Blackmailed by junk mail
I get an endless stream of junk mail from charities and organizations whose entire mission is to make the world a better place. So why the fuck are they sending me junk mail? Is there any mail more ironic than a thick, glossy envelope from the freaking Arbor Day Foundation? Maybe if the American Heart Association mailed me a carton of Marlboros and a sleeve of Twinkies.
I’ve gone numb to these paper pleas—fighting homelessness, injustice, Republicans, environmental collapse, misogyny, underfunded schools, birth defects—each one wrapped in a guilt-trip and a set of free cheap address labels. I don’t even bother opening them anymore. Like most people, I’ve learned that a $30 donation is less about helping a cause and more about buying yourself a permanent slot on the begging list.
But today, a letter from Smile Train caught my eye.
I had to read it twice. “Make one gift now and we’ll never ask for another donation again!” It was so blunt, so refreshingly transactional. No emotional blackmail. Just: Give us money and we’ll leave you the hell alone.
Honestly? Respect.
And if that means no more oversized envelopes featuring ghostly white babies with cleft palates? That might just be the best ROI in the history of charitable giving.
