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Don’t Ask, Tell, or Let the Souffle Fall

On Monday, President Obama announced current US solicitor general Elena Kagan as his pick to replace retiring Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens (here), setting off the usual storm of partisan commentary that rages whenever Obama does anything more substantive than play a game of basketball. And as the media debates whether Kagan is an activist elitist liberal academic radical or a cautious centrist pragmatist, secondary prurient speculation seethes about Kagan’s sexuality — perhaps as a proxy wrangle for Kagan’s rather obscure judicial opinions. Kagan may have a thin paper trail, but she’s 50, unmarried, opposed Don’t Ask Don’t Tell as “a moral injustice in the first order” (here), and damningly has played softball as an adult (“I fully expect the White House to push back and claim Kagan never played softball and that it’s a smear to insinuate she did,” said Chris Barron, founder of the conservative gay group GOProud, here). And of course, there’s Kagan’s hair, which in some pictures appears to be the practical career-woman crop and in other pictures looks like an earnest dyke haircut.

But the impact of Kagan’s sexuality on her performance as a Supreme Court Justice is neither here nor there; since the media is grasping at straws to prove sapphic tendencies, it’s obvious that Kagan has kept her private life — whether homo-, hetero-, or asexual — firmly private. Clarence Thomas had a proclivity for  inter-office improprieties, yet he’s ruled consistently like the conservative nut we knew he’d be back when he was nominated.

Meanwhile, as bloggers painstakingly analyze Kagan’s fashion choices for clues (pearl necklaces=straight, bulky blazers=gay), another member of the Obama Administration totally outed himself in today’s New York Times… in the Dining Section. Yes, White House Pastry Chef Bill Yosses is gay (here): “A gay chef is no longer news, but it is still rare for those who work in the White House to speak publicly about being gay.”

The fact that there’s a gay man working in the White House kitchen is a potential powder keg of controversy for Obama. Nevermind that Yosses was appointed pastry chef by Laura Bush in 2007, it is Michelle Obama who continues to knowingly allow a homosexual to be in charge of the White House desserts. Not only is the stomach a direct route to a man’s heart, it’s also a pathway into his brain. What better way for the gays to infilitrate and influence the policies of this government than through puff pastry and tiramisu? No wonder Obama’s appointing a lesbian to the Supreme Court… he’s been eating gay cheesecake.

Posted in In the News.

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Sunday Salutations

Mostly-crappy weekend weather had me taking multiple trips to the yoga studio to milk my $50 unlimited month-long membership before it expires. I’ve attended 8 classes so far, meaning I’ve definitely gotten my money’s worth since the going per-class rate in the Boston area is $14-17. But I’ll pass on the $105 monthly membership because driving to this Davis Square yoga studio has become the bane of my existence. For now, I’ll continue to poach introductory “new student” offers at area studios — hopefully ones with better parking.

On Sunday, I wasn’t the only person looking for a sheltered place to do Sun Salutations. The 9:30am class was already packed by 9:15am. Three times I moved my mat to eek out a few inches of free space so someone could unfurl her mat. I felt very un-Zen for irkly noting that the front of my mat was centimeters away from the back of a mat upon which a tall, hairy man in baggy gym shorts fought to touch his knees. I know I’m progressing in yoga because it wasn’t the prospect of catching glimpses of his fleshy, woolly body parts that bothered me — I’m so focused on my body and my breath that I hardly notice my classmates. Unless, of course, I get kicked in the head during three-legged dog pose.

I don’t get distracted during class, but before class, I totally check out my fellow yogis. My stealthy gaping probably stems from my own cluelessness about how to occupy myself before the instructor takes command. Many people lay down on their mats with their legs either in bound angle pose or full-out savanasa, but I can’t bring myself to do this when my morning energy is jangling like a slot machine. Some people are stretching or even doing pose sequences, which is sort of like snacking on bacon before a roast ham dinner.

I can’t help but to assign some meaning to a person’s choosen pre-class activity: What does it say about you and what you’re looking to get out of the yoga experience? Are you gung-ho about flexibility and muscle tone? Or is yoga your time to redress stress? Once I sat kitty-corner to a woman who was taking advantage of being barefoot and idle by peeling dead skin off the ball of her foot with a serene, blissed out look on her face. Obviously, her mind was on a higher plane.

This may well be my last class at the fancy Davis Square yoga studio. I sit cross-legged, my spine drinking in one last slouch, my palms planted behind my hips. I watch the women tip-toeing around the studio, looking for vacancies.

Posted in Existence.

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The Toilet Toiled

Today our landlord Sasha installed a new toilet in our apartment. A few weeks ago, Mr. P had mentioned to him that our former toilet required near-daily plunging to deal with clogs resulting from wholly normal toilet usage. “And so he said we’re getting a new toilet,” Mr. P told me.

“Huh,” I said. In our two years of living here, we’ve never complained about anything; I hadn’t realized that Sasha was so attentive. “Next time you talk to him, could you mention that the refrigerator makes excessive humming sounds? And the stair runners are starting to fray at the edges? And I have to pull down the shades two or three times before they stay down?”

The truth is, Sasha is the most fabulous landlord I’ve ever had. His vigilant maintenance has made our apartment extremely livable. Our rent is dirt cheap and, after the initial year-long lease ended, we enjoy a friendly month-to-month agreement. He supported our efforts to start a vegetable garden in the backyard by allowing us to turn a huge swath of grass into a patch of dirt. Most of my previous landlords have been greedy, neglectful misers who think of their apartment solely as a cash-generating investment. Sasha, however, bears consideration to the fact that his rental property is also someone’s home.

Sasha is an immigrant from Croatia in his 70s who works as a carpenter (non-retired) and speaks rough English. When we initially rented the apartment, we dealt with Sasha’s son, who placed an ad on Craigslist and probably feared that his father would succumb to internet scum. The apartment was vacant when we looked at it; Sasha undertook extensive upgrades after the previous tenants moved out, replacing the floors and installing new windows. His son was eager to get new people to move in. “The longer the place stays empty, the more work my dad’s going to do on it,” he told us. “It just has to end.”

So I can understand why Sasha suddenly jumped on the idea of a new toilet; our complaint about the constant clogs gave him a reason to complete another property upgrade. Our old toilet was one of those 5-gallon toilets that I think the government made illegal because it so flagrantly consumed water. When flushed, it would sustain an endless swirl as water poured into the bowl, swelling to an alarming height before abating with a cranky gurgle. This toilet really toiled.

Still, one can grow accustomed to a commode, and I felt sort of sad this morning as I “said goodbye” to the old toilet. We left for the day so Sasha could install the new loo — a process that I wasn’t the least bit curious about — and returned this evening to find a stark-white porcelain potty in our bathroom. After being outside for four hours, I was eager to get acquainted with the new toilet. My initial impression is that though the paucity of water in the bowl made me uncomfortable, it flushes beautifully. We’ll see how it holds up under more vulgar conditions.

The old toilet is sitting outside next to the house (see below), waiting for this week’s trash collection. (This brings to mind another story about a toilet sitting on a lawn, but I’ll save that for another day.)

Goodbye Old Friend

Posted in Existence.

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You Named Your Baby What?

Brie? Like, the French cheese? Pronounced /bree/ and spelled “B-R-I-E”?

No shit. You really named your baby “Brie.” That’s something I’d name a cat. I knew a dog once named Cheddar. I find it endearing to name pets after foodstuffs. People… not so much.

That has got to be one of the most aspirational White Trash baby names of all time. It rivals Crystal, Angel, and Sabrina for that touch of “I’m gonna name my baby something fancy!”

Maybe Brie will meet a guy named Colby Jack at the bowling alley, and they’ll have a bunch of little cracker babies.

Posted in Existence.

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Close Calls

I read today about 4581 Asclepius, which is a small asteroid that came cosmically close to annihilating our planet on March 22, 1989 when it passed though the exact position that Earth had been only six hours earlier (here).

On March 22, 1989, I was twelve years old, absorbed by my own burgeoning teenaged narcissism and oblivious of any threat to the existence of myself, my species, or my habitat. Maybe if I was aware, it would have put my “calamitous” skin complexion in perspective. How particularly tragic to have been obliterated before I experienced any of the truly good things in life —  romantic love, cigarettes, wine, skiing, foie gras, Beethoven, David Lynch, Fugazi, Wallace Stevens: Our bloom is gone. We are the fruit thereof (here).

Life is full of close calls. Earlier this week I came inches from a potentially lethal car accident when I made a right turn out of a gas station. The right lane was empty, but there was a semi truck barreling down the left lane, and he changed lanes just as I pulled out, nearly crushing my little Jetta against a construction wall with his trailer. Had he switched lanes a second earlier… had I pulled out a second earlier… my heart thumped in my chest during the remainder of my commute. A nagging voice urged me to bypass the office and head to a grassy field to sit and savor these fleeting moments of life. I repeat: Our bloom is gone. We are the fruit thereof (here).

Because who knows when the next close call will strike? There are floods, tornados, volcanos, wildfires, earthquakes, landslide, tsunamis, avalanches, and storms. There are famines and epidemics. There is terrorism. There are collapsed blood vessels in the brain and blocked arteries in the heart. There is so much shit that I can’t control, so many ways for a life to perish. In despair, I return now to the good things in life (except for the cigarettes, which tempt close calls). I sit with a glass of red wine, listening to Beethoven’s Ninth as my husband bustles around the apartment looking for his handkerchief. Calm, lovely moments in a universe filled with asteroids and a world filled with tractor trailers.

Posted in Existence.

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Bad Blogger

I routinely violate many of the venerable principles of blogging (find a niche; engage your audience; use simple language; be “useful” and “relevant.”) In fact, just about the only blogging tenements I embrace are militant proofreading and regular posting –and lately my grasp on the latter has been tenuous due to finally having a day job that requires me to spend much of the day, alas, working.

One of the more basic blogging tips is one post=one idea. That is, don’t start out discussing iPads and finish by reviewing the local sushi joint. Sensible, right? Elementary? Duh?

Well, tonight I sat down to make my offering to the blogging gods and all that came out was just dribs and drabs of obtuse observation and irksome introspection. Maybe some day I’ll been able to craft these distinct bulletoids into legitimate blog posts, but for tonight…

  • Perturbation on being stuck in single-lane stop-and-go traffic behind a Hummer H2 with a “Nobama” bumper sticker.
  • How did Greece ever get into the Euro, anyway? I mean, the US isn’t all hot to combine currencies with Mexico purely on the basis of being geographic neighbors.
  • Who wants to hear about my new, slightly sadistic acupuncturist?
  • At last night’s orchestra rehearsal, I glanced at the conductor and saw him pointing at me, yelling “Bitch! Bitch!” It took me a second to realize he was actually gesticulating at the trombones behind me: “Pitch! Pitch!”
  • Garden update: The spinach is growing. The cabbage and kale is growing too, but not as fast as the spinach.
  • Shut up, Facebook.
  • I’ve been hearing a lot about the movie “Iron Man 2.” My poor, confused brain thought that Hollywood was finally releasing a sequel to “Iron Giant,” that wonderfully touching cartoon about a giant iron robot with a heart of gold. What, was Robert Downey Jr., like, the voice of the robot? Life is infinitely perplexing.
  • “Since the house is on fire, let us warm ourselves.” This could only be an Italian proverb.

Posted in Existence.

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Party Like It’s 2007

Today the stock market tanked so badly that we ate an austere dinner of soup and non-organic collard greens. Yet I am confident that the American economy is rebounding because my mailbox is telling a cheerier story: Three credit card offers in one day! I haven’t seen pre-approved action like this since 2007, back when our financial system embraced insolvency and predatory lending as core values.

Credit card offers disappeared from my mailbox soon after Lehman Brothers imploded. At first it was a relief, as if my front stoop had been cleared of noisome drug pushers and I could finally walk freely without being subject to their solicitation. But then, as the full extent of the recession was made clear, I sort of missed them. O for the touch of a vanished hand, and the sound of a voice that is still. Sure, they were a symbol of all that is rotten and evil in capitalism, but they were sort of flattering and comforting. Easy credit, within my reach!

So I am gladdened to see that my mail has come alive with junk, including near-weekly offers from Chase — such a persistent suitor, that Chase. Even if I choose to avail myself of their services, it really wouldn’t be helping the economy. I’m one of those credit nerds who pays off her balance the minute it’s a cent over zero. I refuse to fall victim to usury. One time I decided to take a bank loan solely to improve my credit, but then the thought of all that interest kept me awake at night until I freaked out after three months and paid it all off.

Actually, I guess the fact that I’m receiving credit card offers doesn’t really mean much. Let’s hold off celebrating national prosperity until the unemployed father of four who went through a foreclosure starts receiving credit offers. (Celebrate with one hand, sell all your stocks with the other…)

Posted in Americana.

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Cape Cod Hurrah Hurrah

Cape Cod was calling. Pristine spring Saturdays demand extraordinary diversion, so we took advantage of the low-season traffic and headed to Cape Cod… where the sky is bluer, the birds sing sweeter, the food smells better, and the bicycling seems safer.

Mr. P planned an ambitious cycling excursion on the Cape Cod Rail trail that started in Harwich and continued 16 miles to the terminus in Wellfleet (and then, of course, back). So I dug out my dorky cycling shorts with a formidable sewn-in butt pad, because the last time I cycled 30+ miles in one day with no additional cushion, my crotch was sore for a week. Yes, I know, too much information, but dammit there are lessons to be learned here.

It’s been well over 9 months since I’ve been on a noteworthy bicycle ride, but my mornings at the gym with a spinning bike and the New York Times are paying off. Not only could I sustain a pretty good pace, I could also simultaneously discuss Arizona’s immigration statute with a nuanced, informed viewpoint.

After reaching Wellfleet, we jumped off the path and cycled to a nearby beach. We descended a steep wall of sand to reach the nearly deserted shoreline.

Ah, Cape Cod. In the ocean we spotted dozens of whales and porpoises diving the water. They proved difficult to photograph, so here’s another picture of nice, stationary wood.

We enjoyed a picnic…

And frolicked…

And then hiked back up the cliff (gratuitous butt shot)…

And headed to the bike path for our return trip. Since we were making good time, we decided to take another side trip off of the path to visit the Nauset Light (here), which is one of those old lighthouses that have been relocated to the inland for historical preservation purposes.

Total mileage for the day: 40 miles on mostly flat terrain– probably a record for me, but that’s the sort of personal milestone that Cape Cod was made for…

Posted in Massachusetts.

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Love that Dirty Water…

Um, no.

Boiling water for drinking, cooking, dishwashing, and toothbrushing is a lot more glamorous than it sounds. The Boil Water FAQ says that one minute of a rolling boil is sufficient, but Mr. Pinault is insisting on a minimum of 10 minutes (this is what he learned in the French military). I’m amendable to 10 minutes because the water coming out the facet is yellowish. Actually, the whole thing is a lot like camping. We just have to accept that the hand-washed dishes may carry invisible food particles. We have to make liberal use of hand sanitizer.  We have to wash our faces with pre-moistened washcloths. Tonight we were supposed to meet friends for dinner in Waltham, but we’re going to Natick instead.And we have to live without local restaurants and cafes… because even if Starbucks was serving beverages, would we trust them? Should we ever?

So, life persists without a clean water supply. Perhaps we Bostonians are a little hardier for it.

Posted in Massachusetts.

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Let Them Drink Coke

Yesterday a neighbor and I were discussing how the town of Concord recently voted to ban all sales of bottled water (here) — the first municipality in the United States to take such a drastic stand against the environmental poison that is the Cult of Bottled Water.

She supported the ban 100%. I supported it in spirit, but…

“I just don’t trust tap water,” I admitted. “I feel like there’s all these chemicals in our water system that the government doesn’t want to own up to. And I don’t drink soda or juice, so if I’m out and about, I drink bottled water.”

She smiled understandingly, but inwardly she was probably thinking You enemy of Earth. “I think you can trust the water supply,” she said gently. “I mean, I’ve never heard of someone getting sick from drinking tap water. It just doesn’t happen.”

“And what would happen if there was some sort of emergency and the tap water became unsafe?” I asked. “What would Concord do? Drink soda?”

From there, the conversation turned into a discussion about how New England seems immune to major natural disasters — “knock wood.” It was all inconsequential small talk until today, when my town was put under a boil-water order due to a massive water leak that has over 2 million people in Boston metro relying on a subpar back-up water supply (here). Luckily for the residents of Concord, they still have clean tap water, so they are spared the embarrassment of flocking to adjoining towns to sponge off their bottled water. (And I am spared the guilt of helping to empty my local Whole Foods’ shelf of evil delicious Evian.)

Posted in Massachusetts.

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