Skip to content

Robert Frost Beer Pong

A few weeks ago, at least 50 teenagers broke into a historic Vermont farmhouse where Robert Frost once lived and held a drunken gathering, causing an estimated $10,000 worth of damage and destroying many irreplacable artifacts. It was Frost himself who wrote “Good fences make good neighbors”. Perhaps this quaint adage warrants modernizing: “Good security cameras, survellience equipment, and attack dogs make good neighbors.”

Robert Frost spent his summmers and falls at Homer Noble Farm in rural Ripton, Vermont and taught at nearby Middlebury College for over thirty years until his death in 1963. When Frost famously said “I go to school the youth to learn the future,” surely he could not have foreseen the youth of the future playing beer pong in his living room.

At least 20 people have been charged and will receive citations to appear in court, “mostly for unlawful trespass and unlawful mischief”. Perhaps the criminals could curry favor with the judge by using Frost’s own words to admit their guilt: “We took risks. We knew we took them. Things have come out against us. We have no cause for complaint.”

Posted in Culture, In the News.

Tagged with , .

Comments Off on Robert Frost Beer Pong

By Meredith – January 17, 2008

It’s Not Easy Being Greengrocer

Mr. P and I are preparing for our civil ceremony next week. The real marriage ceremonies aren’t until September and October 2008, so we will be saving our sentiment until then. The civil ceremony will be just us sighing impatiently while the Justice of the Peace signs the marriage license so that Mr. P can apply for his Green Card… which, as I’ve been telling him all along, is the card that you get when you marry a Green.

Of course, after next week, I’ll no longer be a Green. I considered briefly keeping my name – Green is actually a terrific last name – but there were no other compelling reasons to keep it. Many women fear that they will lose their identity, but I got this here web site to keep me rooted. That’s right, I may give up my name, but I’m keeping my domain! Other women want to carry on their heritage. Well, I’m very fond of my last name, but I’m hardly the last Green out there. And some women have professional reasons for keeping their name. Well, I’m just not that successful.

Hyphenating my name was never an option, for a very good reason that I will explain with help of an antecdote:

In Middle School, I had a history teacher named Mr. Todd who was fond of taking roll every day by rapidly reading our last names from an alphabetical list. We had 3 seconds to yelp “Here!” lest Mr. Todd be forced to repeat the name while raising his eyes to confirm the absence of the student in question.

Yes, it was very Ferris Bueller?… Bueller?… except Mr. Todd had a lot more piss and vinegar. It was like Fitzgerald! (here) Grady! (here) Green! (here) Grosser! (here) And one day, Mr. Todd stopped the roll call – an unprecedented occurrence – and said “Green Grosser, har, har, har. You two should get married, har har har. Then you could be Meredith Green-Grosser.”

For a seventh-grade girl who suffered public mortification on a daily basis, it was as if he had very suddenly pulled down my pants. Everyone laughed except for me and the unfortunate Grosser boy who had already suffered undue hardship due to his name.

And I decided right then and there never to hyphenate my name. Because then, Green becomes an adjective.

Posted in migrated, Nostalgia.

Tagged with .

Comments Off on It’s Not Easy Being Greengrocer

By Meredith – January 16, 2008

Candy Review: Jolt Gum

I discovered Jolt Caffeine Energy Gum while in a checkout line at KMart. Pride forces me to clarify that I am not a frequent KMart shopper, and I’m opposed to these types of ginormous big-box stores, partly out of environmental and societal concerns, and partly out of snobbery. But last Saturday, we happened to be driving in Somerville and I spied the KMart Garden Center. Hoping to score some cheap plant containers, I urged Mr. Pinault to pull over.

It’s been at least 12 years since I’ve been in a KMart, and Mr. Pinault is a complete KMart virgin. As we walked through the parking lot, I teased Mr. Pinault – “Omigod, I can’t believe you’re going to KMart!” – but I shut up the moment we entered the vast, cavernous store. An intricate maze of towering shelves fanned out before us, inviting us into a labryinth of cheap Chinese imports. Abject people milled through the aisles, leaning on their steel-caged carriages, their eyes dully darting from product to product to product. A hush filled the store, and it was louder than any audible noise could be. We had entered a capitalist purgatory.

We discovered that the Garden Center was currently functioning as a “75% off” clearance area for Christmas decorations. At least 20 mostly Hispanic women sorted through giant bins and queued for the electronic price checker to check the discount on snowflake napkin rings and Nativity scene lamb figurines.

On the way out, we decided to buy some laundry detergent. All 3 checkout lines were mobbed by people with absolutely full carriages. The cashier would slowly seize one item, scan it, then place it in an individual plastic bag. Every so often, the customer would question the price of an item and decide they didn’t want it. The cashier would then have to void the item, a process that required a manager to type a code onto the register’s touchscreen. Nobody seemed impatient or in a rush; I guess it’s either this or Saturday afternoon television.

My attention wandered to the crammed candy display, where I spotted Jolt Caffeine Energy gum (2 pieces equals 1 cup of coffee! With ginseng and guarana!) I was intruigued enough to buy the gum. When we finally made it out of KMart, I popped two pieces in my mouth. The taste was pretty gross, but I chewed. After about five minutes, I discerned a rush of caffeine. I inexplicably wanted to cry, so I spit out the gum and drank some water until my heart calmed down. Jolt Gum made me feel like KMart makes me feel: Anxious, slightly ill, and upset that such a thing exists.

Posted in Americana, Review.

Tagged with , , .

Comments Off on Candy Review: Jolt Gum

By Meredith – January 15, 2008

Flashback #2

I’m still combing through this web site’s archives in search of posts for my planned Best-of feature. I’m only about 20% done, but this process is proving to be most enlightening. My first realization was: Holy crap, I’ve written a lot of words for little recognition and no money! Luckily, my second realization mitigated this outrage: My writing style is honed and toned to the bone (I just made that up, and then Googled it to certify its originality. Proof positive!)

You know those Before & After pictures of people who’ve lost hundreds of pounds? In 2003, my writing weighed 400 pounds. It was sluggish, lethargic, and couldn’t scale a single flight of stairs without panting. Here’s a post, in its entirety, from October 13, 2003:

Happy Columbus Day. Of course, it would be a much happier Columbus Day if I didn’t have work. It’s like I’m freaking Bob Cratchit. At least the commute is smooth and I don’t have to deal with the Tuesday morning after a three day weekend. Those are brutal.

Omigod, how flabby is that writing? But I wrote every day, and pound by pound, my writing slimmed down to a svelte 140 pounds. It’s confident, energetic, and enjoying life. From March 20, 2006, here’s a review of the men’s fragrance Voyage by Nautica:

Though the name implies adventure and exploration, this generic marine scent is strictly for a routine day at office. If you close your eyes and let the odor waft deep into your nostril, you can pretend you’re on a 46 foot cruising yacht, the sea water misting onto your Helly Hanson offshore jacket while you gaze at the expansive ocean in Yves Saint Laurent Aviator sunglasses and nurse a Smirnoff Lime and Cola. But open your eyes. You’re staring at an Excel spreadsheet while the guy in the next cubicle clips his fingernails and munches on peanut M and Ms, and you smell like generic aspirational tedium.

Yes, it took a lot of hard work, but my writing finally feels confident and sexy in a swimsuit.

Posted in Miscellany.

Tagged with .

rev="post-3125" 1 comment

By Meredith – January 14, 2008

Mmmmm, Bridezilla

A friend emailed me this picture of a bride in Texas whose wedding cake is a full-size likeness of herself (here). Wow. The pure bridal narcissism. Isn’t there at least a little plastic groom, perhaps perched on her massive cake shoulder, or baked inside of her like a king cake?

While I wouldn’t mind having a 68-inch tall cake (my love of cake is legendary) at my wedding, there would be something Kafkaesque about watching people eating a giant cake me.

Posted in In the News.

Tagged with .

Comments Off on Mmmmm, Bridezilla

By Meredith – January 11, 2008

Snowballs in Hell

Bombs aren’t the only things dropping from the sky in Baghdad. Friday morning, residents in Iraq’s capital were stunned to see snowflakes, which is such a unique event that many residents refer to the snow as a type of rain (“the sky is raining snow”). You know how the Eskimos reportedly have over a 1000 words for snow? Apparently, the Iraqis have one: Rain.

The appearance of snow filled many Iraqis with delight and optimism. Oh, how lovely to see the snow drifting through the air. It’s a message from God. It’s a sign that every little thing is gonna be alright. Hallelujah, it’s raining snow! Hell has frozen over!

Posted in In the News.

Tagged with .

Comments Off on Snowballs in Hell

By Meredith – January 11, 2008

Ode to W00T

Merriam-Webster’s Word of the Year for 2007 is W00t. This is old news, because W00t was crowned way back in December 2007, but by now, you’ve probably forgotten what “w00t” means (it’s defined as an interjection for “expressing joy.”)

I had no idea what w00t meant before reading the announcement. I had never seen the word, since it is only ever used “in competitive online gaming forums as part of what is known as l33t…the exclamation is also known to be an acronym for ‘we owned the other team.'” Ah, 133t. That is, Leet. Once a slang used by hackers to communicate quickly, Leet has evolved into a full-blown corruption of English – the cool language of a generation. It proudly disregards proper capitalization, spelling, punctuation, and grammar. It employs a limited vocabulary that often follows intuition. In other words, d00d, l33t sux0r.

Merriam Webster president John Morse applauded W00t’s selection, saying it blends “whimsy and technology.” No. It blends the infinite degradation of language with online gaming. And Merriam-Webster’s condoning of W00t shows that they’re willing to compromise their prestige as Noah Webster’s lexicographical heirs for a marketing effort to appear hip and impress people who obviously aren’t reading dictionaries anyway.

Sometimes I am so flummoxed by humanity’s asininity, that I feel like it’s time to head to the elephants’ graveyard.

Posted in Americana, In the News.

Tagged with .

Comments Off on Ode to W00T

By Meredith – January 10, 2008

Limerick

My only New Year’s resolution is to write more poetry. Real poetry, with meter and rhyme and structure. Not that bullshit free verse poetry. I will experiment with various poetic forms. I want to do sonnet, haiku, ghazal, sestina. I want to be well-versed in this most useless of arts.

I was inspired by an article called “Poetry Stand” in The American Scholar, in which the author discusses how he lead a group of teenaged poets to set up a poetry stand (“like a country lemonade stand, except that people would be coming for poems.”) This required the students to learn all sorts of poetic forms to prepare for the types of poems that they might be asked to write. Lo and behold, one man asked for a villanelle about monkeys (“It seemed to me he was trying to stump them by requesting an intricate and difficult form on an inconsequential topic”) and the teenaged poet instantly obliged. This humbled and inspired me.

I’m starting off with an easy one: Limericks. Wikipedia defines a limerick as “a five-line poem with a strict form. Limericks are frequently witty or humorous, and sometimes obscene with humorous intent. A limerick has five lines, with three metrical feet in the first, second and fifth lines and two metrical feet in the third and fourth lines. The rhyme scheme is usually AABBA.” So here is my limerick.

There is a nice young man from France
Who enjoys wine, football, and dance.
And if you say please,
He’ll put down the cheese,
And oblige to take off his pants.

Posted in Culture.

Tagged with .

Comments Off on Limerick

By Meredith – January 9, 2008

Primary Fatigue

Democracy is the worst form of government except for all those others that have been tried. — Winston Churchill

With the 2008 Presidential primaries (finally) beginning, I get the feeling that only the most rabid political animals are not sick to death of this election. Can’t we just cut to the chase and skip the primaries? Does anyone need until November to decide? Aren’t we just inviting the emergence of wack-job Third Party candidates to further confuse the political process with their vanity candidancies? Isn’t this whole prolonged election process just a scheme to sell newspapers, magazines, and advertisements?

Ah, I’m sorry. Perhaps you came to my website to take refuge from politics, hoping that I’m still high on my recent trip to France to prattle about anything else. Well, too bad, because my babbling can traverse multiple subjects at once. When I was in France, the subject of the US Presidential race came up more than once. French people are keen on keeping up on international affairs. In fact, it’s a Gallic badge of honor to be able to convincingly bitch, moan, and pillor any elected politician on Earth.

America wasn’t founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damn well please. — P.J. O’Rourke

The French are a tactful, private people who do not share the American proclivity to be open about every detail of their life, so I was not asked directly about which candidate I supported, nor did I readily come out and declare it. Instead, I rolled my eyes when any Republican was mentioned and amused everyone by explaining what a Huckabee is. After ten minutes of polite evasion, I finally came clean: “Hillary’s great, but when Barack Obama speaks, he reminds me of John F. Kennedy. There’s never been an American president like him in my lifetime. I don’t know how I could not support Obama.”

The floodgates were open, and that fiery French passion for contention poured forth. “You do not like Hillary’s ideas about universal health care? You not want to see a woman as President? You do not like Bill Clinton? You do not think she is capable and experienced?” The problem is, I would say “yes, yes, yes, and yes” to all of Hillary’s advantages. Like most Democrats, I do like Hillary, and I wouldn’t be upset if she was elected. Hillary’s a peach, but I guess it all comes back to that political cliche: Change. And not that batshit insane Guliani kind of change.

Let us never forget that government is ourselves and not an alien power over us. The ultimate rulers of our democracy are not a President and senators and congressmen and government officials, but the voters of this country. — Franklin D. Roosevelt

Posted in In the News.

Tagged with .

Comments Off on Primary Fatigue

By Meredith – January 8, 2008

Working from Work

Lingering jet lag nudges me awake at 6:00am, an hour before my alarm is due. I lay in bed and finish reading Veronica by Mary Gaitskill, which I had abandoned before my trip with only six pages left unread – too few to justify carrying it across the Atlantic Ocean. The story had begun with puissance, but ended with a tacit whimper, a lovely acquiescence in a book about vulnerability and death. I murmur the last line while in the shower: I will be full of gratitude and joy.

I head out the door feeling dainty in my lightweight office clothes and sneakers, my stomach nimbly digesting yogurt and fruit. I walk quickly on the bike path to the subway. How comforting to be back on the Red Line, catching up with world affairs in The New York Times, nestled in a crowd of grim-faced commuters while the conductor repeats at each stop “This is a Braintree train” in a fatalistic Bostonian drone.

Returning to work was easier than I anticipated. I forgot that no one else worked very hard last week, and therefore the mental images of entering the office to have my limbs ripped off by documentation-hungry jackals who have been laying in wait since I left never came to fruit. Instead, I spent a good hour going through emails, half of which were entitled “Working from Home.” I blinked when I came to one from a coworker that said “Working from Work.” “Hi, I’m working from work, and I’m the only one in the office, so I thought I’d say Hi” the message said.

Working from work. The day in the office flew by, and I glided along with it, buoyed by the restorative powers of my past week in France. “How was France?” people asked, and I grew shy. No matter what I say, I feel like I’m bleating: “Oh, you know, France was France. How I adore that certain je ne sais quoi, and how unfortunate that I have to be back here, in the United States, among all you cultural heathens.”

I am self-conscious when I talk about France or how I’m marrying a Frenchman. Americans associate France with sophistication and seduction, and French women with femininity and fashion, yet I’m this beast of practical shoes and comfortable pants. When I go to France, I sweat in the snow for 6 hours straight then gorge on peasant food. It would be more appropriate if I were marrying a Russian.

Posted in The 9 to 5.

Tagged with .

Comments Off on Working from Work

By Meredith – January 7, 2008