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Pre-Christmas Snow No-Go

This weekend’s planned trip to Pennsylvania was hastily aborted by the region’s first real snow storm in years. So we will not be driving south to celebrate the holidays with my family, though we are leaving next week for France to celebrate Christmas proper with Mr. Pinault’s family and to ski, eat, drink, and luxuriate (guiltily, on my part) in the Alps.

The snowstorm that is currently pummeling the Mid-Atlantic (and is expected to move into Boston tonight) came out of nowhere; the weather reports were clear until Friday morning, and then Mr. Pinault and I began Skype-ing back and forth about the fate of our planned journey. Maybe we could leave late Friday night and make the whole 7-hour trip overnight, and then return on Sunday night when the roads should be cleared. Maybe it would be okay. Maybe it would be a nightmare. After scrutinizing the radars, the weather maps, and the increasingly dire news stories that warned of anywhere from 6-12 inches of snow, we had a “Go or No Go” meeting (a term culled from software development process, when everyone gets together and decides if the software is ready to be released… an event so token they are nicknamed “Go or Go” meetings.”) And we decided this weekend’s trip to Pennsylvania was a No Go.

Now I gaze at the pile of Christmas presents so carefully accumulated for my family and friends with unerring sadness. The assortment of gift bags sits in my living room, destined to remain unopened by their recipients over the holiday. And within my heart, a little packet of holiday cheer stagnates, unable to be expressed, unwrapped, and revealed to my loved ones. Boo hoo.

My Yankee Candle flavor of choice this year was “Home for the Holidays,” and the irony, well, it burns. Perhaps they should manufacture a “French Alps for the Holidays” candle that smells of molten raclette cheese and smelly ski boots.

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Siriusly

With the purchase of my new Jetta TDI, I received a free 6-month subscription to Sirius satellite radio. At first it was thrilling to discover all of the commercial-free radio stations that would keep me company on my 30-minute commute. Nearly every genre of music, news, and sports has one or more stations for my listening consumption. I can even listen to Francophone Canadian stations and pretend I’m absorbing French. It’s a bountiful buffet of music, pre-niched and pleasing to my many musical moods.

I particularly dote upon the First New Wave station, so-called “Classic Alternative.” There’s nothing cooler than shifting into sixth gear as New Order crescendos all around me and I feel like I’m a veritable car commercial, my adventurous and nonconformist identity validated by the plume of fossil fuels emanating from my 3500-pound vehicle: I love driving! Whoopee!

But after a month and a half of Sirius radio, I’m beginning to grow accustomed to their programming patterns. The First New Wave station, for instance, can’t let an hour go by without the B-52s. I’ll turn off my car in the evening to the sounds of “Rock Lobster,” and start in the morning to “Love Shack.” Which is great if you love the B-52s, but one of my deep dark secrets is… I really don’t like the B-52s.

Shocking, isn’t it? How can someone not like the B-52s, “the greatest party band of all time?” But their music possesses a happy, dorky, frivolous quality that irks me to my cynical core. The regimented duo-female vocals combined with Fred Schneider’s warbling spoken-singing makes me want to cover my ears and hum Green Day songs.

Fortunately, I can just jab at my touchscreen radio and pick another station. And if I jab at it enough, I’ll eventually find something that’ll get my groove on. Sometimes it’s the all-Elvis station, sometimes it’s Howard Stern, and sometimes its NPR talk, riffing on a social problem.

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The Stamps Are in the Mail

Two weeks ago I had a stack of about fifty Christmas cards all signed, sealed, addressed and ready to spread holiday cheer. All I needed were stamps, and I wasn’t about to dip into my stockpile of Forever stamps for Christmas cards, because as noble as it is, there is nothing festive about the Liberty Bell. I needed reindeer, snowmen, nutcrackers, and other non-denominational postage to enliven my plain white envelopes and make my Christmas cards just pop.

At the time, I was ticking down a lengthy list of to-do items that made the whole idea of a trip to the post office overwhelming, so I decided to order stamps online. The height of laziness, yes, but I figured that if the $1 handling fee could save me the time involved in planning and executing a post office visit, then it was worth it. And besides, what could be more logical than having stamps delivered to your home?

I purchased three books of holiday stamps online on the morning of Monday, December 7. I foolishly expected them to arrive at my home the next day. The online confirmation warned of a 3-5 day processing time, but really… these are stamps. Surely no service entity could be so inefficient as to need 3-5 days to deliver 3 books of stamps to my doorstep, especially when said entity is the freaking United States Postal Service?

All last week… no stamps. Fearful that the USPS had somehow managed to lose my stamps in the mail, I ventured to the local outpost on Saturday afternoon, which was a nightmare that I don’t even want to go into. I mailed my Christmas cards, shot off an indignant email to the USPS customer service, and today, alas, I received my three books of holiday stamps. Which I could return for a refund, but that would seem to expose me to more potential aggravation. No, I will keep the stamps, and hastily try to use them up before the next postage increase, which means I’ll be using holiday stamps well into May.

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Berlusconi’s Bloody Nose: Early Xmas Present

I couldn’t stop laughing when I heard that Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was attacked by an allegedly psychotic man wielding a replica of the Duomo di Milano (here). Some politicians deserve our esteem, other deserve to be marched in front of firing squads, but if there ever was a politician who deserved to have his face mauled with a cheap souvenir, it’s Berlusconi — a racist, sexist, philandering, corrupt egotist whose personal business empire allows him to control the media of the country he is so ineffectively ruling. I’m heartened to see that at least one Italian isn’t passively taking Berlusconi’s shit without a fight; even if he is a former mental patient, surely this act proves a shred of sanity? I hope that he inspires the Italian people to fight back against Berlusconi’s suave despotism. Let’s see if anyone can find a creative way to assault Berlusconi with a mini Tower of Pisa.

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For Those About to Rock, We Mute You

The European Commission, the executive arm of the European Union, is calling for a maximum volume for MP3 players (here) to protect the hearing of music fans who are courting tinnitus and hearing loss by turning the volume up to damaging levels. The EC’s recommendation calls for a default music player setting of 85 decibels, with a maximum of 100 decibels, which any music fan knows is hardly enough to allow the music to envelop their consciousness, reverberate through their entire body, become etched into their soul, and induce a state of paradoxical serenity.

As a lifetime user of personal portable music players, I must admit to being a fan of LOUD. What’s the point of listening to White Zombie if the volume is so low that Rob Zombie is whispering sweet nothings into your ears? Perhaps this explains the perpetual dull ringing in my ears that doesn’t really bother me until I start listening to it. I fully expect to need a hearing aid when I get older, but honestly, it will be a small price to pay for earphone euphoria. Don’t listen to the EC, kids. Live loud and die deaf. Turn the music up to 11.

You know what’s damaging to the ears? Sirens. I hate when I’m walking down the street, and an ambulance or fire truck whooshes by with a blaring, inescapable 120-decibel siren, because then I have to turn up the volume on my iPod.

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Frogs Who Run

A few weeks ago Mr. P finished his first half-marathon, an arduous jaunt through Newton, Mass (home of the infamous ‘Heartbreak Hill’). It was a triumphant expression of his newfangled passion for running that, strangely, only manifested after I myself had quit running under the revelation that my body did not enjoy rhythmic pavement pounding.

“I didn’t know frogs could run,” I joked once, fanning Mr. P’s fears that his proud French id was crumbling into a sweaty over-achieving American super-ego. Because regular running for exercise is very un-French. Witness the reaction to French President Nicolas Sarkozy, disparagingly dubbed “Sarko the American” by his subjects, whose jogging habit is viewed as a right-wing conspiracy (physical fitness being a hallmark of totalitarian regimes). And, how undignified it is to see the President’s knees!

The French just don’t see a need to compensate for their pleasures with pain. They don’t see the runner as a virtuous sportsmen in pursuit of peak physical fitness, but rather as a vulgar individual on the brink of over-exertion. Surely the French sentiment about jogging was only confirmed when Sarkozy collapsed last summer while running in the heat. Many blamed witchy-wife Carla Bruni, who reportedly holds Rasputin-like influence over Sarkozy’s fitness regime.

I am currently reading the semi-marvelous book Paris to the Moon, a collection of vignettes  by American journalist Adam Gopnik about living in Paris. There is a hilarious chapter about when Gopnik and his wife went to a soon-opening Parisian gym with the intention of joining. A ravishing woman with long hair and lightly applied make-up gave him a sales pitch:

“It was going to bring the rigorous, uncompromising spirit of the New York health club to Paris: its discipline, its toughness, its regimental quality… everything would be not just a l’americaine but tres New Yorkais. Best of all, she went on, they had organized a special “high-intensity” program in which, for the annual sum of about two thousand francs ($400), you could make an inexorable New York-style commitment to your physique and visit the gym as often as once a week… though she had a million arguments ready for people who thought that when it came to forme, once a week might be going overboard, she had nothing at all ready for people who thought once a week might not be forme enough.”

The gym improvised on an unlimited membership for Gopnik, who showed up a week later to find that the gym was not yet open. The ravishing woman apologized and gave him a bag of chocolate truffles. When the gym finally opened, he attended an opening party where they served crepes with apricot jam and creme de marrons. Gopnik reflects:

“The absence of the whole rhetoric and cult of sports and exercise is the single greatest difference between daily life in France and daily life in America. It’s true the French women’s magazines are as deeply preoccupied with body image and appearance as American ones. But they are confident that all problems can be solved by lotions… Among men, an enthusiasm for sport simply segregates you in a separate universe: You are a sportsmen or you are not. The idea of sports as a lingua franca meant to pick up the slack in male conversations is completely alien here… Sports is a hobby and has clinging to it any hobby’s slightly disreputable air of pathos.”

So, given all this, you see why it is so bizarre to see a frog run.

Posted in Culture.

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Flip Turn

I’ve been swimming twice a week for the past month. My newfound access to a pool all started about three years ago, when Mr. P joined the Boston Sports Club in Framingham. This BSC was actually a bares-bones hotel gym, attached to a Sheraton, but it sported a full-sized swimming pool (the only reason Mr. P joined). The sparse offerings meant that Mr. P only paid $39/month, and he had access to the numerous other BSCs during off-peak hours. Soon after we moved to Arlington, the BSC in Framingham closed, transferring Mr. P’s membership to the Natick club, and more importantly, upgrading him to a Passport Membership, meaning he had all-access privileges to all but the most swank BSCs for $39/month (going rate: $99/month). Then, Mr. P decided to join the gym at the large university where he works, and so he transferred his BSC membership to me for a nominal fee. THEN, last month, I received a letter that the BSC in Natick (still my official “home” club despite never having stepped foot in it) was closing, so my membership was being upgraded to a Passport Premium, meaning that for $39/month, I have unlimited access to ALL of the BSCs, including the two premium clubs, one of which is very convenient to the commute to my new job, which I happened to start the day after the Premium Passport went into effect (going rate: $129/month, I hear).

So long story short: I have access to one of the nicest indoor pools in metro west Boston for $39/month. I have not swum regularly since around the age of 13, but my girlhood was filled with swim teams, swim meets, and of course swim practice. I have fond memories of swimming lap after lap after lap under the duress of coach Kay, who dreamed up insane drills like only taking one breath every 25 yards, or doing 30 flip-turns, or swimming kick-only laps without a kickboard.  Practice would always end with a mock meet, and the losers would have to re-string the lane lines onto the large metal storage wheel. These memories are fond not because I enjoyed them, but because they are so pronounced in my cerebrum that I associate childhood with swimming. I remember coming out of the locker room with my sister after swim practice and seeing my father waiting for us, sitting on the stairs near the exit with a book. I remember spending hours at swim meets in order to swim in three, maybe four events. We’d play cards, read books, and share snacks. I’ll never forget one particularly long competition, when my mother produced a bag of Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies and I thought I was the luckiest kid in the world.

Despite starting at the age of 6, I was never a strong swimmer. My arms are long and my shoulders are broad, but I never mastered the technique. Backstroke was and is my specialty; the technique just came naturally to me, and so whatever accolades I received in swimming was as the backstroker on my club’s second-best medley relay team. Even now, I can whip across the pool with backstroke, my propulsive arms in perfect circles, my shoulders bobbing assuredly, my legs kicking indomitably. (The kick is the major weakness in my freestyle, as I just can’t maintain the rhythm, and my legs get twisted when I turn to take a breath).

But despite never being a champion, those miles and miles of laps 20 years ago became hard-coded in my muscles, and last month I resumed my swimming regime with surprising ease. (No doubt some credit goes to yoga, which has done wonders for my back and shoulder strength). I feel a certain satisfaction returning to the major past time of my youth, as if I had reached the other side of the pool, took a long rest, and now I’m swimming back to the start.

Posted in Existence, Nostalgia.

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Boy Scout Fudge

This evening I entered the Alewife T station to an unsettling din of boy-yelling. The clamor rang out like a unruly boys choir, with unchanged male voices unleashing indiscernible warbles that were promptly lost within the cavernous station. As I neared the turnstiles, a young boy in a Boy Scout uniform approached me with a tray of tooth-picked bits of chocolate and clearly pronounced the sentiment of the mad chants: “Free fudge samples!”

Yes, it seems that the Boy Scouts are taking fund-raising tips from their female counterparts. And, not to be outdone by the puerile connotations of “Girl Scout Cookies,” they are hawking “Boy Scout Fudge.”

The samples were an enticement, you see, for $5 boxes of fudge stacked at a centrally-located folding table, manned by two moms who were watching their charges vigorously dart around the subway station while probably wishing they had daughters.

The unreceptive attitude of the commuter crowd did little to dampen the tykes’ enthusiasm; I suppose children might find it strange that adults aren’t as sugar-crazy as they are, but they seemed to nobly bear the downcast vacant eyes of the people who gently streamed past the ricocheting trays, intent on apathy.

While it always gladdens my heart to see Boy Scouts fearlessly brandishing their dorky uniforms to the world, there’s something distinctively unappetizing about accepting unwrapped confectionary from a tray borne by snot-covered hands in a subway station. Isn’t that how plagues start?

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Your Civic, Dude

If I did nothing else today, I voted. I know I already blogged about the special election primaries for Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat, but I get a certain geeky thrill from the actual act of voting. My voice, compiled amid hundreds of thousands of other voices… is heard, like a thundery civic choir. Voting is cool!

I always expect voting to be a huge hassle, so I allotted 45 minutes to the task of driving 4 minutes to the polling station and casting my ballot for a single race. I arrived at the local elementary school at 6:50am and loitered around the lobby until the polls would open at 7am. An elderly couple stationed themselves outside the gymnasium doors and peeked through the windows at the workers, and I wondered if they really had to be somewhere, or if they were the most impatient people ever, or if they wanted senior-center bragging rights that they were the first at the polls this morning.

As I waited for the polls to officially open, I perused a bulletin board, plastered with loose-leaf letters from fourth graders to phantom pen pals in El Salvador (I’m not sure why the letters were on a bulletin board instead of in El Salvador, but it made me suspicious of all my elementary school teacher’s pen-pal schemes.) The grammar in the letters was impressive for fourth graders, although the content was typically juevenile (“If unicorns are real I want to buy one”; “I am from China, not Chinatown”; “When I grow up, I want to be a pet sitter”; “It is cold and the animals are going to sleep”; “Does it snow in El Salvador?”)

The gymnasium doors swung open at the stroke of 7am. God bless those trusty senior citizens who work in the polls, every one of them pert and alert, their nimble fingers flipping through the voter registry with time-honed proficiency. By 7:01, I was filling in the circle next to Martha Coakley, a tingly twitter of pride in my chest that I helped elect the woman who will almost certainly be the first female Senator from Massachusetts. Do us proud, Martha.

I was saddened to read that today’s voter turnout was light, especially given the legions of mourners who flocked to Ted Kennedy’s casket last August to “pay their last respects.” Those people got it wrong. If they truly wanted to pay their last respects to Kennedy, they would have flocked to the polls today to choose his successor.

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MBA? Maybe!

Huge congratulations are due for Mr. P, who was just accepted into the part-time MBA program at the large university where he works. It’s a triumphant ending to an arduous process that began over 6 months, when Mr. P told me, “I’m thinking about applying to the part-time MBA program,” and I replied, “Why the hell would you want to get an MBA?”

But it’s done, and I’ve been more than supportive. After the GMATs, the essays, and the Kafta-esque process of attaining transcripts from a French university, Mr. P received his acceptance letter in the form of a USPS Priority Mail box. (No need to play the time-hollowed “thick or thin” guessing game with this envelope…)

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The acceptance letter was tucked in a classy black leather portfolio. It just screamed “future Master of the Universe.”

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Now that Mr. P has been accepted, he is trying to decide if he actually wants to go. After all, compared to the typical MBA applicant, he’s older, geekier, and more married, so the prospect of sinking the bulk of his free time into a degree that’s not guaranteed to pay off in the future isn’t entirely appealing. Like I said in the beginning, “Why the hell would you want to get an MBA?” Because he can, I guess.

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