**** You Down Wit' GOP?

Has there ever been a more absurd field of Republican Presidential Candidates?

Yesterday, Republican candidate Ron Paul raised a record-setting $5.2 million in a fundraising frenzy that was timed to coincide with the 234th anniversary of the Boston Tea Party (here). In Boston, as a Nor'easter storm blew freezing rain onto snow-clogged streets, 400 Ron Paul supporters marched from the State House to Faneuil Hall to hear speeches by prominent Libertarians and to stage a lame reenactment of the Tea Party by "tossing banners that read 'tyranny' and 'no taxation without representation' into boxes that were placed in front of an image of the harbor."

If I were a Republican, Ron Paul would be an attractive candidate. He's sort of the Thinking Man's Evolution Disavower. And apparently Paul supporters are big into symbolism, because by donating $5.2 million to the Presidential campaign of Ron Paul, they are essentially tossing their money into a dark, cold abyss, not dissimilar to the Boston Harbor.

What suddenly became so wrong with John McCain? His support for Iraq has always squared with the Republican base's suppport, and he has more universal respect than any other candidate. Is McCain's banter just not as endearing and light-hearted as Mike Huckabee's?

Allow to say a few things about Mike Huckabee. I mean, America, hello? Remember the last time you fell in love with a Republican contender based solely on his affable charm and Christian credentials? Huckabee is a man who once said "I may not be the expert that some people are on foreign policy, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night" (here). It's only funny because it's true.

It's strange to admit now that I once voted for Mitt Romney as Governor of Massachusetts. I voted for Mitt Romney because he seemed competent to do the job of Governor. (Ironically, aside from Utah, Massachusetts is probably one of the few states a Mormon could get elected in.) But privately, I find the core Mormon beliefs to be batshit insane. Angels and golden plates are one thing (I refer you to South Park's take of Mormonism, which is chillingly accurate - here), but these people believe that the Garden of Eden was actually in Jackson County, Missouri and that the first Native Americans were whites from Jerusalem. Nope, I must concur with the Christian Right: Mitt cannot believe that and still get to be President.

I didn't know much about Fred Thompson, aside from the fact that he is certainly the ugliest contender. So I read an article called "What you may not know about Fred Thompson" (here), and found out that he led an effort to derail a piece of legislation called Aimee's Law. As a general rule, any politician who opposes any law named after a little girl is an asshole.

Finally, there's Rudy. The fact that Guiliani has yet to commit a major faux pas or a crime on the campaign trail is surprising. I had him pegged as the candidate most like to go out in a Howard Dean-like roar.