So apparently, Song Airlines—a new “hip” division of Delta (yes, Delta, destroyer of my travel plans just two weeks ago)—is giving away 5,000 free plane tickets to passengers who are nice.
I’m serious.
Flight attendants will be given four golden tickets per flight to bestow upon the kindest, sunshiniest, most nauseatingly upbeat passengers onboard. You know what this means: we’re about to witness the rise of competitive, over-performed kindness at 30,000 feet.
I’m staying off Song flights this summer. Because these are the exact scenes that are about to play out:
Unnecessary Kindness
“Here, let me help you with your bag.”
“No thanks, I’ve got it.”
“I said, let me help you with that bag.”
“Give me back my bag, freak!”
“Hey! I’m just trying to be nice, dammit!”
Competitive Kindness
[Two women at the boarding gate]
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“No, I insist.”
[louder, to gate agent]
“I insisted first.”
Sacrificial Kindness
[Restroom line, post in-flight meal]
“Here, you go in front of me.”
“Are you sure?”
“Totally fine. [rivulet of urine streaks down pantyhose] I can hold it.”
Unrewarded Kindness
[Flight attendant arrives after call button is pressed]
“Can I help you, sir?”
“Yes. The man in 14D needed a pen.”
“Oh, let me check if we—”
“No, no. I took care of it. I loaned him one of mine.”
[smiles humbly]
Annoying Kindness
“Hey everyone! I know we’ve been sitting on this runway for four hours, but if we all just believe hard enough, the lightning will stop, the sun will shine, and this plane will take off!
Come on! [singing] The sun’ll come out, tomorrow…“
No Kindness at All
[Flight attendant approaches old friend in row 12]
“There you are. Okay, here’s your free ticket. Enjoy Hawaii.”
“Wait, shouldn’t I, like… do something kind?”
[laughs]
“Sure. Knock yourself out.”
This, friends, is the dystopia of performative virtue—served at cruising altitude, garnished with stale biscotti.
Fly safe. Or just… drive.
