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Frenchified

I am making steadfast progress on my commitment to learn the French language.

Every day, I immerse myself in French-language podcasts while walking to and fro the subway. My favorite is the Dailyfrenchpod, which features an unfailingly cheerful French man named Louis who presents a 3-7 minute French lesson. The scope of the Dailyfrenchpod can range from a single word (“Le mot de jour”) to a scripted conversation between two rapid-speaking French natives.

I am picking up some unlikely slang words from Louis: “Le mot du jour est connasse… connasse… co-nass-uh… En anglais, bitch. Par exemple, c’est une connasse. She’s a bitch.” Apparently, Louis can have really bad days.

Once a week, I go to a local French conversation class for beginners of varying degrees of proficiency. I floundered for the first two classes, unaccustomed to having to produce French on-the-fly and without the aid of a textbook, but I’m beginning to find my stride. The teacher encourages us to “Frenchify” words if we’re stuck, a tactic that works — imaginez ma surprise.

The weekly pressure of “performing” in front a classroom of strangers is motivating me to try out my French at home. Pity my poor husband, who waits patiently as I struggle through spellbinding homilies like: “Aujourd’hui, j’ai vu un chat. Il est un mignon chat. Je voulais toucher le chat, mais non. Le chat regardait les oiseaux.” (Today I saw a cat. It is a cute cat. I wanted to touch the cat, but no. The cat was looking at the birds.)

Just saying that is intellectually exhausting. Luckily, the novelty of hearing me speak French seems to be compensating for the feebleness of my repertoire. Most of the time. Today we passed an accident scene attended by police cruisers and tow trucks. “Beaucoup de lumieres!” I exclaimed, and Mr. P laughed. “It’s like you suddenly turn into a 2-year child. ‘Lots of lights!'”

A 2-year old child!? That’s progress!

Posted in Existence.

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The Proverbial, Nonverbal Headless Chicken

Today I spent 9 hours generating massive PDFs from even-more massive Microsoft Word files. At first I attempted to do some web browsing while Acrobat churned away, but my puny laptop refused to walk and chew gum at the same time. So I sat and stared at the whirly Acrobat icon, contemplating life, love, and lunch.

It looked like such a nice day outside, with crystal blue skies and a strong sun. At lunchtime the streets were packed with people who had also looked out their office windows and decided to go for a walk to enjoy the nice weather. But you can’t see the cold bitter wind coming off of the harbor. Worse, you can’t make the wind stop. You can only shiver in your light spring jacket and long for better weather.

When the last of the PDFs finished generating, I wanted to smash something in triumph. Instead, I drank a hot chocolate and went to Boston.com, to look at pictures of a woman who was killed Tuesday night in a posh Boston hotel. She had advertised herself as a masseuse on Craigslist. She was just doing her job. We’re all just doing our jobs, if we have them.

Then I left the office and ventured back out into the cool sunshine. The wind whipped my hair around and it became stuck in my lip gloss. The sounds of the cars bother me — the roar of the trucks’ engines, the screech of the buses’ brakes. An ambulance trudges through the gridlocked traffic, sirens blaring. It bothers me like the wind bothers me, like the dead masseuse bothers me, because I can only shiver in my light spring jacket and long for salvation.

Posted in The 9 to 5.

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Would you rather be a Mormon or a Scientologist?

Point #1: Mormons believe that an angel named Moroni lead Joseph Smith to a stack of golden plates that contained the basis for their beliefs, which Smith translated and then returned to Moroni. Scientologists believe that humankind originated in outer space and were sent to Earth to solve an overpopulation problem, which we know thanks to the research of a science fiction author named L. Ron Hubbard.

Point #2: Scientology is more expensive than Mormonism, with people spending reportedly $400,000 to reach the highest spiritual level. Mormons have to live in Utah.

Point #3: Scientology seems to be more accepting of anti-social behavior such as drinking and smoking, while Mormonism seems to be slightly more accepting of mixing with non-believers and partaking of popular culture.

Point #4: Famous Scientologists include Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Juliette Lewis, and Kirstie Alley. Famous Mormons include Mitt Romney, Wilford Brimley, and the Osmonds.

All things considered, I’d rather be… Mormon (shudder). Join me next time, when I decide if I’d rather be dead or Catholic.

Posted in Americana.

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Random Memory Jarred by “Gimme Shelter” on iPod Shuffle

In college I was sitting around with some friends in a smoky dorm room, and someone threw out the general question, “Were your parents into the Beatles or into the Rolling Stones?”

The responses were evenly divided, but those who said “The Stones!” had wilder temperament than those who said “The Beatles.” Which makes sense, for surely a childhood of Exile on Main Street is more corrupting than one of Yellow Submarine.

I kept silent as everyone else enthused about their parents’ devotion to Mick or John, but soon someone called on me to answer.

“I don’t think they were that into either,” I said, mentally flipping through the stack of old records kept in our living room. “Certainly not the Stones. Maybe they had a Beatles album. I think they were more into folk like Simon and Garfunkel, the Mamas and the Papas, the Turtles…”

“The Turtles?!?” everyone screeched. Someone tousled my green hair, flicked my nose ring, lit my cigarette. “And look how you turned out.”

Posted in Nostalgia.

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Monkey Face

Last night, in a rare act of mental submissiveness, I flipped on the television. We had spent all Easter day eating and socializing, and it seemed cruel to subject my brain to French-language exercises. So I settled on the couch and looked in vain for the annual broadcast of the Ten Commandments. I remember watching the Ten Commandments when I was young, memories that cannot quite be classified as fond but are certainly vivid. “Those who will not live by the law…shall die by the law!” Cut to commercial.

Instead, PBS was broadcasting Suspicion, a 1941 Alfred Hitchock movie. It starred Cary Grant as a gold-digging gambling playboy who charms Joan Fontaine into defying her family and marrying him. But does he love her… or her father’s money? Right off the bat, Cary is upset that her father isn’t supporting the lavish lifestyle that he has imagined for them. And as the extent of his money woes becomes apparent to Joan, she begins to have… suspicions.

“Those who will not get a real job… shall kill their wives for the insurance money!” Like Joan, the audience is convinced that Cary will kill her. For me, the clincher was that Cary’s pet name for Joan is “Monkey Face.” In climax of the movie, Cary is driving them wildly along a coastal road when Joan’s car door opens. She screams. Cary reaches for her, seemingly to push her out. Instead, he closes the door and stops the car. Joan confronts Cary, and he has a pat explanation for his actions that make all those suspicions seem crazy and paranoid. Joan suddenly realizes that her husband isn’t a murderer… he’s the best husband in the world! (Ladies, aren’t they all either one or the other?)

Wikipedia says, “Suspicion is one of the famous examples where, in the process of rewriting the novel for the big screen, the plot was tampered with… Suspicion was supposed to be the study of a murder as seen through the eyes of the eventual victim. However, because Cary Grant was to be the killer and Joan Fontaine the person killed, the studio – RKO – decreed a different ending, which Hitchcock supplied and then spent the rest of his life complaining about.”

The ending of Suspicion displeased me on so many levels. First of all, it deprived the audience of the Hitchcockian moneyshot: when suave Cary Grant transforms into a menacing murderer! Second, it carried a subtle male chaunvinstic message (Ladies, your husband’s faults are all in your head). And third, it precluded Hitchcock from filming a sequel called Monkey Face’s Revenge.

Posted in Review.

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Zombies

I avoid reading “news” stories involving famous people who are connected to the entertainment industry. I mean, it’s not enough that these sensationalized celebrities command our attention through their tasteless, formulaic pop culture endeavors, but it takes some fucking cheek to demand even more of our time with articles about their debased lifestyles and photo spreads of their wanton frippery. 

There’s a quote about how women should not aspire to have an epitaph that says “She kept a clean house.” Well, I don’t want an epitaph that says “She knew everything about Brad and Angelina.”

Yet… as I scanned the front page of CNN.com, I couldn’t resist clicking the headline “Woody Harrelson claims he mistook photographer for zombie.” And what guilty pleasure surged when I read Woody’s official statement regarding his assault of a TMZ photographer:

“I wrapped a movie called ‘Zombieland,’ in which I was constantly under assault by zombies, then flew to New York, still very much in character. With my daughter at the airport I was startled by a paparazzo, who I quite understandably mistook for a zombie.”

“Quite understandably.” Interesting grammar fact: When two adverbs are stacked right against each other like that, everything that follows is negated. Like “I really absolutely cannot make it to work today” means “I just don’t feel like going to work today.” And “I usually always recycle” means “I recycle when it’s inconvenient not to recycle.” So, when Woody says “I was startled by a paparazzo, who I quite understandably mistook for a zombie,” he is saying “I was startled by a paparazzo who I wanted to pummel with my fist.”

It’s a good thing nobody startled Mr. Harrelson after he filmed Natural Born Killers.

Posted in In the News.

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Cosi’s Edamame Wasabi Salad

Cosi is offering a new limited-time salad called the Edamame Wasabi. Ingredients: Mixed greens, edamame, red onions, radishes, baby corn, scallions, and wasabi dressing (sort of like diluted Chinese hot mustard with a hint of sugar).

The Edamame Wasabi salad is a bold assemblage of ingredients even for an upscale fast food establishment like Cosi. While the offering may intrigue, say, a fitness junky customer who is looking to fuel his upper/downer regime of spinning and yoga classes, it holds little appeal to the average Cosi goer who may be health-minded enough to order a salad but also desires little rewards — a handful of croutons, a smattering of cheese — to see him through the rest of the working day without being tempted to eat his weight in soy nuts. 

Add to this that the salad is a veritable fusion of nose-scorching flavors that make even a stout breath quiver. Bitter radishes. Piquant wasabi. Two types of raw onions. Nobody who plans on talking to anyone else for the rest of the day should dare to eat the Edamame Wasabi salad without a full tin of Altoids on hand. 

The salad’s major weakness is the baby corn. While I understand the Oriental concept that Cosi is going for, and appreciate that they didn’t resort to deep-fried crispy Asian noodles to complete the motif, the flaccid baby corn does not adequately assuage the strong tastes of its salad brethren. Roasted red peppers, cucumbers, or shards of watermelon would have worked better.

Still, this is a good ensemble of salad, healthy and filling. Eating roughly 1/2 cup of sliced radishes with lunch will pretty much preclude any urge to eat again well into late evening. Except Altoids, of course. I just couldn’t get enough Altoids.

Posted in Review.

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4 Wheels Good, 2 Wheels Better

Yesterday General Motors announced that it had teamed up with Segway to develop a battery-powered, partially-enclosed, two-seat, two-wheeled scooter (here). The two companies unveiled a prototype of what they call Project PUMA (for Personal Urban Mobility and Accessibility) and what the rest of the world will call Dorkmobiles.

puma

Seriously, just look at it. I love how the pedestrians are staring at the PUMA with the same inscrutable expressions with which people stare at Segways. It’s a look with a mixture of what-the-hell, oh-my-god, whatever, like-whatever, and woah-nelly.

GM’s VP of R&D contends that the PUMA, which will reach speeds of up to 35 mph, will not need special safety features (like airbags or those helmets that make Segways even dorkier) because the PUMA will “automatically avoid obstacles such as pedestrians and other cars.” No word on whether Hummers and Chevy Silverados will be designed to automatically avoid all these little glorified golf carts that will be zipping around totally out of their elevated range of vision. 

When I read the PUMA announcement, I flashed back to 2001, when the media was buzzing about a mysterious new invention set to be unveiled by inventor Dean Kamen that would reportedly transform personal transportation forever. Kamen claimed that his invention “will be to the car what the car was to the horse and buggy.” People were excited. Was it a hydrogen car? A hover car? A teleportation device a la Star Trek? No. It was the Segway. Sigh. 

Initially I thought that the PUMA is a feel-good bid from GM to show that they’ve reformed their Earth-evil gas-guzzling ways and curry some favor from the Obama Administration (aka ‘boss’), but it turns out the partnership began in 2007, before GM’s woes became our woes. Which leads me to believe that there’s something inherently bad about the whole idea. 

And then I realized what it is. There’s already a two-wheeled vehicle that city-dwellers can use for short trips around town, and it doesn’t require lithion-ion batteries, gyroscopes, or 600 pounds of encasement. It’s called a bicycle.

Posted in In the News, migrated.

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Poetry, Pillows, and Peculiar Performances in Cambridge

Last night, I attended a poetry reading in Cambridge featuring none other than the illustrious former Poet Laureate Robert Pinsky. Among the highlights was his reading of Stephen Dobyns’ poem Tomatoes. Pinsky recounted how he first performed this piece at a poetry outreach event in Iowa, where then-Governor Tom Vilsack—now the U.S. Secretary of Agriculture—was slated to read it but had to leave prematurely.

According to Pinsky, Vilsack later emailed him, saying the poem reminded him of his mother, who, as described by her grandson, had “big pillows.” Somehow, this anecdote managed to hover on the edge of political disaster while still endearing itself to the poetry-loving liberals of Cambridge. The room, predictably, ate it up.

The night had no shortage of memorable moments. Tom Magliozzi of Car Talk fame delivered a dirty limerick about nuts and bolts that I’m sure made even the workshop-savvy blush. Michael Holley brought the house down with his reading of Lucille Clifton’s Homage to My Hips, and Bill Littlefield charmed us all with Ogden Nash’s Columbus.

But the pièce de résistance? Steven Pinker, the genius cognitive scientist, reading poetry in a tone so meticulously dull and precise that it could have been mistaken for an algorithm trying to emulate human emotion. The contrast between the words and the delivery was almost poetic in itself.

Tomatoes

– by Stephen Dobyns –

A woman travels to Brazil for plastic

surgery and a face-lift. She is sixty

and has the usual desire to stay pretty.

Once she is healed, she takes her new face

out on the streets of Rio. A young man

with a gun wants her money. Bang, she’s dead.

The body is shipped back to New York,

but in the morgue there is a mix-up. The son

is sent for. He is told that his mother

is one of these ten different women.

Each has been shot. Such is modern life.

He studies them all but can’t find her.

With her new face, she has become a stranger.

Maybe it’s this one, maybe it’s that one.

He looks at their breasts. Which ones nursed him?

He presses their hands to his cheek.

Which ones consoled him? He even tries

climbing onto their laps to see which

feels most familiar but the coroner stops him.

Well, says the coroner, which is your mother?

They all are, says the young man, let me

take them as a package. The coroner hesitates,

then agrees. Actually, it solved a lot of problems.

The young man has the ten women shipped home,

then cremates them all together. You’ve seen

how some people have a little urn on the mantel?

This man has a huge silver garbage can.

In the spring, he drags the garbage can

out to the garden and begins working the teeth,

the ash, the bits of bone into the soil.

Then he plants tomatoes. His mother loved tomatoes.

They grow straight from seed, so fast and big

that the young man is amazed. He takes the first

ten into the kitchen. In their roundness,

he sees his motherís breasts. In their smoothness

he finds the consoling touch of her hands.

Mother, mother, he cries, and flings himself

on the tomatoes. Forget about the knife, the fork,

the pinch of salt. Try to imagine the filial

starvation, think of his ravenous kisses.

Posted in Culture.

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Naked Fruits and Vegetables

This weekend I learned how to blanch almonds. Yes, it was a pretty crazy fucking weekend.

Blanching almonds is surprisingly easy. I had always assumed that the removal of an almond’s brown outer skin was the end result of an intricate industrial process involving conveyor belts, bevel gears, liquid vats, machine tools, and possibly radiation.

But no. It turns out that the almond skin slips right off the nut if you submerge it in boiling water for a minute. Luckily, almonds do not have vocal cords, so you cannot hear their anguished death screams.

I felt rather top-chef when I pointed out to Mr. P that the chopped almonds mixed in our green beans had been blanched. “It’s better for the digestion,” I added.

He may have looked indifferent, but I knew that he was inwardly ecstatic. Like all French, Mr. P is obsessed with removing the skin from as many fruits and vegetables as feasible. Zucchini, carrots, asparagus, potatoes, pears, peaches, cucumbers, apples, and even tomatoes are just some of the produce that they prefer naked. (They also have an abhorrence of orange pith, but that’s another story.)

I learned of this habit 4 years ago during my first trip to France, when my beau-mere handed out whole peaches for a dessert. I took a big-ass American bite out of my peach, looked up and realized that everyone else was carving off the peach skin with their knife and fork. It was an exquisitely bizarre social moment.

“What was up with that?” I asked at breakfast the next morning. “You looked like a bunch of fruit surgeons.”

“The skin on a peach is unclean,” Mr. P claimed. “We don’t want to eat the dirt, bacteria, bugs, and pesticides.”

“So why didn’t you peel those grapes that you’re eating?” I asked. “Or berries, or lettuce, or, um, mushrooms?”

He looked at me, confused. “Mushrooms and lettuce don’t have skins.”

Initially I rallied against my husband’s rampant peeling, not only because the skins contain a lot of vitamins and minerals, but also because I’m lazy. Then I found it odd that French people were suddenly worried about cleanliness. I mean, I once took a tour of a French cheese farm, and there were dogs peering into the cheese vat, and no one seemed particularly alarmed.

Posted in Existence, migrated.

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