurching near-fall. I wish I had strapped on the family crampons.

On the icy bike path, a woman walking about 50 feet in front of me skidded awkwardly and fell backwards on her bottom. She appeared to be able-bodied enough to survive a demoralizing tumble, so I allow myself the comfort of thinking There’s a woman whose having a worse Monday morning than me. But I am careful not to lord my ice-walking prowess over the fallen, for surely there is a fair amount of karmic luck involved in staying upright while locomoting across a sheet of gleeming ice.

Baby steps. Baby steps. I check my watch and grimace. My lateness has blossomed into 30 minutes. I haven’t even step foot in the office and already my spine is ratcheted with physical, mental, and emotional stress that rivals pre-holiday levels. Alewife Station is within sight, its vast fortress of concrete looming rudely above the scenic strip of nature that surrounds the bikepath. I manage to overtake a portly gentlemen wearing a suit and tan overcoat who is comically inching his way towards the subway. Baby steps.

As I approach Alewife Station, there is a T employee liberally throwing a mixture of sand and rock salt onto the sidewalk. He is a squat Hispanic man with a etched-in scowl, and he tosses a handful of his concotion three feet in front of me. I loosen my gait and walk over the grit. Immediately my confidence, my hope, my sanity is restored. It’s just what I needed to face Monday morning. It’s what we all need sometimes, an angel to throw sand and rock salt onto the slippery path of life.

Posted in Existence.

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Ski Jubilee

We spent the past 4 days cross-country skiing in the White Mountains region of New Hampshire. We stayed at an Inn, a nice Inn if you like Inns because all of its Inn-y characteristics were hyperbolic. The innkeepers were chipper and helpful to the point of being freakish. The food was choke full of sugar and butter. The hallways and rooms were cluttered with atmospheric memorabilia and a crush of Christmas decorations, including a lavishly decorated Christmas tree in every room, even the atrium next to the hot tub. Inn-tense, one might say.

Like I said, it was a nice Inn and we took full advantage of its amenities, but perhaps it’s telling that we don’t have a single photo of the Inn on our memory card. Instead, we have dozens of photos like this one:

jan09skid

We managed to ruin the Inn’s cozy ambience by stalking around in our hardiest cross-country gear: Goggles, sexy pants, face masks, anything to stop the steady vicious wind that beseiged the region for the past week. Here’s me in full ski regalia, posing with a cloud-obscured Mount Washington as the wind ravages me (note the cloud of snow dust blowing in front of pine tree):

jan09skia

The temperatures were frigid, but luckily XC skiers can recreate tucked within the trees rather than on the top of a mountain like those poor freezing downhill skiers and boarders.”Its cold out there,” one woman griped to me in the Inn’s lounge. “Oh, it’s brutal. Did you go skiing?” I asked, eyeing her LL Bean parka. “No, we went shopping at the outlets,” she said, sipping her margarita. Most of the other Inn guests were sedentary, intent on soaking up the Inn’s romantic atmosphere and exhausting its meager library of DVDs. I pitied them somewhat for not having known the pleasure of gliding through a snow-filled forest.
jan09skic

The French have a quote about how hunger is an essential ingredient for a good meal. I feel that physical exertion in the outdoors is an essential ingredient for relaxation. Since my half-assed New Year’s resolution entails a renewed commitment to my extracurricular writing, I planned to devote some of the vacation to writing. But between XC skiing for 5 hours a day, eating for the energy to XC ski 5 hours a day, and canoodling in the Inn, I had no time or inclination to sit down with my laptop and peck away at the keys. And since I’m relaxed for the first time in over a year, I’m not feeling guilty about it. Here I am posing again in front of Mount Washington, lamenting the desuetude of the picnic table.

jan09skid

Posted in Trips.

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The Jets Bombed

If our road trip down to Philadelphia can be characterized by unfettered indulgence in radio Christmas music (see yesterday), then our return trip to Boston can be summed up in one word: Football.

We left Pennsylvania on Sunday morning and stopped in Brooklyn to visit friends. Our delight at seeing them and their perfect infant son was so great that we managed to forget we were missing the New England Patriots play the Buffalo Bills, a must-win game for the Pats to gain entry into the playoffs. Before we hit the highway, we tapped into an errant wireless connection to confirm that the Pats shut out the Bills, 13-0.

But the New England would not make the playoffs simply by beating Buffalo. In addition, either Baltimore had to lose to Jacksonville (not likely) or the NY Jets had to prevail over Miami (more likely). So in a demonic twist of fate, New England fans were forced to cheer for their arch-nemesis rivals, the despised NY Jets.

As we barreled past the Bronx, I found a broadcast of the Jets-Miami game in the abyss that is the AM frequency. At first I was confounded at how to react to the game. How exactly does one switch allegiance and sincerely support Eric Mangini and the NY Jets? “Go Jets!” I tried, nearly gagging from my throat’s stalwart refusal to allow the words to emerge from my mouth. It just felt so wrong.

When Brett Favre managed to throw a touchdown pass in the second quarter, I celebrated like a lifelong Jets fans. But my euphoric love for the Jets faded after Favre was intercepted repeatedly and the Jets defense proved impotent against Chad freakin’ Pennington. By the middle of the 3rd quarter, I had already foresaw the Jets defeat against the Dolphins, 24-17, and the end of Patriot’s season. The disappointment was tempered somewhat by relief that I would no longer have to root for the Jets. Instead, I snarled and berated them for the remainder of the game.

Like most people in New England, I am semi-convinced that the Jets threw the game after they realized that the Ravens would clinch the playoff spot that a win would ensure them. Why would they do that? To SCREW New England, of course. But I also think it’s just as likely that the Jets were just proving how deeply and totally they suck.

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Movin’ and Groovin’ on Christmas Eve

We left Boston on Christmas Eve in the midst of sporadic wind-driven rain. It was 1pm and the highways bustled with cars. We steeled ourselves for an arduous 7+ hour drive to Philadelphia. Mr. P drove and I fiddled with the radio to ensure a steady supply of Christmas music.

If it had been any other day of the year, the sound of a Christmas-themed tunes would have induced fierce scowling. Way back at the beginning of November, I happened upon a radio station that had already switched to an all-Christmas format. I flew into a rage, demanding “What is this shit?” I mean I love Christmas music, but how can anyone earnestly groove upon it 4 weeks before Thanksgiving? Taken out of context, the corny novelties and sanctimonious hymns of Christmas are about as agreeable as out-of-season berries.

Right before Thanksgiving, the Christmas decorations spurted up and the buzz about holiday shopping and parties began. I want to cover my ears and plead, “Too soon! Too soon!” Ideally Christmas would begin the week before Christmas. Now I know this is unrealistic. The American marketplace would be subject to chaos and pillaging if everyone bought their presents, trees, decorations, and food within a 6-day time period. People would suffer nervous breakdowns. The fact is, we have built up Christmas to such an event that a solid month of preparation is necessary to sustain its annual occurrence.

But Christmas music is not necessary, really, until Christmas Eve. As we headed to Philadelphia amid the festive red brake-lights and white headlights, I could sit back and sing along with Christmas chorals with genuine holiday joy. I crooned “Blue Christmas” with Elvis as we sped through Hartford, chirped “Sleigh Ride” with Bing across the Tappan Zee Bridge, and rasped “Santa Claus is coming to Town” with Bruce in New Jersey. It didn’t feel like I was inappropriately co-opting a holiday feeling. It felt like Christmas.

Posted in Trips.

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It’s the Thought That Counts

When reflecting upon imminent holidays and other occasions of celebration, I suffer the desire to afflict my writing with poignance. But like many writers, I am poorly trained in expressing emotional profundity. Everything sounds like an eulogy, a pray, or the overwrought musings of a LiveJournal entry:

Christmas! I used to ache for the cozy comforts that you bestowed. I used to find great solace in the happiness and promises of your songs. I used to desire your toys. But lately all I can feel towards you is a bored resentment. You are so beguiling, what with all your parties and all your presents, that you distract us from our suspicions that humanity is being cheated out of a greater gift. Because every year, your promises of peace and goodwill turn out to be as empty and hollow as a silver bell.

Sometimes I tell my brain, “Stop over-thinking everything! Stop finding hypocrisy everywhere! Stop analyzing Christmas! Shut up and drink the freaking egg nog!”

Let me ask you something, citizens of the Internet: When you first heard that a Wal-Mart employee was killed in a Black Friday stampede on Long Island, what was your initial reaction? Were you saddened by what you immediately perceieved to be a shocking mishap? Or… did you laugh?

I confess that I laughed. The idea that frenzied Black Friday shoppers would trample a person to death struck me as so over-the-top farcical that I laughed. Later, when I read news reports about the Wal-Mart worker who was killed, I did feel pangs of sadness for the young man and his family. But I still find the scenario to be absurd to the point of humorous.

Dead white man Horace Walpole once said, “Life is a comedy for those who think… and a tragedy for those who feel.” Me, I like comedies. I’d rather laugh than cry. I’d rather think than feel. And sometimes, that’s my tragedy.

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