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Gender Spayed/Neutered

Yesterday the Massachusetts House of Representatives gave its initial approval to a bill that would require all future legislation to use gender-neutral language like “he/she” and “his/her” instead of the general use of “he”. Finally there will be justice for anyone who has ever read state legislative documents and felt subordinated by pronouns!

The gender-neutral law was introduced by State Representative Cory Atkins of Concord, who has a gender-neutral name him/herself. Atkins spearheaded the bill after he/she read a bill about nursing that used masculine pronouns. “I thought I must have picked up the wrong legislation because it was all, ‘he’ this, ‘he’ that, when nursing is predominantly a female profession,” she/he said. Actually, nursing is done exclusively by women out of biologic necessity, which I imagine made the generic “he” in the breastfeeding bill even starker.

As a wordsmith, the use of concatenated pronouns offends my inner sense of diction. It’s inelegant and jarring to the eye, and legalese hardly needs any more idiomatic clutter. Agreeing with me is Rep. Robert Hargraves of Groton, who told the Boston Herald “I think it’s (expletive)… We’ve got too much to do here with actual items to be fooling around with this crap.” Obviously he is not a man given to pondering linguistic nuances.

The issue is not precision, of course, because when Chapter 265, Section 26B forbids “Drugging persons for kidnapping” (here) by repeatedly stipulating “against his will,” we all intuitively know that women cannot be legally be drugged and kidnapped either. The issue is if the use of the “generic he” in legislation truly discriminatory. I chalk it up to linguistic convenience , but one bourn out of a long history of systematic sexism. So if Rep. Cory Atkins is willing to risk accusations of frivolity by crusading for against gender bias in legislation, I say, you go girl/guy!

Posted in In the News, Massachusetts.

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Book Review: The Last Chinese Chef

Over the years, American-style Chinese food has slithered to bottom of my list of preferred cuisines on a trail of sesame oil. I’ve found that applied avoidance of Chinese restaurants is a necessary precaution to avoid the hours of queasy digestive rebuking that can result from eating batter-fried protein, greasy carbohydrates, and limp vegetables swimming in sweet-n-sour-n-salty sauces.

Yet I’ve always assumed that genuine Chinese cuisine must be quite tasty and sophisticated, on the childlike logic that China is a big country with a long history and a lot of people. So I was intrigued by The Last Chinese Chef by Nicole Mones (author of Lost in Translation), which promised on the back cover to “unlock the deepest mysteries of legendary Chinese culinary arts to produce a feast for the human heart”.

The plot is as tidy and convenient as tightly-wound spring roll: Maggie, a 40-ish American widow and food writer, travels to Beijing to deal with a paternity suit involving her late husband. A magazine editor suggests that, while she’s there, Maggie should write about an up-and-coming Jewish-American/Chinese chef named Sam Liang, who cooks in the tradition of his grandfather, a renowned chef of the Forbidden City. While Sam prepares for a national cooking contest, he explains the intricacies of Chinese cuisine to Maggie, like how some cuisine evolved with poetry because poets often collaborated over meals, why fat is considered a delicacy, and how texture can sometimes trump taste.

Owing to several sub-plots, Sam and Maggie forge a bond. Maggie, who is dealing with the hurtful paternity suit, finds great comfort from, um, eating Sam Liang’s chicken, as shown in this excerpt that typifies much of the book’s language and style: She plucked a morsel from the side of the bird, low on the breast where the moistness of the thigh came in, and tasted it. It was as soft as velvet, chicken times three, shot through with ginger and the note of onion… It put a roof over her head and a patterned warmth round her so that even though all her anguish was still with her it became, for a moment, something she could bear.

The story goes down like steamed chow mein: Soft and amiable, with nothing too heavy to chew on. Before I realized it, I had finished over half the book. I just kept shoving the words in my brain without stopping to ponder them. I had to put the The Last Chinese Chef down for a week, and cleanse my brain with the fiber-filled Posthumous Keats before I was stricken by the desire to finish my plate.

Ultimately, The Last Chinese Chef satisfies the Recommended Daily Allowance of insight into China’s culinary traditions. In fact, it contains abundant, nearly toxic levels of Chinese food descriptions, all punctuated by our heroine Maggie gloating about how incredible it tastes. This is all pressed together with superfluous sub-plots and characters, and then deep-fried in love. The ending fortune cookie is an expected, sweet but cringing sex scene between Maggie and Sam. For all its pretenses of being about genuine Chinese cuisine, The Last Chinese Chef sure goes down like American-style Chinese takeout.

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Wal-Mart’s Haute Couture Revisited

Wal-Mart has sounded the death knell for z.b.d. design, a line of trendy women’s clothing that the megalith retailer sold online for nearly a year. As always, Wal-Mart’s concern is with the bottom line. Says Wal-Mart executive, “We’ve gotten a better return in focusing more on seasonal key items that are a little bit more basic.” Like frozen hamburger patties, take and bake pizzas, and Malt-O-Meal cereal.

Let us take a moment to reflect upon this loss, this passing, this quietus of the pinstripe trapeze jacket ($18.88) and the retro smock tunic ($7.88), casualties of a pessimistic economic climate that is expected to render our nation’s most lowly consumers incapable of owning any clothing other than ribbed tank tops and cotton clam diggers.

z.b.d. design was Wal-Mart’s second attempt at wrestling market share from Target by tantalizing big-box America’s inner fashion diva with tweed swing jackets and gigot-sleeve mock-neck tees (available in black and raisin). The first attempt, Metro7, is available in some stores and online after its disastrous debut, albeit on a scaled-back basis with more emphasis on practical designs. The z.b.d. design was available exclusively online. Perhaps Wal-Mart was wagering that the sleeveless lace v-neck top ($16.88) would attain a certain digerati cache. Perhaps Wal-Mart was catering to the fashionistas who were too ashamed to be seen in a Wal-Mart but still just had to have the square-neck silver-and-black satin leopard-print dress ($24.88). Perhaps Wal-Mart was hoping that online consumers wouldn’t be able to tell how cheaply and poorly tailored the “Made in the USA and/or Imported” clothing is.

I’m not fashion maven, so I lack the eagle-eyes to discern the stylistic differences between Metro7 and z.b.d. design. Both offer tunic tees and swing jackets. Both push puff-sleeves and slim pants as if they’re going out of style (ahem). And, judging by Wal-Mart own marketing images (see below), both apparently look woefully unflattering on anyone with a face. It would seem that Wal-Mart abides by Oscar Wilde’s philosophy: Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

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Posted in Americana.

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The Skin of my Soles

Yesterday, a hot, humid haze settled over Boston like a regional steam bath, and I couldn’t step outside the air-conditioned cocoon of my bedroom without erupting into beady sweat—forehead, chest, fingers, ankles—all puffing into plump, lethargic lumps. I holed up writing gibberish perfume reviews until the artificial chill turned stale, Dictionary.com’s cleft-palate charity ad bummed me out, and Mr. P returned from his Sunday morning triathlon to whisk me away to Crane Beach in Ipswich.

It wasn’t an archetypal beach day—an opaque scrim of gray clouds dulled the sky, and a fresh sea breeze across the 65-degree water made swimming feel like penance. But Mr. P liked how it reminded him of the beaches in Brittany, and I liked how I could bare my pale skin without worrying about sunscreen. We parked our beach chairs between a young family constructing a sandcastle at the command of a barky toddler and a silent blanket of teenage sunbathers who communicated solely through the crunch of Pringles.

While we ate our picnic lunch, Mr. P dropped his sandwich in the sand, giving me a perfect excuse to trot out that old chestnut—“that’s why they’re called sandwiches”—which made him laugh, thinking I’d made it up. Afterward, while he dove into the New York Times and took discreet sips from his beer, I wandered off for a walk.

Crane Beach is one of my favorite spots in New England—a long white ribbon of silky sand unfurling around billowy dunes. Further down, past the crowds and lifeguards, the ocean flattens at low tide into wide, shallow pools. You can wade out nearly a third of a mile and still be dry above the knees. Shoals of sand rise like islands from the water, empty but for the clams exhaling air holes at your feet.

I reached this stretch just as the tide began to pull back in. The shoals were shrinking, tidal pools draining into the murkier sea. Out on one of the sandbars, a man photographed a woman as she charged repeatedly at a group of piping plovers, scattering them like confetti, then retreating so they’d return. I walked the rippled flats alone, letting the grooves of the sand exfoliate the skin of my soles. The water no longer felt glacial. It felt perfect.

I turned and began walking back toward the main beach—toward the crowds, the lifeguards, Mr. P. As the water reached my knees, I stepped onto a vanishing shoal to slip off the army-green J.Crew shorts I’d modestly worn over my swimsuit. Soon the tide kissed my waist. The ocean gathered strength. I lengthened my stride, enjoying the renewed resistance against my legs. I’d left the shoals and flats behind and entered the ocean proper.

And then the bottom dropped out.

I dropped the shorts and started swimming backstroke, hard. Within seconds, my feet found the bottom again—thigh-high water, safety. Two fishermen on the shore watched me wade back toward the beach, toward the lifeguards, toward Mr. P. From the way they looked at me, I knew they’d seen me flailing. They’d been debating whether they needed to dive in.

But I didn’t need rescuing.

I just needed the nerve to let my shorts get wet.

[Below is a picture at Crane Beach from October 2007, taken by Mr. P at low tide. The rippled sand flats are visible beneath the horse.]

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Posted in Massachusetts.

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Tour de Farce

The 2008 Tour de France is well underway, but that and a baguette will get you a mouthful of bread. After some years of fledgling American interest in the Tour due to Lance Armstrong and Floyd Landis, this year’s Tour de France has kindled about as much notice as an African civil war.

It all comes down to doping, an unsavory topic that dominates most of the Tour’s media coverage. Fans are turned off by the suspicion that most top cyclists are using performance-enhancing drugs, and the Tour’s credibility suffered a severe blow when last year’s winner Floyd Landis forfeited his title after testing positive for synthetic testosterone. Many other renowned cyclists have been forced to sit out of this year’s Tour due to previous doping violations. Though this year’s crop of riders pinky-sweared to race dope-free and restore the sport’s credibility, already there have been 4 riders thrown out for “doping practices”.

Mr. Pinault has long contended that all top cyclists (including Lance Armstrong) must be doping… except the French ones. He points out how a French rider won an early stage this year, but then quickly fell back in the rankings. If a cyclist races like hell one day, how can they repeat the performance day in, day out, for 21 punishing stages and 2211 miles, without doping?

I’m not as cynical, or else I’m more naive. I like to think that Lance Armstrong accomplished his feats because he is superhuman. I like to think that Floyd Landis, that nice Mennonite boy from Lancaster, was the victim of a witchhunt. But I also know that people who reach the pinnacle of their profession are highly competitive and not likely to pass up on any advantage, however ethically dubious it may be. Doping will continue to haunt the Tour de France, as it does most major sports competitions, and it is left to the fans to sort through all the gruff to find their heroes and their inspirations.

Posted in In the News.

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Movie Review — The Dark Knight

My age, intellectual endeavors, and general disdain for popular culture would seem to make me impervious to Hollywood crushes. But ever since I saw American Psycho, I’ve had this thing for Christian Bale. It’s a cerebral attraction, I assure you: I think he’s really hot.

So I’ve been looking forward to seeing Bale’s second turn as Batman in The Dark Knight, and he didn’t disappoint. Granted, it’s kind of hard to see Bale’s face when its covered by that pesky bat mask, but I enjoyed watching his mouth as it trash-talked villains, rough-talked politicians, and sweet-talked Maggie Gyllenhaal. Bale’s suave, cool, slightly priggish good looks are in full bloom as Bruce Wayne, and all I can do to quell my inner swooning is touch my engagement ring and think faithful thoughts.

Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome Knight is not the star of the show, it’s the late Heath Ledger, whose much-hyped performance as The Joker is generating posthumous Oscar buzz. Honestly, though Ledger’s dark and creepy Joker is a welcome departure from Jack Nicholson’s jovial and innocuous interpretation, it just didn’t scream “Give that man an Oscar!” to me. I say, give it to Christian Bale instead!

As far an action movies go, the Dark Knight is riveting, if only because the pace is so fast that one moment of lapsed concentration could cause 10 subsequent minutes of confusion. I know that mass market movie-goers like fast paced movies, especially if each scene is punctuated by an explosion, gun fire, or a car chase, but I had a hard time keeping up. Adding to my confusion was that a surprising amount of dialogue was drowned out by background music or sound effects. Plus, as previously mentioned, Christian Bale’s mouth is fitfully distracting.

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No one’s reading this… which is okay, because no one’s writing this

It’s summer. We’re in the thick of hot and humid laziness, the kind that makes me want to curl up under a shady tree in the grass on the banks of the Charles River and watch the insane joggers stumble past… or flop down under an umbrella on the white sands of a North Shore beach and pretend the waves are breaking above ankle-height… or position my open mouth under the dispensing valve of a vanilla soft-serve machine, to suckle on soft-serve until my brain is frozen into a stooped monolith, rendering the need for self-cooling through bodily perspiration unnecessary.

Posted in Existence.

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The Strategic Petroleum Federal Reserve

It’s the height of tourist season in Boston, and the streets are crowded with comfortably-dressed and sensibly-shod sightseers, every last one of them toting a camera with which to digitally preserve the thrills, the excitement, the experience… of Boston!

“Excuse us, can you take our picture?” asks a burly man in a T-shirt and jean shorts, motioning to a thick-backed woman fussing over a baby carriage while two sub-10 year old boys swing around their gangly limbs nearby.

“Of course,” I say, taking the proffered bulky camera. Picture-taking has recently supplanted direction-giving as my #1 Random Tourist Demand, with “Do you know where any Red Sox players live” being a distant #3.

We happen to be standing in front of the Boston Federal Reserve, a very distinctive, immense 33-story building. “Do you want the building in the picture?” I ask, as the family huddles together, the father barking at his sons to stand still.

“Sure,” the father calls, and I step backward to get the Federal Reserve as a backdrop. The parents smile widely while the two boys stare grimly and the toddler in the carriage begins to cry. Snap.

“I think that looks good,” I say as I walk over to hand back the camera.

“Thanks,” he says. His wife tends to the child while the two boys, evidently annoyed by being immobile for ten seconds, begin hitting each other. I’m about to walk away when he asks, “Say, what building is this?”

“That’s the Boston branch of the Federal Reserve,” I say, injecting a hint of mock-reverance in my voice.

“Oh, wow” he says. “They’re the guys who manage the oil, right?”

I pretend not to hear, smile, half-wave, walk away.

Posted in Massachusetts.

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Ancient Music for Ancient People

The record label Sub Pop, most notable for kick-starting the grunge movement of the 1990s, celebrated its 20th anniversary this past weekend with a music festival in Seattle. Unleash the nostalgia!

Wow, Sub Pop is 20 years old! That makes me feel… surprisingly young. I mean, I was only 12 when they released Nirvana’s Bleach in 1989. Frankly, I was oblivious to Nirvana and all the Seattle grunge until 1991, “the year punk broke.” And after it did, I was way more into record labels like SST, Fat Wreck Chords, K, Kill Rock Stars, and Epitaph. Grunge sort of bored me: Buncha guys with loud wailing guitars and local wailing angst-ridden vocals.

Even more damning, grunge was commercially successful and listened to by the same jocks and preps that sneered “freaks” to me and my friends. I remember my sophomore year semi-formal when they played “Smells like Teen Spirit.” Everyone got in a circle, dutifully imitating the mosh pits that they saw on MTV, while I sulked, outraged that anyone would portend to mosh in the school cafeteria. A few boys ran out into the middle of the circle, flailing around in their dress shirts and pants, but no serious contact was made under the watchful eyes of teachers. It was the last school dance I ever went to.

Meanwhile, I spent just about every Saturday night at the dance club Breakers in Malvern, PA, where grunge was played sparingly because, well, who wants to dance to grunge? Grunge wasn’t cool, anyway. The radio and MTV was filled with grunge. Breakers was for the punks, goths, ravers, and assorted hybrids, with a smattering of hard core/straight edge guys and ska fans. To go into Breakers wearing a flannel shirt and stonewashed blue jeans would be like social suicide.

So virulent was the contempt for “alternative” mainstream music that when Kurt Cobain shot himself, I totally respected him for it. I thought he realized what a hypocrite he became, how he was the biggest sell-out in the history of rock and roll and decided to kill himself almost as an act of honor. Typical screw-up teenager romanticism. I couldn’t fathom the demons that haunted and tortured Cobain, like depression, drug addiction, and Courtney Love.

Back to 2008: I was kinda surprised that Sub Pop is still around and releasing new music of bands that I’ve actually heard of. None of them seem very grunge. Like Wolf Parade features a sort of jazzy piano, while the Ruby Suns are World Music hippies. But even Sub Pop’s musical tastes must evolve with the times.

Posted in Nostalgia.

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In which my CVS Receipt Makes a Bold Proposition

Every time I go to CVS, the cashier hands me a 3-foot long receipt consisting mostly of coupons specially generated to tintillate the raging thrifty consumer within, based on a profile that CVS has compiled from my purchases while using the CVS discount card. Since I chiefly go to CVS to buy Altoids, deodorant, shaving ravors, and other personal hygeine products that have no adequate organic substitutes, the CVS coupons that I am issued indicate that I’ve been pegged as a candy addict with a keen interest in an wide array of depilatories.

Then, about nine months ago, all my CVS receipts began to include a coupon for alli, an FDA-approved over-the-counter weight loss drug from Glaxosmithkline. Great, some CVS database pegged me the perfect candidate for a diet drug that is upfront about causing “gas with oily spotting, loose stools, and more frequent stools that may be hard to control”. As alli’s literature makes painfully clear, that’s not a side effect, that’s a “treatment effect,” meaning that is what is supposed to happen when you take alli. Think about it! A respected pharmaceutical company, staking millions of dollars in R&D, marketing, and advertising on a diet drug that causes the user to shit out excess dietary fat before they can digest it, in an unpredictable, leaky, frequent and oily sort of way!

As has been recently reported, Glaxo has sold about 4 million alli kits in the first year, and hopes to grow the diet drug’s sales to 5 or 6 million a year, a goal that is dependent on repeat buyers. So maybe that explains the permanent presence of the alli coupon on my CVS receipt. A classic marketing ploy to get consumers hooked… on a pill that makes them shit undigested fat.

I imagine that when the fine folks at Glaxo were crafting the horrific verbiage that describes how the drug works, someone sensed what a catastrophically ill-conceived idea alli was. I mean, how you could advise your prospective customers “Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it’s probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work” and think, “We got a blockbuster diet drug here!”

I do admire how the alli product literature says that these unpleasant “treatment effects” will help to reinforce healthy eating habits. I guess it only takes one alli-managed pizza and ice cream binge to sear an avoidance of fatty foods into one’s consciousness.

Posted in Americana.

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