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A Trip to the Makeup Counter

In high school, I worked at the King of Prussia Coffee Beanery with a giggly, plump girl named Margot. Whenever our female boss or a lady customer acted bitchy, Margot would say: “She’s just jealous of our youth.” I thought Margot was being her usual bubbly self, but now realize she was cruel and wise beyond her 18 years. Even the cultured, successful women who drank lattes in 1995 despaired over the only thing we had that they didn’t: Teenaged skin.

Approaching the age of 30, make-up is not just to accentuate natural youthful desirability. Instead, it covers the dull sheen of shifting hormonal priorities, distracts from imperfections wrought by the passage of time, and reshapes facial features that have sagged out of their original spots. To my horror, make-up is becoming a telling gender cue.

I never received any formal cosmetics training, so when a friend gave me a voucher for a free 20-minute make-up counter consultation at Macy’s – (“I’m not trying to hint anything. Just go for the free samples”) – I figured maybe it’s time to learn how to use expensive products to maintain a semblance of self-confidence about becoming a crone.

I stumbled into Macys ten minutes late, gnawing on a bagel with only a dusting of facial powder and a coat of lip gloss on my face. Kristie (“Cosmeotology Consultant”) is about ten years older than me and abides by eighties hair-feathering techniques and green eye shadow.

She sized me up in five seconds: “You like the natural look,” she purred as she steered my face in circles with a hand on my chin.

“I don’t wear a lot of make-up,” I admitted. “I’m scared if I were too much at once, I’ll look like a clown.”

She laughed, like You schmuck. “Well, that would be too much, wouldn’t it.”

To my horror, she suddenly came at me with an eyelash curler. Straight away, with nary a hello. I flinched. “Your eyelashes are non-existent without mascara,” she said as I tried to prevent my reflexive spasms from rendering my eyelashes truly non-existent. She released my eyelashes and began pontificating about mascara. I could feel my eyes glaze over, like whenever programmers start talking about Java classes and struts. Kristie showed me about ten mascaras that apparently are all somehow different but would all be perfect for me.

“Wait, what’s the difference between these two?” I asked, testing her.

“This one is more for daytime use. It’s lightweight and won’t smear as easy if you rub your eyes. This one is more evening and coats better…” The more she talked, the more I hated her for her passion over beauty products.

Kristie flattered me all the while making me insecure about publicly baring my face without every distinct feature coated in products: “Make-up should accentuate what you already have… Your lips are thin, but a perfect shape for lip liner… this concealer is perfect for under the eyes, for the bags and discoloration… If you only use powder and not foundation, you’re not doing everything you can to prevent photoaging… Mineral foundations sit lighter on your skin… See what I’m doing? I’m mixing nude, peach and mauve… If you only have time to apply one thing, it should be mascara, foundation, and lip makeup.”

“I don’t like blush,” I told her when she came at me, brandishing an enormous brush covered in pink dust. I was getting feisty and resistant. “I never use it.”

“Blush is not mandatory, but it adds a multi-dimensional glow to the foundation,” she explained.

“Like a clown?” It was the second time I had referred to clowns. From her venom-filled expression, I could tell we finally hit that moment of mutual hatred. No one can aggravate friendly sales folk like I can.

I felt obliged to buy something, so I picked out a lipstick. I didn’t like the garish pink shade that she had chosen for me, so I selected a dark red shade with brown undertones.

“I would not advise any brown for you,” she said earnestly, resting her hand on my shoulder, willing to impart some wisdom despite having her time wasted for a lousy lipstick. “It’s too severe. It ages.”

Oh, that wretched word: Ages. I will take the pink.

Posted in Existence, Nostalgia.

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New Rule: Only Live with People You Love

Friday was the last day at my old apartment. I boxed up my remaining possessions, disassembled Ikea furniture, and agonized over last-minute Goodwill donations. Both of my roommates are staying, and one of them picked my last day to tackle all the chores procrastinated since before I moved in: Cleaning and organizing the pantry of untouched cookware and cans of food; removing the large pots of barren soil from the living room; and, of course, cleaning the kitchen garbage can in the bathtub.

It was a Heart of Darkness moment: Entering the bathroom and seeing that garbage can standing in the shower, with years of dried-up condiments and mold plied to the walls and bottom of the tub. The Horror, the Horror! I have seen unspeakable things during my 20 months of living with that bathroom, a pestilent sewer of hair, grime, mildew, and dozens of dusty bottles of personal hygiene products (the toilet tank was used as a make-up counter), with the occasional shocker like: Bloody underwear. Shitty toilet seat. Garbage can in the shower.

But how fortunate that I could relax, laugh, and snap a picture, because I had already taken the last shower I’ll ever take in that apartment. What a nice souvenir of my internment! I will call it “Craigslist Roommates.”

Craigslist Roommates

Posted in Existence.

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Less Taped

Before humans learned agriculture and animal husbandry, we were nomads. We moved with the seasons, following the wild plants and game. Hunter-gatherers, you know. Imagine: Time to move to Florida, it’s citrus season.

Nomads gradually became industrialized out of existence. It’s largely unnecessary to travel from place to place, and quite more practical to settle down so you can raise a family and acquire possessions by means of steady employment. Nomads do exist, but we call them migrants, transients, RV-ers, and tax evaders.

Having never lived in any one apartment for more than two years since I started college, I’m somewhat of a nomad, except I can’t readily carry all my possessions as I transverse Massachusetts. I have to pack everything up in boxes. Scores of boxes. Many things are sentimental: Pictures, posters, letters, postcards, knick-knacks, diaries, notebooks, ticket stubs, museum guides, clothes from a time when my clothes were an expression of myself.

And good lord, cassette tapes. I haven’t listened to a cassette in more than a year, and I doubt the urge to dig through my tapes to listen to degraded music (rewind, fast-forward, don’t accidentally press record) will strike anytime soon. Nobody wants tapes, so I picked out the mixes given to me by other people and ditched hundreds of tapes on the curb for the trash. And life continues.

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Posted in Culture, Nostalgia.

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The Baby Rabbits

I was talking to my father on the phone last week. He had built a treehouse behind his garden for his grandson-in-law. “Remember the treehouse you had?” my father said, and in a flash I did: A spacious, sturdy two story construction with hard wood floor finishes, a ladder, and views of bustling Egypt Road and my father’s strawberry patch. Amenities included a nearby tire swing, a sprinkler in the summers, and, for a while, a rabbit hutch.

One day I headed out to the treehouse and peeked inside the hutch to see my rabbit Fluffy eating her freshly-born babies. She stopped nibbling on the small white sacks and looked at me with that vacant haunting rabbit stare. When my father mentioned the treehouse, the memory of gore in the rabbit hutch came flooding back to me. I was 6 or 7 years old, yet I can recall every single pixel of Fluffy, neck deep in the blood of her babies.

“They were born dead and that’s how rabbits bury their babies,” my mother told me, an entirely suitable explanation for a child. Rabbits lack a maternal instinct. Even the ones who don’t chow on their young are grudging mothers, characteristic for an animal that can have dozens of offspring in one season.

But little human girls are born with a keen mothering instinct, and I with my Barbies and love for playing house and school was no different. I would be bustling around my treehouse, preparing meals of leaves and “meat” (tree bark), and I’d glance over at Fluffy’s hutch, contemptuous of my cannibalistic neighbor. I’ve hated rabbits ever since, and I was relieved when the neighbor’s dog mauled them. We soon got 2 male kittens, who grew up to also eat baby rabbits.

Indeed, the world has it out for baby rabbits. I knew a man once who ran over a nest of baby rabbits with his lawn mower. He said they didn’t make a sound. How do we reckon dead baby rabbits? Why care about something we never would have cared about unless meted a climacteric fate?

Posted in Existence, Nostalgia.

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Dinner and a Movie Review: Overlord and Sandrine’s Bistro

I want very much to see Snakes on a Plane and Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, so I feel pretentious to be discussing Overlord, a 1975 WWII drama about one soldier’s journey to the beaches of Normandy. It contains an impressive amount of real stock footage woven into the storyline, including Nazi newsreels, British propaganda films, and films of Allied troops practicing for D-day. Overlord was never officially released in America, but its reputation has earned it screenings at festivals and in arty film houses like the Brattle.

Boston’s Restaurant Week – which is actually two weeks and no Fridays or Saturdays – is in full swing. Scores of upscale eateries are offering prix fixe menus – $20.06 for lunch, and $30.06 for dinner. Not exactly cheap, but you can breath easier during the meal knowing that all those $14 apps and desserts won’t result in an eye-popping check and subsequent indigestion. It’s a good excuse to go to special occasion places like Sandrine’s Bistro in Harvard Square, even if the only special occasion is Restaurant Week.

Overlord, which was the code name for the hush-hush D-day plans, centers around a young British man named Tom who is “called up,” a fate he accepts with nervous resignation. From the day he leaves his doting parents to become a soldier, he has recurring, fatalistic dreams of getting killed during battle. At boot camp, there are the typical “getting yelled at a lot while navigating obstacle course” scenes. He has a sweet, shy encounter with a young woman at a dance. He polishes his shoes in the barracks with the other privates while the drill sargeant yells at them some more: “Why do we polish our shoes? TO IMPRESS THE FRENCH.”

Sandrine’s is a French restaurant with a bar, hence it is a cozy yet gorgeous bistro. The cook hails from Strasbourg, and since we had just been there in June, Mr. Pinault and I were delighted to see paintings of the town all around the restaurant. Sandrine’s Resturant Week appetizers are a little chinzty: Soup (Chilled Cucumber Vichyssoise) or salad (Sheep’s Milk Feta Curds with mesclun greens)? Compare this to their “normal” appetizers, seductively listed on the prix fixe menu as upgrades: Crab Gazpacho (add $8), Escargot (add $10), and Fois gras (add $15). I resented Sandrine’s for tempting me to deviate from the prix fixe menu. The salad was tasty and fresh, but its plainness seemed to emphasize that I was depriving myself of fois gras. What if I die tomorrow, and I chose salad over fois gras to save $15?

Overlord was not quite what I expected. Because of moviemakers like Steven Spielberg – who must have seen this movie – I imagined a “storming the beach” scene with mass death and carnage. But this movie manages to scale the largest-ever military offensive involving over 3 million men to concern only one man, Tom, who is only ever certain of one thing: He will die.

The Seared Loin of Tuna with seasonal vegetable macedoine and spicy rouille was not quite what I expected. The tuna was done perfectly, with a quarter-inch of cooked meat flanking the otherwise raw steak. It melted in my mouth. However, the macedoine turned out to be a glorified potato salad with carrots, and the rouille was, I believe, an orange sauce that was dripped sparingly on my plate and offered little hint of spice with which to goad the mild-tasting tuna.

The documentary stock footage is deftly weaved into Overlord; indeed, the filmmaker reportedly worked around the archive footage that he found. It is jarring footage: London is burning amid the Blitz, then occupied Paris, with Hitler peering out of an airplane at the desolate landmarks. One of the most incredible scenes is when the Allies are testing a wheel that is launched into the water to clear land mines and create a fog. When the focus of the film moves back to Tom, I felt a tad impatient. Like most humans, I wanted to film to focus of the “grand scheme of things,” not the life and death of one man. And this is exactly the tragic aspect of war that the filmmaker emphasizes. Ulimately, one soldier’s death means nothing. We know, the military knows, and all the self-proclaimed “cannon fodder” sitting in their amphibuous vehicles on their way to the beaches of Normandy knows.

I struggled in my dessert choice, but Peach Tatin won out over the Chocolate Creme Caramel. It was a wise decision. To think how many men died on the beaches of Normandy so that peach tatin could endure. We are indebted to them.

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Goodbye to the Laundromat

Barring any explosive aberration in my bodily functions, today is the last day that I’ll haul dirty laundry on my back to the laundromat. Next weekend, a washer and dryer will be at my disposal in my private residence, a decadent luxury after 10 years of laundering in a communal space.

I will stop squirreling quarters. I won’t coordinate laundry day with the weather forecast. I won’t navigate sacks of dirty laundry down narrow sidewalks and be stared at by immigrants, shocked to see a white American engaging in menial chores.

The voyeur in me will miss the laundromat. I like observing other people’s laundry habits. I love the bachelors who empty garbage bags into the washer – socks with sweaters, boxers with permanent press. I love the women who scrutinize every label and dutifully add fabric softener to everything. I love the old pros who can fold a bedsheet by themselves in mid-air.

But humans adapt to convenience splendidly, and I will not miss sniffing my clothes and shoving my underwear into a bag amid all the fascinating launderers.

Posted in Existence.

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No. 13 Baby

CNN Money published their annual Best Jobs in America list. Amazingly, I’m at number 13 (Technical Writer, 23.22% job growth, average salary $57,841. Um, I’m gonna print this out and have a talk with my boss…)

I have to admit, if you like offices and don’t like having the fate of a project resting on your shoulders, if you can string a sentence together, edit your work compulsively, and think software engineers are cool (they’re #1 on the list, incidentally), then technical writing is an okay jig. Better than jobs like fur processor, castrato, match girl, stevedore, and assistant crack whore.

The list shows white-collar bias under the premise that a job must be well-paying and have potential for growth in order to be a good job. It doesn’t take into account things like whiling one’s life away in a cube. Number 25 is “Writer.” One day, I will be demoted.

Posted in In the News, The 9 to 5.

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One Less Dish to Pack

I bought this bowl the very week I moved to Cambridge seven years ago. One week out of college, and I had secured a technical writing job at a CamSalad Daysbridge software company and moved into a tiny studio in Harvard Square… 300 square feet, but I didn’t have much.

The studio was $950 a month, and I spent most of my graduation money on my deposit and first month’s rent. I didn’t have a bed or a couch, so I bought a futon. No dresser, so I assembled a system of cardboard boxes. No desk, so I put my desktop on the floor and typed while propped up on my elbows, laying on my stomach, ruining my lower back.

Moving in, I didn’t have any kitchen ware except for coffee cups. I turned the pantry shelves into a bookcase. I had a saucepot for pasta, a frying pan for eggs, a coffeemaker, some glasses, and a single matching ceramic plate and bowl. You can’t tell from the picture on the right, but on a relative scale of quality, the bowl and plate were the nicest things I owned.

All of the practical, daily-usage possessions from that tiny studio have disappeared during these seven years of continual material upgrade except for a Denny’s coffee mug, a stapler, and the ceramic bowl and plate. And now the bowl is gone. I rested it on the ledge of the sink for a second and BOOM (can’t wait to have a kitchen counter). So I will head to Natick with my only ceramic plate as a remembrance of my salad days, when I was green in judgment, cold in blood.

Posted in Massachusetts, Nostalgia.

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Funny Money

“Some fucker slipped me a Canadian quarter,” I announced to Mr. P as we approached a toll booth on the Mass Pike. Excuse the harsh language, but when I discover that I’ve been shortchanged with Canuck money, I feel screwed.

Mr. P wanted to sneak the worthless coin to the toll-taker, but the back of the quarter caught my eye: Three child stick figures, holding hands. “What is this?” I asked Mr. Pinault, who is a Canadian citizen and shrugged it off as “Hey, it’s Canada.”

canadianquarter

Obviously it is a special edition, but why would Canada, a country already self-conscious about being America’s Dopey Little Sister, mint a coin commemorating this? Generally I like Canadians, except when they assert moral supremacy over Americans because they are passive socialists, and when their quarters infiltrate my wallet.

Are the customer service associates near the border simply not vigilant against this foreign menace of alien currency? Or could someone be eking profit off the exchange rate? The vending machine at work once dispensed a Canadian quarter. I then unsuccessfully tried to use it in a future snack acquisition, meaning that they sneak Canadian money in vending machine change!

Luckily, Canadian quarters are easy to get rid of. I target cashiers in take-out lunch places, who in turn dispense their fair share. Once I noticed a cashier at Au Bon Pain had snuck me one. “Excuse me, this is Canadian,”I said, holding it out to her. But she slammed her drawer shut and called “Next please,” daring me to be the jerk who holds up the line. Accept defeat and move on. It’s only a quarter.

Posted in Existence.

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Heavenly Bodies

Today the head of the International Astronomical Union called for universal agreement among astronomers for what constitutes a planet: “People have to be able to agree on a terminology that’s used to describe things in the universe…We don’t want an American version, a European version and a Japanese version”. The world will finally have a global mythology rooted in Science: the religion inspired by logic, ruled by physics, prophetized by geniuses, and preached by nerds.

The assemblage of scientists is divided on what constitutes a planet, and their decision will determine if Pluto, with its eccentric orbit and small mass, will remain a planet. Call me Orthodox Science, but they can’t just revoke Pluto’s status as a planet. I learned 9 planets in grade school, and to suddenly have 8 would erode my faith. What other empirical lore will they disavow?

But the tenements of Science are not etched in stone; human interpretation affects it as in all beliefs. One faction contends that if Pluto is a planet, then the newly-discovered Xena should be deemed a planet, as well as 50 or so other bodies of mass in our solar system. Zealots. Another faction puts forth that we should sub-divide the classification of planets, with “gas giant planets” and “ice dwarf planets.” Radicals.

Posted in In the News.

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