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The Fundamental Things Apply As Time Goes By

Recently, I’ve been thinking about leaving Bank of America. It’s hard to do, because it’s a comfortable, stable relationship, and Bank of America is always there when I need a few fresh 20s to succor my lonely wallet. But Bank of America’s little habits grate my nerve – the snap-judgment overdraft fees, the bizarre customer service behavior, the creepy megacorp polish of their marketing materials. I can’t help but to fantasize about all the other banks out there, and what they’re like to do banking with.

Then, in today’s mail, I received a letter from Bank of America, informing me that “At 2:00pm, August 17 2007, we will be closing the Amherst Banking Center at 75 E Pleasant Street, Amherst, Massachusetts.”

Why would I, a resident of Natick, care that they’re closing a bank branch over 80 miles away? Because 12 years ago, that Bank of America was a Bay Bank, a bank that I excitedly signed up for as a college freshman. The balance of my savings account was perpetually $4.25, the exact cost of a veggie calzone from DP Dough. I can remember many hungry nights when that $4.25 taunted me with its inability to be withdrawn from an ATM. I was so young and reckless, and so, so poor!

Of course, relationships do change. BayBank became Bank Boston. Bank Boston became FleetBoston. FleetBoston became Bank of America. But even a dizzying series of buyout and mergers can’t erase the history we have together. Somewhere in its megalithic computer system, it remembers that I joined Bay Bank 12 years ago. If that’s not romance, I don’t know what is.

Posted in Nostalgia.

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Chagrinning in Spinning

The Sunday morning spinning class is way more mellow than Saturday morning, which is why I only go if I’m feeling lazy. The instructor is a middle-aged yoga devotee who whispers about elevated heart-rates amid trance techno songs with names like “Blaze of Life” and “Soul Drumming.” The regulars are a tight-knit group of forty-ish moms who regard the instructor as their Alpha.

Last Sunday was the instructor’s birthday, and someone brought in a song to play, a comic spoof that riffed on hot flashes, memory loss, and the other inconvenient facets of female aging. They all found it hilarious. The instructor apologized to the one male in the class for “the surging estrogen in the class this morning.”

“Or lack of estrogen!” a woman called.

I suppose their good-natured acceptance of their gradual croning is admirable, but I don’t buy it. I’m turning 30 in exactly one week, and my sole consolation is that I’m unscathed from the brunt of the physiological pitfalls of aging that the women in my spinning class found so mirthful. All my squibbles are vanities.

Like, about how my general appearance requires more maintenance as my hair loses its youthful gloss and my face melts out of its skeleton. I’m trying to sooth my pride with philosophical platitudes, like: Why care about spreading hips when you’ve got a spreading 401K account? Is it better to have age-acquired wisdom and experience, or look cute in baggy sweat clothes and no make-up? And hey: 30 is 10 long years away from 40.

Posted in Existence.

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The Final House

I didn’t plan on posting a picture of a gravestone. Considering the day was spent on the Framingham Historical Society’s Seventh Annual House Tour, I thought I’d come away with some quaint pictures of a rambling farm house from the 1780s, or a turreted Victorian, or a 20th century Tuscan estate. But whilst inside the fanciful 19th century home with four chimneys and 8-foot ceilings, poor Mr. Pinault was scolded by an elderly lady for attempting to photograph a charming bedside table. She primly noted that “There are no cameras allowed! These are people’s homes! Have you no humanity, young man?”

We stopped at the only non-private residence on the tour, a historic Congregational church from the 1850s. Refreshments were available (catered by Whole Foods, no less.) After snagging a few tarts from the clutches of three dozen greedy biddies, we headed outside to check out the cemetery. Strange, the weather had been rainy and gray all weekend, but the moment we entered the graveyard, the sun bloomed in a clear blue sky. And no one in the graveyard complained when we took pictures.

Posted in Massachusetts.

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So, What’s Your Take on Shags?

The two ‘artists’/guerilla marketers who terrorized Boston last January by littering Aqua Teen Hunger Force electronic advertisements all over the city, and then enraged the public and the media by holding a sophomoric press conference about haircuts in the ’70s (“What was it like to spend the night in jail?” “That’s not a hair question”), are now trying to milk the attention for all its worth before their star power fades completely. The “Today” show doesn’t want them, but today the Boston Globe published the “first extended interview” with the duo, in which they riff about peace and love and the fear-mongering media. The best part of the article was when the reporter mentions that the two artists are close friends who “share a penchant for at-times rambling soliloquies,” hinting that maybe it was better when they refused to talk about anything but hair.

Posted in Massachusetts.

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I’m with Stupid

While brainstorming possible post topics … all my mind can stick to is this dumpy 50-ish woman who I saw today, pacing in front of South Station and bawling “Ok, I’m stupid! Yeah, I’m stupid! I’m stupid!” over and over again into a bulky cell phone held with a clumsy grasp. I was embarrassed to witness her public spectacle amid the flurry of the afternoon rush hour commute, but also fascinated by her banal cotton slacks, stiff plastic raincoat, flat Payless shoes, and wind-tossed perm – the trademarks of an unassuming person who literally lives to avoid drama and scrutiny. Small pauses spaced out each self-proclamation of stupidity. Was she berating herself for forgiveness? Agreeing with her rebuker? Sincere? Sarcastic? Nuts?

I’m obsessively turning her over in my mind, picking her apart, speculating on her situation. Lady, whoever you are, you aren’t stupid. You are a most glorious, pure expression of humanity’s turmoil in a world where so much of reality is scripted, rehearsed, hyped, and performed. You are the diametrical opposite of Jenna Jameson publicly endorsing Hillary Clinton.

Posted in Americana.

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When I Grow Up, I Want to be a War Czar

A few months ago, Bush realized that the whole Iraq and Afghanistan thing was going badly because… no one was managing it! There was no ‘one guy’ who was aligning the goals and philosophies across scores of turf-conscious military and government agencies. Even worse, people were blaming Bush himself, as if Bush were somehow responsible. As if Bush were, like, the Commander-in-Chief who is bound by the US Constitution to manage the wars that he declares. Hell, Bush is just tired of dealing of the whole mess. Hence… a War Czar is born!

After at least three retired four-star generals ran screaming from the proposed position, today it was announced that three-star General Douglas Lute accepted. Bush describes Lt. Gen. Lute as “a tremendously accomplished military leader who understands war and government and knows how to get things done”, which is high praise… if it came from nearly anyone but Bush.

Analysts describe Lute as being “skeptical” of the troop surge and in favor of diplomatic resolution as opposed to military build-up. So Bush scoured the top ranks of the Pentagon, and ended up with a no-name three-star general who doesn’t even agree with him! But it’s a Catch-22, isn’t it? Bush needed someone crazy enough to take the job and support Bush’s vision, but anyone that crazy couldn’t qualify for the job.

Posted in In the News.

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Oy Vey

The Washington Times is reporting that NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg is prepared to spend $1 billion of his fortune on a presidential campaign, should he decide to run. Insiders report that Bloomberg has met with Ross Perot’s “senior people” to discuss the harrowing logistics of the rich guy third-party presidential run. Unfortunately, it cannot involve the late, great Admiral Stockdale as a running mate, but when you’ve got a billion dollars, you can hire a whole army of old men to stand at your side and ask “Who am I? Why am I here?”

The 2008 Presidential Election is on pace for record-breaking fundraising. The candidates are building up their arsenals by glad-handing wealthy contributors, with an occasional whistle-stopping the proles. I saw Mitt Romney on TV last week, eating at a local diner. He looked terrified, forking pie in his stiff mouth while a teased-hair waitress and a dozen cameras looked on. Are Mormons allowed to eat pleasurable foodstuffs like pie, in mixed company, with unclenched bowels?

Even though I voted for him as Governor as Massachusetts, I just don’t see Mitt Romney winning. In fact, I don’t see any of the current crop being wholly embraced by a majority of Americans. Maybe it’s their fault, maybe it’s our fault, but my point is: The more money that is involved, the more catty, corny political advertisements we will be subjected to.

Enter Bloomberg and his rich guy power grab. Welcome to my farcical dystopian nightmare. I have nothing against Bloomberg, but after 8 years of corruption and non-accountability, America needs integrity. We need a candidate who is buoyed to the top by the optimism and confidence of voters, not $1 billion dollars cash. We need… um… is Christopher Walken really running?

Posted in Americana.

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5-Minute Train Poetry

“To the Pedals”
Your blossoms that only yesterday
dazzled my eyes,
piqued my nose, and
yielded silk to my touch
today are strewn on the sidewalk, marred and rotting,
and I have no choice but to trample them.
You would have been better off green:
boring green,
smelling nondescript and
feeling smooth and solid,
Enduring through the summer, ever green,
ever green, ever green.

“To the Pedals”Your blossoms that only yesterdaydazzled my eyes,piqued my nose, andyielded silk to my touchtoday are strewn on the sidewalk, marred and rotting, and I have no choice but to trample them.
You would have been better off green:boring green, smelling nondescript and feeling smooth and solid,Enduring through the summer, ever green,ever green, ever green.

Posted in Existence.

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2 Hours of My Morning

I was awoken this morning at 5:30am by our upstairs neighbor, who has been christened with various nicknames like “Karate Horse” and “Old Elephant Legs,” which evolved into my current favorite, “Stampy.” Our ceiling/his floor has the integrity of a bayou shack.

Normally when I’m up at 5:30am, I’ll go walking or gyming, but yesterday’s mountain hike goaded several stagnant butt and thigh muscles, particularly this one three inches below my waist, two-thirds of the way around my hip. I call it the Slip Throttle muscle, because it’s only ever used to brace the legs and steady the torso while sliding down a snow-packed hiking trail in a pair of heavy boots.

As I listen to Stampy finish his shower, I decided to take the early train to work. A rush of activity: Shower, dress, yogurt, walk to the station. The 6:48am express regulars are mostly skinny Type A stress cases. If the train is late, there’s a lot of Blackberry fiddling, teeth grinding, and bitter muttering about MBTA accountability.

The train comes, and I sit in the last car and read the New York Times. At South Station, I join the slow-moving flood of passengers on the platform, baby-stepping behind two suits: “The invitation was addressed to Mary Ellen, not Mary Eileen,” one is saying, while the other is chuckling and shaking his head. Then the traffic slows to a near-crawl. “What is that?” one suit says derisively, and I look up.

A young man with olive skin and long black hair is sitting with his back to a trash can. He’s smoking a cigarette, which is flailing in his gesticulative hand, and he’s braying in brash berserk bursts of foreign, slavic words. He appears amazed by the hundreds of white-collar workers streaming past him on the narrow platform. Perhaps he thinks we should not be there, or that we are there for his amusement. But we know that he is the oddity, the prowler, the gypsy on the South Station train platform at 7:30am.

Posted in Massachusetts.

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Spinning Class Grammar Thoughts

In English, why are the words that identify leg-covering garments always plural, even when referring to a single clothing entity? Pants, slacks, trousers, shorts, overalls, knickers, breeches, tights, trousers, bloomers, jeans… I am wearing a pair of pants, and they are too big is such a grammatically strange sentence that I’m, like, troubled by it.

“A pair of ____s” implies a dichotomy of nether apparel, suggesting the usage evolved from how these clothes were once assembled. Tailors would sew one pant, then another pant, then converge them to construct a pair of pants, 2 pairs of pants, 1000 pairs of pants (equal to 2000 individual ‘pant.’) Grammatically, pants are similar to socks and shoes, though in practice they remained distinct individual entities as pants converged into one garment. A skirt, dress, shirt, jacket, but never a pant. A pant is something one does during spinning class when Paula cranks up ‘Neutron Dance’ and screams “Sprud! Sprud!”

Posted in Existence.

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