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Mount Garfield

The victorious “I climbed a mountain!” photo shoot isn’t quite as impressive with only ten feet of visibility. But rest assured, I am having my internal organs frozen by the brisk summit winds of Mount Garfield, in the Franconia Notch region of the White Mountains of New Hampshire.

Not a good day for expansive views, but a fine day for hiking nonetheless. I’d agree with the guidebook that called Mt. Garfield a notably “pleasant” hike: 10 miles, 5 1/2 hours, 3500 feet trail altitude, and except for the last .2 miles, it’s a steady climb with few obstacles.

Reaching the summit to find the raved-about scenic view engulfed in a heavy mist (visible somewhat in the picture) was a bit disappointing. It had a Lords of the Rings ambience, and I sort of dug eating a sandwich in Middle Earth. Due to the hostile wind chill, I had to grasp my sandwich, like it was a banana. We literally fled the mountain.

Posted in 4000 Footers.

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Bean Heiress: Anti-Camping Renegade

When traveling through northern New England, I am wont to pick up a local newspaper, to enjoy a taste of homebrew rural news that rarely filters down to Boston. Mostly, I end up reading about tragic car and drowning accidents, petty battles in local politics, drug busts in remote areas, factory and industrial plant closings, and spitfire citizens, angry about some road or traffic law that deeply disturbs their way of life.

But this weekend, there was a rare treat: I read about Linda Bean Folkers, granddaughter and heir of the LL Bean fortune, antique collector, and noted supporter of the “most radical and insane right wing causes and politicians” (here).

Linda Bean is embroiled in a dispute with the small town of Weld, Maine over a public road with access to popular camping sites and hiking trails that bisects Folker’s 2200 acres. Folkers demanded that the town gate the road, because her land is abused with “illegal dumping, campfires and motorized wheeled vehicles.” When the citizens of Weld voted 102-0 at a special town meeting to deny Folkers’ insistence, not only did Folkers dismantle a 60-year old camping shelter, she had “several mounds of dirt in front of 6-foot-deep ditches” (here) constructed on a public road.

This is not just any crazy rich person who acts as though they own the world, it’s a woman who’s fortune came mostly from hikers, campers and other outdoor enthusiasts. Shouldn’t she encourage these activities? Shouldn’t she be happy that modern life has not made us all immune to the glory of an escape to nature? Yes, campers and hikers abuse the land… but at least they are using it.

It’s not like anyone’s dumping toxic chemicals in her backyard… this probably affects 1% of her vast land holdings. Rich people have the privilege of being optimists; why not assume most visitors respect the land? When we’re allowed to be slobs and land marauders everywhere else in life, it’s hard to remember to stop when we enter nature. If she’s concerned about illegal dumping, she should do a civic service and fund more rangers and trash removal. Maybe she should start programs to educate people about safe campfires, and how loving nature peacefully can be just as satisfying as ripping it apart with a motorbike. It would be a suitable cause for the granddaughter of LL Bean, an avid outdoors man who made billions from those who share in his passion by buying his overpriced outdoor gear.

Posted in In the News.

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Happy Memorial Day

I can’t really explain why the picture on the right startled me so much when it popped up on the Boston Herald homepage in a riveting Memeorial Day celebration round-up.

It’s cute and I’m glad that they decided against the typical picture of the little eugenic blond girls waving their flags with innocent glee, but just struck me as a very strange picture, I think because it lacks context.

Posted in In the News.

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The Rain in Maine…

… Falls pretty much effing anywhere it wants to.

It did not rain the whole time I was in Maine this weekend, but the skies over the campsite constantly threatened us with gray, balloony clouds right on the cusp of bursting. I awoke this morning to a steady cool rain that stopped and started, as if never quite satisfied with torturing us poor campers.

This magnificent view of the town of Camden, to which I could not do justice with my digital camera due to the haze, was attained with surprising little effort: A one-mile hike that only kicked up my heartbeat four or five times.

One cannot sufficiently celebrate a birthday with campfire cooking, so I dined on a delicious Maine lobster with lemon butter, about which I cannot rave enough without sounding like an exuberant foodie.

The only disappointment at Camden Hills State Park was the Multi-Use Trail, touted as suitable for bicycles and horses. It was so rocky and swampy, with six-foot wide water crossings, that I think even taking a horse would be a bit difficult, let alone a cheap mountain bike navigated by a pavement-spoiled scaredy-cat.

Posted in Existence, Trips.

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The Vacationer

It wasn’t hard to duck out of the office after lunch. He fired off three superfluous emails to his various superiors that he wrote that morning to prove his presense in the office until at least 1:15pm. He walked around to scope out all desk jockeys who remained, hunched over their computers either pecking away dutifully or staring as they scrolled through web pages, none of who would seriously question a middle manager leaving early the Friday before Memorial Day weekend.

Hell, he should get a prize for just showing up.

Julie had called him three times during lunch: 1- I’m leaving to pick up the kids, 2- I picked up the kids, and 3- Are you sure you have your credit card? When he got off the office elevator after finally finishing his turkey sandwich and chips, his phone buzzed with a new message. It was Julie: Hi honey, we hit some traffic on 93 but we’re getting near your exit so we should there soon. He pictured his chubby wife ensconced in the minivan with her eyes glued to hyperactive Tony in the backseat, pissing off drivers with her irritating way of driving in traffic: Peel out, stop suddenly one inch away from the bumper in front of her, wait for the traffic to move up forty feet, repeat.

That’s pretty much what she was doing ten minutes later when he spied the minivan on Congress Street. His casual arm-raise turned into a frantic wave when the minivan didn’t appear to be pulling over for him. The kids screamed “DAD!” when he opened the door, and he forced a big Dad smile even though they were going to annoy him silly for the next three hours. “I saw you,” Julie sighed as she vacated the driver’s seat. “You ready?”

He felt absurdly like saying no and half-meaning it, but instead he almost barked “Yep!” and buckled his seat belt. He pulled out in front of a Lexus SUV and debated in his head which route to take to the highway, trying to decifer the intentions of his fellow commuters. It’s Memorial Day, so everyone’s headed for the Cape. Then again, they could be going home, then going to the Cape. Or headed directly for the North country, like he was. Or the airport. The variables were unknown so he felt safe taking the Mapquest-approved route.

On the highway, speeding along a pretty good clip, his mind tuned out the constant back-and-forth bickering between Julie and the kids. Tony was in fine form, shouting nonsense, cinching little Lila’s seat belt around her waist so she’d squawk, and trying to jump in his seat so his head would hit the ceiling. Julie was volatile. To her, a vacation was a duty, an unpleasant diversion from the regimented household that she worked so hard to maintain. If she could be anywhere, it would be in the kitchen while the kids played video games in the living room, waiting for him to call to be picked up at the train station.

They pulled over at the first rest stop so Tony could use the restroom and Julie could get a coffee. He stayed in the car with Lila, who never talked except when provoked by her brother, and watched four young males loitering around a white Subaru Forrester packed with camping gear. They talked easily to each other, eating fast food and walking around the car with cell phones. They were all muscled and good-looking, young and smiling.

Julie and Tony walked out of the rest stop, and one of the young men gave them a brief glance and then focused on his French Fries, as it to say: Someone else’s problem.

Posted in Miscellany.

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Feeling Great at 28

But I wanna stop right here

Yes, hard to believe another birthday looms this Sunday. As a kid, I never believed the old folks who said this milestone grows significantly insignificant with each year. Rather than feeling happy and celebratory, I am seized by a vague sense of panic. I know what Age means now: A total shift in your priorities from dessert, toys, music, and looking older, to 401K, career, preventative medicine, and holding onto the last vestiges of a youthful appearance. The only constant is an insatiable lust for birthday cake.

You think Christmas babies have it rough, sharing their glory with Jesus Christ? Try Memorial Day weekend sometime. Geesch. I’m leaving town to spend my Special Day in the wilds of Maine, sleeping in a tent and trudging through mud as black flies ravish This Aging Flesh.

Posted in Existence.

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Another Classic Cops Moment

“Stop resisting, Leonard.”
–Wife to husband, as husband struggles with cops who are cuffing him after he admits to hitting her because “she is always, always, always nagging me.”

Posted in Americana.

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Annoying T Ad of the Moment

Picture: An elegant blond, face hidden by sheath of blond hair, seated at a grand-looking restaurant booth

Text: This weekend I’m plotting a coup against practicality and proclaiming myself Duchess of Oysterland.

Advertiser: Mohegan Sun Casino

Posted in Americana.

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Pepsi President: Oh America, Up Yours!

Last week, more savvy blogs were buzzing about PepsiCo president and chief financial officer Indra Nooyi’s US-bashing, Asia-pandering speech at Columbia University’s MBA graduation ceremony. Nooyi compared each of the five major continents to a finger, and guess who was the middle finger?

Since I’m on the subject of soda: While I’m fully aware of how vulgar soda consumption is, I admit to occasionally eschewing my afternoon cup of joe in favor of a refreshing, life-affirming diet soda (that would be the first afternoon cup of joe, not the second one). Diet Coke was my brand, but this year, with Pepsi’s free iTunes song contest, I started purchasing Diet Pepsi.

Not that I won much, and certainly not 1 in every 3 bottles. What an ingenuous marketing ploy for a soda. A contest with a 99 cent prize wouldn’t sway me to buy a different brand of, say, salad dressing, spaghetti sauce, deodorant, or newspaper, but since all soda is equally bad for you and made by equally evil people, at least I have a shot of recouping my nonessential expense.

Strangely, I rapidly developed a liking for Diet Pepsi, and even though Pepsi now offers “Sports Points” instead of iTunes songs, I still reach for the Diet Pepsi. How proud the marketing folks at Pepsi would be! How Coke would resent my lack of cohort brand loyalty!

Posted in In the News.

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Movie Review: Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

A curious psychological phenomenon: The more you anticipate an event, the more pleasure you will convince yourself you had when it happens, even if it actually sucked. For example, let’s suppose Hollywood has seduced you onto pins and needles for an upcoming movie release, and you are all worked up over how cool and wonderful the movie will be, and you plan for days how you will see this much-anticipated movie on its opening day, and it winds up a boring, annoying experience. Your brain will deal with this disappointment by convincing you that it wasn’t that bad.

That, essentially, is what happened with me and Episodes I and II. And having bought tickets to see Episode III in DLP (big screen digital projection!) last Saturday night, knowing full well that going to the movie theatre in the midst of opening weekend madness would be hell, I was praying Lucas gave us something good. And he did. And that’s not the compensatory post-anticipation delusion talking.

This is the only prequel Star Wars that matters. It’s compact, action-driven, and explains a lot of the history behind the original Star Wars. Sure, it had inconsistencies and excesses (did you really need to put Chewbacca in it? I’m surprised we didn’t see the Millennium Falcon whiz by the window that Padme was constantly looking out of), but I thought it was kinda cool.

Though the action and story were excellent, one of the major lackings of the prequels has always been the weak characters to whom no one had childhood emotional bonds. You can’t help but to compare the stiff, prissy Padme to Leia, who was a true female role model. Loopy Luke and hunky Hans were fun characters. Obi-Wan and the Supreme Chancellor Palpatine are not. Only the energetic, kick-ass Yoda’s appeal has increased in the prequels.

No one should need me to give a plot synopsis. But there’s some incredibly powerful stuff. The last half of the movie had me riveted. I didn’t even care that I was sitting in front of a woman who kept making loud, inane remarks: That’s the young Darth Vader! That’s the Death Star! That’s Natalie Portman!

Posted in Review.

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