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Fire Hazard

One of my lower priority professional goals is to, someday, attend an uber-crazy, alcohol-fueled office party. I mean a party where everyone’s trashed, stumbling around the dance floor, and turning “finger-food” into “fist-food”… and not just me.

Maybe I should become a San Francisco firefighter. The San Francisco Chronicle is reporting that a drunken tailgate party ended with 30 off-duty firefighters descending upon a nearby soup kitchen run by nuns. Violence ensued. “Hoses” were exposed. A soup kitchen volunteer was closely inspected for a fire code violation in her pants.

Any firefighter will attest to the efficacy of first-class debauchery as a means of blowing off occupational stress and promoting camaraderie. Because when you’re battling an inferno, you feel much closer to your fellow firefighters if you’ve seen them drunk and terrorizing nuns.

Posted in In the News.

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Maine in Pictures

Photographs today, words tomorrow. I’m exhausted.

Me on top of Tumbledown Mountain, Weld, Maine (by Mr. Pinault)

Posted in Trips.

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Maine in Words

Maine. You know, it’s the only state with only one syllable. Clean, succint, resolute, no-frills, plain Maine.

“What kind of a place is this,” Mr. Pinault asked as we drove around the Carthage/Dixville/Mexico area, “where they have paintball supply stores, well-drilling stores, and deer-skin glove stores, but not one supermarket?” Indeed, in the span of road that we traveled before stumbling upon a Wal-Mart Supercenter, we passed a half-dozen residence-based beauty salons with names like “Just Teasin’,” “Curl up and Dye,” and “Snippers.” We passed an equal number of general stores carrying identical stocks of snack foods, comprehensive assortments of jerky, coolers stacked with 30 packs of Budweiser, and jars of pickled eggs on the counter. But to buy produce, we had to go to Wal-Mart.

We camped at Mt. Blue State Park, which had a campground of 100-plus sites alongside large, clearwater Lake Webb. Some of the campers were like us, with spartan set-ups of a tent and a few accessories to faciliate cooking, lighting, and a semblance of comfort. But most campers had RVs, and all the trappings of the RV-lifestyle. Table-clothes. Gas Grills. Hammocks. Generators. Thick men watching portable televisions. Thick women fetching beer and food from a cluster of coolers.

The campsite next to us featured an RV brand called Chateau, and it was inhabited by a large extended family who were perpetually cooking some form of pork. They got in a terrific argument over the meaning of business days, as in this BB gun will be shipped within 3-5 business days. “This company ships by calendar days, not business days,” a teenager kept insisting, to the infuriation of his drunk father. I sneaked peeks at the Chateau, imagining how the name was coined in a fit of White Trash cheekiness: “This here’s my Chateau.”

The campground outhouses were quaint until my nose revolted by physically attempting to pucker itself shut. Baring my ass to the swarm of fat flies circling around the seat didn’t thrill me either. “Indoor plumbing wasn’t a fad,” I sneered to Mr. Pinault as we washed our hands with Volvic bottled water like total yuppies. Later, as I watched a roving band of teenagers on bicycles take turns pedaling full speed into a volleyball net, it occurred to me that Maine is what you would get if you bred Wyoming with Canada: A hokey, rugged, charming simpleton.

Posted in Trips.

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Campy

I’m off to Maine this weekend, for the first camping trip of the season! No, not the fall season, but the whole 2007 season. For some reason, Mr. Pinault has been reluctant to head out in the wilderness this year. Everytime I mention camping, he gestures towards the amentities of home that he cannot live without – the kitchen, the bathroom, the electrical grid – all the while massaging his neck and back, as if his muscles became sore from just the thought of sleeping on the ground.

But camping does have perks. The fresh air. The stars, crickets, and campfire. And, most importantly, it’s dirt-cheap. For $20 a night, even Mr. Pinault can forget about his morning aches and sleeplessness.

I’ll be back next week…

Posted in Trips.

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That Priggish Logic that makes Suits Who They Are

Lately I’ve been fetishizing suits. There’s something intangibly interesting about people who surrender their identity, passions, and morals in the name of wealth, power, and luxury-living. Are suits made or born? I don’t know, but my new job has taken me into the epicenter of Bostonian suits, and I’m finding them simply fascinating and entirely bland.

There was a suit walking in front of me today at lunch time, talking on his Blackberry. Among suits, this guy is an Alpha: Mid-40s. Impeccably groomed and attired. Intelligent face, strong jaw, broad shoulders, and a thick head of hair. His stride was resolute yet altruistic. His only fault was his tall, wiry body, as suits typical have a belly as a sign of puissance.

I couldn’t help but to zero in on his murmuring…

“It’s the last week of summer and the weather couldn’t be better… So do I go in the office? Or do I go to the golf course?… Yeah, in the long run, it’s much better for everyone if I go to the golf course… because otherwise, I’m going to regret it.”

Posted in Massachusetts.

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Mewling in the Blogosphere

My new job gratifies my intellectual appetite to the point where I’m terribly unmotivated to write here this week. Poor exhausted brain just wants to take assume child pose, take deep cleansing breaths, and unwind all those little contorted synapses. Ahhhhhh.

To draw an analogy to food: It like I’ve been eating nothing but pasta for the past 5 years. Hey, nothing’s wrong with pasta. It’s satisfying. But all of a sudden, holy effing christ, it’s a potato! And I’m so excited to be eating this potato that I will focus all my energy on the potato. Does that make any sense? Should my brain go back to resting quietly in child pose?

I’m tempted to find a Republican to mock, but what choices! I ripped through the New York Times this morning to read all about the latest tawdry sex scandal. I just can’t fathom a subculture of gay sex in airport bathrooms revolving around foot-tapping that it has become such a problem that the police conduct sting operations. I feel so naively female.

To tie an awkward bow on this rambling post: Did I mention that the bathrooms in my new office have quilted toilet paper?

Posted in The 9 to 5.

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Evil Eyes are Rolling

Lately I cannot even order lunch without aggravating a hapless clerk. But I maintain my innocence. I mean, I’m sorry that preparing a to-go bread and soup bowl at Au Bon Pain takes about two minutes, but really, shouldn’t Au Bon Pain smooth out this process so that I’m not the target of everyone’s quiet loathing? And if Sebastians had stipulated on their menu that “hold the lettuce, extra tomatoes” costs .75, then I could have saved the cashier a lot of grief (you’d think people making 8 dollars an hour would be sympathetic to my outrage). And Cosi sandwich lady, maybe I could have been a little more adamant when I said “No ham, please.” I know it’s pretty chaotic and loud. But is it really that big of a deal to make me another sandwich? I’m smiling and agreeable. Why are you looking at me like I’m the Anti-Christ?

Posted in Existence.

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I Love…

The free city! no slaves! no owners of slaves!
The beautiful city, the city of hurried and sparkling waters! the city of spires and masts!
The city nested in bays! my city!
The city of such women, I am mad to be with them! I will return after death to be with them!
The city of such young men, I swear I cannot live happy, without I often go talk, walk, eat, drink, sleep, with them!
-Walt Whitman, “Mannahatta”

I spent three long days in Manhattan and Brooklyn, which was enough time to do the following:

* Arrive on a Peter Pan bus from Boston after an initially ordinary journey that deteriorated when the driver took an off-highway foray into the streets of the Bronx, subjecting us to 90 minutes of stop-and-go jerkiness and his own maniacal road rage.

* Discover that the threat of blogging is a formidable weapon of the passive aggressive house guest (thank you RT, KT, and most especially L!)

* Drink a fair amount of beer in various thematic Manhattan and Brooklyn bars, including a beauty salon, a Polynesian hut, a summer camp, and a bar with a bocce ball court.

* Get lost in SoHo, almost on purpose. All around me, cranky tourists swarmed the streets in unfathomable heat and haze, retreating into the polar-conditioned stores for respite. I felt bad for them. They journey to New York, shell out astronomical sums of money for a hotel, upend their concept of normal daily life, and in return, New York offers the same flipping chain stores and restaurants that they have back in Peducah Falls: Ann Taylor, Armani Exchange, Crate and Barrel, Pottery Barn, Office Depot, Victoria’s Secret… and for those who want unique New York commodities, across the sidewalk on folding tables along the curb there’s genuine curiosities like knitted chinese handcuffs, rubber ducky decor, shell jewelry, and cheap Chinese imports. Oh, the glamour of Third World sweatshop handiwork.

* Frolic at Coney Island, where I oohed and aahed over the view afforded by the Wonder Wheel and experienced whiplashy thrills on the Cyclone.

* Gaze at the Brooklyn Bridge from a park in the Dumbo neighborhood of Brooklyn while contemplating metaphysical questions such as: Is the human race essentially good? Is pride more dangerous than greed? Are we just animals with an extra-dangerous capacity for thinking and doing? Can such magnificent creation – these bridges, that forest of buildings – withstand a contradictory proclivity for destruction – that gaping hole in the skyline where the Twin Towers once presided?

Brooklyn Bridge and Manhattan Skyline

Chinese Store in SoHo

Posted in Americana.

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Capiche

Despite this eponymous website that is read weekly by dozens, I’m not the most famous person ever to graduate from Methacton High School.

No, that honor goes to Eric, one-half of the comedic duo Tim and Eric, creators of Adult Swim sensation “Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!”. I realized how famous he is when I opened this month’s Maxim magazine and found myself staring at a Tim and Eric-oriented blurb.

Yes, in high school, not only did I totally know who Eric was… he knew who I was, too! In fact, he dated my best friend. I could tell stories, but after watching the “Office Chunky Capiche” videos featured Eric as Carol, well, I just can’t top that.

[On a side note: When I was younger, a rumor said that WWF wrestler Ultimate Warrior was an alumnae. But now the internet informs me that is totally false (like most wrestlers, Warrior is a product of the Mid West.)]

Posted in Culture.

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Gay Old Town

I spent two nights in Provincetown, the gay and lesbian resort town on Cape Cod.

Why would a straight girl like me go to P-town? Well, it’s easily accessible by a ferry from Boston and can be readily navigated with a rented bicycle. The beaches, cycling trails, and downtown commercial district are stellar. Plus, I’d be going mid-week and avoid the crush of weekend crowds.

I also discovered that P-town is an exceptionally safe place for women to travel alone. Any unwanted male attention disappeared as soon as they realized that I wasn’t a post-op transsexual. And any unwanted female attention just didn’t happen, probably because no one mistook me for a lesbian… probably because I’m too pretty.

Since Mr. Pinault didn’t go with me, the quality of photographs that I have to share is dismal. Wow and woe… it takes some serious lack of skill to make a place as colorful as P-town look so drab.

Picture #1 is the Pilgrim Monument, taken from the bay as the ferry approached the town. (And yes, for those of you unfamiliar with Provincetown, there is a 250-foot tall granite phallus in the town center to commemorate the first landfall of the Pilgrims and the signing of the Mayflower Compact.)

Picture #2 is a lily-pad-ladden pond in Beech Forest. Tadpoles are visible in the lower-right hand corner of the picture.

Posted in Massachusetts, Trips.

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