Beer. Reportedly the first alcoholic beverage known to Mankind, beer was first brewed from fermented bread by the Sumerians as early as 10,000 B.C.. Getting sloshed on beer is condoned by a whore in the Epic of Gilgamesh, the oldest written story on Earth. Beer brewing was soon practiced in every corner of the world, from the ancient Egypt and Chinese to the native inhabitants of North America and the monks in Europe. There’s just something about beer that people seem… well, almost genetically-inclined to enjoy.
As modern civilization developed, the customs surrounding the imbibing of beer became as important as the drink itself. Individuals could survive without round-the-clock tribe interaction, so what better way to be sociable than to gather in a tavern and ingest a drink that compels one to be social? Flagrantly, habitually, sometimes embarrassingly social.
American beer has a long history. The Colonies were choke full of breweries from the start. The hard-drinking Pilgrims had a two-quart daily ration of mead… for breakfast alone. In the mid-1800s, the number of breweries in the US peaked at around 4500, but the numbers sharply declined when Prohibition became perhaps the stupidest Constitution amendment ever (or should I say “to date”?)
In the second half of the 20th century, beer production became industrialized, leading to the soda-like filth that ravages the stomachs, livers, physiques and family lives of millions of Americans. Beer drinking is chiefly associated with sport spectators, construction workers, and college kids.
To non-binging or non-indulging Americans, dedicated beer drinking is an at-best silly and at-worst deadly pastime that detracts from the finer things in life. Like wine drinking. And coffee drinking. And Blood of Christ drinking.
But nothing can stop the billion-dollar shareholder-driven companies from peddling their watery ales to the masses of America via big-budget ads with sexy and loose singles shaking their impossibly nubile bodies to inane jingles.
(Ever notice how mass-marketed trends feed off each other? Concurrent with the notion that one is physically incapable of having a good time unless one purchases and ingests copious amounts of beer, other media messages bombard us about the importance of purchasing and ingesting health foods, and the wonders that caffeine can do for a weary fatigued soul. Hence:)
Beer has evolved to B*e, with the “E” denoting something “extra” (the E being an exponent, which I don’t know how to insert in HTML). Pronounced B-to-the-E, this fruity new flavor of Budweiser, spiked with caffeine, guarana and ginseng, is the latest in “a long line of innovative beers by Anheuser-Busch… a distinctive new product for contemporary adults who are looking for the latest beverage to keep up with their highly social and fast-paced lifestyles”.
“Hey man, I don’t need your Miller beer dragging me down! I want a beer that can keep up with me!”
The promising rise of the micro-brewery and the increase in home-brewing enthusiasts has not quelled the popularity of shitty corporate beer. With the spawn of B-to-the-E, it is obvious that the once-proud American beer culture will no longer slowly evolve over decades. Beer will be violently and disgustingly innovated by the sick minds in Marketing.
In conclusion, Beer has evolved from the Sumerians to a product that is decidedly “outside the boundaries of the taste adults would expect from a traditional beer,” just like the press release says.
So, what’s next for Beer? As is the nature of American innovation, the possibilities are only limited by the imagination of a money-hungry capitalist, the enthusiasm of a focus group, and the standards of the FDA. I’m seeing Viagra Beer, Nicotine Beer, Antioxidant Beer, Zoloft Beer, Birth Control Beer, The Morning After Beer, Anti-Bacterial Beer…
