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In the News

Office Bound

Today is Columbus Day, one of those sick and twisted minor patriotic holidays when everyone gets the day off except me. I escaped from the office for a true lunch hour, which I spent walking in Downtown Crossing amid tourists and shoppers. Yeah, it was nice day, 76 degrees with clear sunny blue skies… but it was undeniably breezy, almost downright windy. Ha. Hope you enjoyed your windy day off, folks.

Guerrilla Marketing

Concerned that recruitment numbers will not sustain current and future hegemonic military actions, the US Army is preparing to unveil a snazzy new multimedia ad campaign that Army Secretary Francis J. Harvey says “speaks to the essential truth” of being a soldier. Wait, I’m confused. Will the ads feature well-discplined, sexy soldiers completing missions by virtue of iron determination and cool gadgetry… or a pile of dead humans?

Most notably, the Army plans to replace its slogan An Army of One with Army Strong, which conveys to prospective recruits that “you will gain physical and emotional strength, as well as strength of character.” Hmmm… Army Strong strikes me as too vague, too Rorschach-inkblot to carry such a nuanced message. I’m not in their key marketing demographic, but the slogan makes me think “Army STRONG. Civilian WEAK. Foreigner WEAK. Prisoner WEAK. Army STRONG! STRONG kills WEAK!”

Size 0s and a 20

I didn’t feel the need to comment on the recent controversy within the fashion world when models with a BMI below 18 were not allowed to strut the runways in Madrid, until I saw a picture of Jean Paul Gaultier’s size 20 model in black lingerie. If this controversy is over promoting health, is he trying to promote obesity as the healthy alternative to repugnant thinness? Why not use nothing but size 6-10 models, for now on? Must everything in the depraved world of high fashion be so extreme and shocking?

Nuclear Kimchi

This morning, the local news segued from “North Korea Tests Nuclear Device” to “Brad and Angelina’s Bodyguard Gets Out of Line with Paparazzi.” At first I wanted to hurl my water bottle at the TV in Gold’s Gym, but then I realized anchor-bunny Christa Delcamp delivering news of historic importance was sort of irritating anyway.

I wonder if the typical starving North Korea is pleased with his country’s accomplishment. Government propaganda probably works better on a full stomach.

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In OPEC We Don’t Trust

America is rejoicing over the return of low gasoline prices after that nasty spike of $3 gallons. Cheap gas flows once again in the US, just how God intended. But don’t think of OPEC as a friendly petrol salesman whose heart breaks watching America pay out the nose for energy, or a crazy crude dealer slashing prices to get rid of new inventory. Less oil demand in the US has caused a surfeit of oil, which lead to falling prices at the pumps and less money for the OPEC. OPEC is alarmed enough to be “toying” with the idea of holding an emergency meeting so they can work out a plan to cut oil output by 4%. Just in time for Christmas: $80 barrels!

The US government is understandably “dismayed.” “We still need oil for sure. We still need all the oil we can get,” the US Energy secretary Sam Bodman said. Maybe he’s trying to bluff OPEC into not lowering their output, but the humble desperation seems all too real. OPEC is knows we’ll pay whatever they charge.

OPEC abides by its own economics: That of a monopoly. Oil isn’t a free market. If OPEC were based in the US, you can bet everyone involved would be in jail or (more likely) paying fines for restraint of trade violations. But OPEC has always maintained (and the US always agreed) that its cartel activities are essential for the stability of the energy markets. Well, that’s true… if by “stability,” you mean “gouging,” and by “energy markets,” you mean “oil addicts.”

In no way do I advocate that the US attempt to apply anti-trust laws to OPEC, or that OPEC be dissolved and oil become a free market commodity. (can you say “armaggedon?”) But this is one more example why the US really, really needs to get serious about divesting ourselves from the world energy market: So our Energy secretary doesn’t give wussy soundbites about the greedy whims of a foreign-run cartel.

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Book Review: The Story of a Life by Aharon Appelfeld

A keen interest in Holocaust memoirs feels a bit ghoulish, like historical rubber-necking. I’ve read quite a few, from classics like If This is a Man by Primo Levi and Night by Elie Wiesel, to slightly obscure ones like All but My Life by Gerda Weissmann Klein, The Defiant by Shalom Yoran, and The Painted Bird by Jerzy Kosinski. And though I’m affected by the horrors these books lay bare, no other genre of literature offers purer exemplification of mankind’s resilience. These are books told by survivors who are innate writers, who would have written books even if they hadn’t lived through the Holocaust.

Appelfeld grew up in Romania. The first few chapters he reminisces about vacations to his Grandparent’s village in the Carpathian mountains. He dwells on detail: The food, the tiny synagogue, and the touch and sight of his mother. This is all he has left of his family. By the time he is eight, his parents are dead and he has escaped from a concentration camp. For the next three years, he hid in the woods of the Ukraine, occasionally working for peasants, but mostly on his own – hiding, walking, foraging. In 1946, he sailed to Isreal and began keeping a diary, a mosaic of words in German, Yiddish, Hebrew, and even Ruthenian. I was not able to connect words into sentences, and the words were the suppressed cries of a fourteen-year-old youth who’d lost all the languages he had spoken and was now left without a language. (The book was translated from Hebrew.)

Appelfeld studied at the Hebrew University in Jerusalem. His unstructured childhood was still very much inside of him. Throughout my university years I wrote poems, but these were more like the howls of a wounded animal… Mother, Mother, Father, Father: Where are you? It wasn’t until Appelfeld gained a sense of belonging in his community – playing chess, attending social clubs, drinking coffee with other writers- that he could control his burning desire to dwell on the past, and begin to write with perspective.

In between narratives about his experiences, Appelfeld muses quite a bit about writing and language, and what it means for a survivor to write about these things. After he wrote his first book Smoke in 1962, I was labeled a “Holocaust writer.” There is nothing more annoying. A writer, if he’s a writer, writes from within himself and mainly about himself… Theme, subject matter- all these are by-products of his writing, not his essence… Only the right words can construct a literary text, not subject matter.

Appelfeld’s prose is powerful and spare, philosophical and elegant. I would recommend this book even to people who shy away from Holocaust memoirs, because to Appelfeld, the past may have constructed who he is, but that’s not only who he is. Above all, he is a writer.

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Makeover-a-matic

I read once in a lad magazine aimed at white-collar men with disposable income that women, though they protest otherwise, adore being paid compliments by strangers. In fact, women live for it. It’s why they spend hours perfecting their appearance: To bait flattery, inflate their self-esteem, and possibly enjoy an intimate encounter with the type of hunk that reads lad magazines.

Maybe I wouldn’t mind the unsolicited attentions of men if they looked as if they read lad magazines. I don’t know though, because the only strange men who pay me compliments look like reprobates. Yesterday in South Station, after I bounded up a flight of stairs, a man disembarking from the adjacent escalator said “You’re in great shape! Look how you went up those stairs!” He was in his late 30s, about 5’2, wearing baggy jeans and a torn windbreaker. His face had that Skeletor-look that afflicts many rail-thin men after decades of fast-food and alcohol. When he smiled, I saw a tooth. And to top it all off, he was genuinely impressed at my prowess on a flight of roughly a dozen stairs. I couldn’t help it. I flinched and ran away.

Certainly I don’t take it as a compliment when the compliment comes from the dregs of society. I reason that they have nothing to lose by attempting to flirt with a female who’s, like, so out of their league. But then I fret: What if they don’t see me as being out of their league? What if I’m comparable-looking to women they’ve successfully “had” in the past? I don’t spend an enormous amount of time on make-up, hair, shoes, and all of the other trappings women employ to signal willing sexuality, but do I look downright lower-class?

Maybe I should beautify my plebeian aura. I booted up iVillage’s Makeover-o-Matic. I didn’t feel like registering in order to upload my own photo, so I selected the model that best represented my self-image at the time, gave her a new hair-do, teeth whitening, color contacts, and make-up… and the results are quite striking. Guaranteed to stave off compliments from any man, whether he reads lad magazines or hawks Spare Change newspaper.

Posted in Existence.

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Artichokes

I used to call these “Googles” because Google used to be the only search engine that I got hits from, but currently most of these search terms come from Yahoo, with minor amounts from Google, MSN, and AskJeeves.

And as my archives flourish into a stew of rant and reflection about nothing in particular and everything in passing, the mishmash of search phrases that bring users to this site is impressive. From inquisitive eaters of bland green beans to perverts looking for very particular porn specimens of, this site is like an artichoke: It has a leaf for everyone, but makes a meal for no one.

mexican panhandlers dressed as nurses
become a jagerette
white faux fur collar philadelphia eagles coat
long sports knickers, __ fours
wife or word trade center victim sequins
pronunciation of phytochemicals
i just can’t relate to 99 f the population
automated waitress

naughty moms eager sex with sons
hot sexy girls in sex party in germany
hollywood actress sharon stone hot non-nude pic
sexy women’s volleyball team photos only
malaysian stewardess sex scandal
naked nubile nude young women’s photos
sexy non nude pre teen
pictures of female sports reporters interviewing naked males

why green beans are tasteless
walmart t-shirt obesity
wal-marts business relationship with snickers
colored defecation, green
green apple mr. bonbons
calories in goodfellas solo
confront an adult nose picker

princess sissi coloring pages
my twinn doll relaxed hair feel
what goes with a green and tan bedroom set
wooderson halloween costume
rabbits mating movie

condi rice / possible suitors, boyfriend’s
“doug meehan” gay
“approaching””express line””actions”
“bush administration euphemisms”
alec baldwin comfort eat
jeff skilling lusty

what are the names of the people in green days band
what are green days most common songs
green days salary
what kind of pants does billie joe armstrong wear

narcissistic yuppie drivers suv
jock raped barfed
hand sanitizer huffing
methacton underground
who is the model in the ban deodorant advertisements
explain camera techniques used in the film the english patient
25000000000 cups
where in the u.s was the first bank atm installed especially for rollerbladers
roses are red, violets are blue, my mind keeps wandering off, cause i’m thinking of you
life is not a bowl of cherries, black girl
french guys

Posted in Miscellany.

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On the DocTrain

On a day-to-day level, my profession as a documentation coordinator is extremely comfortable: Surmountable challenges, perpetually-extended deadlines, and no direct supervision (I’m an autonomous resource attached to an engineering manager). Yet it’s a job that most people can’t feign interest in. I dare not attempt to regale anyone with my job’s crises and dilemmas: How do I deal with customizable workflows and modularized branding? Should I document known software bugs and limitations? In how many ways does MS Word suck? (Is anyone still reading this?)

Today I attended DocTrain at UMass Boston, where I fiendishly networked with people who have opinions about these issues. Even the exhibitors didn’t care about the attendees’ existence beyond potential revenue sources: “Oh, you use Doc-to-Help? And you have no interest in using our tool? Oh, okay. Here’s our product brochure and the corporate swag that lured you to our booth. Enjoy the conference.” (And poor me at the Adobe booth, once they found out I was a lone writer with no need for multiple software licenses, I didn’t even get offered a T-shirt).

The typical technical writer is a follower, not a leader (you make the product, I’ll write about it.) In between panels on perennial doc concerns about content management and the user experience, I found myself around a lot of meek people who flipped through brochures while grazing on the buffet. Not willing to indulge in either activity, I gathered confidence from my Calvin Klein suit jacket and smart, blond bun, and began chatting up writers.

“So, which tools do you use?” is the perfect opening line. Career tech writers can talk at great lengths about tools, and within 5 minutes we’d be laughing like old friends about our shared peeves and horror stories: Last minute product changes, dealing with legacy doc, sharing content with other departments, and reconciling marketing’s description of a product with reality. How I relished in feeling as if my existence is a valid one! Even if it was as pathetic as it sounds!

Posted in The 9 to 5.

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Technical Difficulties

Recent problems with how this site displays (Chinese characters in Safari, HTML tags in IE) prompt a public confession: I do this site entirely by hand-coding HTML in a .txt file, which, in today’s world of readily-available blogging software packages, is utterly ridiculous. The strange text rendering is probably caused by my bad habit of editing my site’s .txt files in both Window’s Notepad and Mac’s TextEdit, which screws up the encoding.

I’ve investigated other ways to deploy this site other than the HTML equivalent of churning my own butter, but software is either expensive or would require that I “do something” with three years of archives or would just rob me of the control that the HTML allows (I don’t want “comment” functionality… ) But the layout of my site isn’t too hot, and my current method is time-consuming and buggy, so a new solution must be found. For now, I apologize for any strange formatting or characters… it’s all because of my miserly, old-fashioned ways.

Since I just spent a lot of time fiddling with HTML code in an effort to fix things, I don’t have time to say much else say today. So here’s a picture of the most life-like robot I saw at NextFest yesterday. I wanted to feed him soup. He moved slowly, but his facial expressions were realistic. I heard one teenager ask, “Is he gay?”

nextfest3

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Back from the Future

I’ve seen the future at the Wired NextFest in New York City (“the premier future-focused event in the US”), and it’s filled with robots, video games, lasers, synthetic instruments, and corn. Yep, the future looks suspiciously like the present, which is not surprising, if it can currently be shown in an exhibition.

My favorite exhibit was the Atari Rabbit Theatre, featuring 100 electronic bunnies performing an opera. I also enjoyed Alex Hubo (pictured below on the left) from the Korea Advanced Institute of Science and Technology, “the first ever walking robot with an expressive face.” Very impressive. I can only imagine the long hours that Korea’s brightest scientific minds spent to get a robot to dance to MC Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This.”

Still, nothing I saw at the NextFest was half as entertaining as a squirrel seen in Brooklyn’s Botanical Garden (pictured below on the right.) It was hanging upside-down by its hind legs from a sunflower, unabashedly feasting on sunflower seeds. I’d like to see a robot try to do that.

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Mount Jackson 4052′ October 2006

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Movie Review: Snakes on a Plane

If one thing should be said about Snakes on a Plane, it’s that it lived up to the main thrust of the hype: There were snakes, and they were on a plane. But beyond that, well…

The NYTimes is reporting that Snakes on a Plane is a box office disappointment, which doesn’t surprise me. It’s an R-rated B-horror movie. We can all titter about the movie’s stupid name and premise, but how many people will commit $10 and 90 minutes just to hear Samuel L. Jackson deliver his money phrase in context, with Shakespearean-like intonation:

“Enough is enough! I have had it with these muthafuckin’ snakes on this muthafuckin’ plane!”

The main problem with Snakes is that it’s campy, with a throw-away plot and stereotypical characters (the flight crew has a sexist pilot, a slutty stewardess, a flaming flight attendant) but not consistently campy. It tries to tug your heart strings, to inspire, to make us care.

The first half-hour is agonizing, but necessary in creating a plausible scenario where multiple species of poisonous snakes would be not only on a plane, but attacking the passengers, seemingly always on the face or genitals. When the action really gets going, it’s violent and gory and sort of kills the fun. How can we laugh at snakes on a plane when they’re horrifically killing everyone on it?

The worst part of the movie was either the opening montage of hardbodies on the beach (I almost left) or repeated camera shots from the “snake” perspective.

Still, it was purposely a cheesy horror that reminded me of my beloved zombie genre: The unexpected, absurd menace… the frenzied scrambling and sudden demises… the heroes that step up to face the mounting crises. I’m glad it lived up to its billing, if not its hype. But I will only see the sequel if it’s called what SLJ has suggested: Mo’ Muthafuckin’ Snakes on Mo’ Muthafuckin’ Planes.

Posted in Culture.

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