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Saturday January 31, 2004

****"Reality" TV Pioneer Dies

Mary-Ellis Bunim, one of the evil minds that spawned MTV's The Real World and Road Rules, and most recently Fox's The Simple Life, has sadly died of breast cancer at age 57 (here).

Bunim was a true American pioneer, taking television to new levels without a script or intelligent people. All you need is seven strangers, a house, and a willingness to observe what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real.

Sure, it wasn't always highbrow TV. Entire episodes would revolve around unprincipled vice, baseless bickering, juvenile inner contemplation, or the most irrational preoccupations of one of the vain protagonists. You wondered if Bunim-Murray purposely sought conflict by casting bisexual alcoholics (Ruthie of Hawaii). A shocking amount of nudity, violence, drinking, yelling and general nastiness pervaded each season, allowing us to gawk at utter morons acting like asses in front of cameras and then, when the season ends, foolishly believe that they still matter to the world.

Her shows were the antithesis of reality, really, but in that they had value. We don't want reality television, we want entertainment disguised as reality, as if it could happen to us, as if our insignificant reality is being filmed, noticed and scrutinized by millions of viewers. How would we act if a roommate hooked up in the hot tub with two other roommates? Who would we want to slap? What would we say to Paris Hilton if she were pumping our gas?

In Ray Bradbury's amazingly prophetic Fahrenheit 451, Montag's wife Mildred is obsessed with reality TV. She spends most of her waking moments watching 3 wall-sized TVs in the parlor, engrossed in what her "family" is doing. It always amazed me that Bradbury, who wrote the book when TV was in its pubescent stages, foresaw how TV could evolve from a family-oriented diversion into a way for people to solitarily lose themselves in a different reality: The oxymoronic "reality" of television.

So, again, Bunim was a pioneer, turning television viewers from voyeurs to active participants. In reality shows, the stars talk to the camera, they talk to us, they tell us what they are thinking and how they feel and they look directly at us, inviting our judgment. And we're free to judge them how we will.

 

****A Less-problematic Alternative for Dieters Who Simply Must Drink Beer

The NY Times has this deliciously searing homage to Michelob Ultra (here), the beer for "that lifestyle-, fitness-oriented consumer" who may have "just finished a refreshing urban jog."

 

****And Today in Paleontology...

If there's one thing I'm sick of hearing from people, it's "Meredith, your site falters under a distinct and characteristic lack of paleontology news." To which I plead guilty. Well, here's a whale of a fossil story: Erosion caused by Hurricane Isabel unearthened an 8-million year old whale skull in Maryland (here).

 

Friday January 30, 2004

****Dating Rosie Palm and Her Five Sisters

I gotta hand it to this guy (here). I've never seen so many euphemisms for wrist aerobics, or... shakin' hands with the unemployed, or... petting the wookie, or... evicting the testicular squatters. Gosh, there's so many good ones! This stuff is gold!

 

****Fat Chicks in Party Hats: A Bona Fide iClassic

I first saw the outrageously offensive phenomenon that is Fat Chicks in Party Hats (here) sometime around the year 1999... and I'm pleased to see that it's still spreading its unique brand of stupid entertainment.

The pictures themselves, though they no longer are exclusively of beefy babes in festive millineries, are the real gems. Miguel's comments aren't always amusing, but sometimes I bust a gut.

 

****Skeleton Closet

Skeleton Closet (here) kept me engrossed for a while.

Top 5 highlights:

  1. John Kerry played bass in a 60s "prep-rock" band called the Electras

  2. Ralph Nader is a rumored hypochondriac.

  3. Al Sharpton is a "known associate of Michael Jackson"

  4. Pat Buchanan never served in the military, possibly due to veneral disease.

  5. Best Dan Quayle quote EVER: "You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you will always be." -- Quayle, to the American Samoans

 

Thursday January 29, 2004

****Legalize It

I just saw the movie Monster and was profoundly affected by the scene in which prostitute Lee (Charlize Theron, in a deservedly Oscar-nominated performance) narrowly escaped a brutal death after being tied up and beaten by a john who picks her up off the street.

So when I read the news of a pig-farming serial killer in Vancouver who may have murdered up to 60 prostitutes in a 15 year period (here), I was both chilled and angry.

Prostitution is never going to go away. Men want it. Some women need or want to do it. Why are policemen wasting time waging this sick war against the oldest profession?

Instead of trying in vain to stop prostitution, we should legalize it and regulate it. By legalizing prostitution, we can help protect women from sexual predators (here for a sampling) by allowing hookers to work in a safe workplace, in addition to requiring frequent STD testing and providing other resources as a social service. Legalization give prostitutes a legal recourse if they are assaulted, robbed or raped. It would stop stigmatizing the profession.

Hookers are frequent targets for serial killers because it easy to kill women whose livelihood we force underground. If prostitution was legal, perhaps it would have saved some of these women from a horrific and demeaning death at the hands of a psycho.

And let's not forget about the men. Not all men who go to prostitutes beat and kill them. Some men wouldn't get any sex if not for hookers. I'm not trying to be funny... there's disabled men, ugly men, awkward men, and married men who would be sexually deprived if not for hookers. And is that really right? Is that what America's all about?

America should put aside its Values and Morals about Sex, and start considering their Values and Morals about Life.

 

****Kerry Hearts Botox

Of course John Kerry uses Botox (pics here). Of course. Are we surprised? Are we disappointed? Are we scandalized? Or are we just amused?

With all the ribbing Kerry gets in the media about his, um, exotically wrinkled face, we shouldn't be surprised. After all, it's us who place such a premium on appearance. We obviously like our Presidents to be white and Anglo-Saxon. The taller, the better. The hair must be graying (to show maturity) but not totally gray or bald.

And if they should look kinda funny, we turn into kiddies on a schoolyard, tittering, sneering John Kerry is a California Raisin!

So, looking at it from Kerry's perspective, wouldn't you hate it if you missed your chance to be the President of the United States... because of your face?!? Bring on the Botox... bring it on.

 

****Ashton Kutcher: Go Away

Why is Hollywood continually foisting this talentless pretty-boy upon us? Kutcher has one type of character in his acting repertoire: The brainless but hunky comic foil. And that gets old very quick. Casting Ashton Kutcher in your movie is ominous sign that your movie is going to suck.

Trying to make Kutcher effectively portray a hero in a time-bending thriller (The Butterfly Effect) is like trying to make a three-year old child understand Dream Song 36 by John Berryman. (Hell, it's like me trying to understand Dream Song 36. I mean, is it supposed to make sense?) It's just cruel ... cruel to him and us.

 

****Funky Fresh in the Vatican

Have you seen the video of Break Dancers performing for the Pope (here)?

That does it: Break-dancing is officially passe. Nothing kills a trend quite like papal plaudits.

 

Wednesday January 28, 2004

****How To Ruin a World-Class Basketball Team

A Guest Column by Danny Ainge, Boston Celtics General Manager

When you first get the job, say you're not planning to make any changes. Put everyone at ease, because they kinda suspect you're a big freaking jerk.

Lay low during the summer... the media's too busy covering the Red Sox that they won't pay attention to your diabolic planning. I mean, come on, during the playoff series against the Yankees, you could sodomize Lucky the Mascot on the floor of a Dunkin Donuts and it would not get any press coverage.

Then, right before the basketball season starts, after they've printed up advertisements featuring him: Trade your second-best player, co-captain, and most dynamic player on the court for a bunch of crappy players. Then: Unleash the Blitzkrieg of crappy trades until only four Celtics from last season still remain. (Get some white guys on the team while you're at it.)

Quite soon, you'll be saying good-bye to your highly-regarded coach who was with the team for only 3 years but still managed to propel them into the playoffs. He'll quit (here) because you made him essentially START OVER with a new team partway through the season.

Then sit back and congratulate yourself, because you just ruined a world-class basketball team.

Say it's for the long-term good of the team, that we had to start over because the team we had last season would never win an NBA championship. Who knows if your new team, so rift with potential, can either... but at least you got your picture in the paper a lot!

 

****Endearing

en, in a hastily-written email, asked me today if I wanted to go to a "Super Bowel" party.

 

****He's Got Electability

There's such focus in the primaries on "electability". A lot of NH voters said they voted for the candidate who they think can be beat Bush. This is bad, because they seem to think that John Kerry can beat Bush, even though Kerry is senator of a state that's legalizing GAY MARRIAGE and is nicknamed Tax-a-schusetts. (And his wife is a really rich crazy woman).

This new trend of people voting strategically instead of voting for the best person for the job is disturbing. I think people want to vote for Dean, but they don't think he's electable. In future elections, will candidates who express emotion or do anything unusual be automatically written off by their own party? It's like Democrats are pitted against Republicans instead of focusing on finding issues that they can rally around.

 

****Free Martha

Opening arguments for the Martha Stewart trial began yesterday (here). Her case is commonly referred to in the press as the Martha Stewart Insider trading case... but did you know she is not charged with insider trading? The main charge she faces is whether Martha lied to federal investigators about why she sold off the stock.

Corporate ethics are indeed a problem in this country, but how do Martha Stewart's little alleged unethicals compare with some of the grave crimes that occur in the business world on a daily basis for which no one is held accountable? She's not charged with insider trading because at the MOST all she knew was that Sam Waksal intended to sell his shares. The stock was indeed going down as she sold, so I don't think it's unreasonable that her broker would sell her shares as the stock plunged.

This doesn't compare with most of the white-collar crime that happens in this country, crimes that are known about but not punished save for the few sacrificial lambs trussed in Brooks Brothers attire that have been offered up to the public, as if to say "Here are the bad guys! Problem solved! We'll just go back to what we were doing..."

And Martha is one of these lambs, and a whopper of a lamb at that. Already a target for scorn and ridicule, she is being used as "proof" that the SEC takes white collar crime seriously. ("We won't cut Martha Stewart any slack!")

If the SEC really wanted to crack down on white-collar crime, everyone involved in the Enron, WorldCom, etc. scandals would be serving life in prison. Instead, we get Martha Stewart facing up to 30 years on trumped-up charges.

 

****The General Vs. The Deserter

I don't worship Michael Moore. He makes entertaining films, but I never wanted to subscribe to his newsletter, if you know what I mean. I was kinda surprised he supported Wes Clark... I pegged him as a Dean man. This video clip shows a slightly-controversial speech Mr. Moore made on Wes Clark's behalf in NH, in which he refers to GW Bush as a "deserter.".

 

 

Tuesday January 27, 2004

****All the Kids Are Doing It

Being the impressionable sort, when a co-worker praised the therapeutic benefits of nasal irrigation to treat sinus problems, I knew what I'd be doing when I got home.

One is supposed to irrigate their nose with a high-capacity syringe, a nasal spray bottle, or a rubber-topped dropper. But a drinking straw works, so that's what I used. I made the solution with which one irrigates (instructions and recipe here). Then, using the straw as a dropper, I imbibed my nasal cavities.

I had a hard time at first. The solution kept running into my mouth instead of out the other nostril. But I mastered it quickly, and it cleared me out for a bit.

Apparently this is called jalaneti by yoga types (here). I'm trying to think of a joke about a yoga adherent, a cocaine addict and a misappropriated straw. But while the nasal irrigation cleared my nose, it didn't improve my sense of humor one bit.

 

****My Favorite Democrat

Wes Clark, the only Democrat who can beat Bush, won the midnight vote in Dixville, NH. Bo-yah!

 

****X-RAY Vision

Russian teenager Natalia Demkina claims she has X-RAY vision and can see inside human bodies (here). Scientists have yet been able to dispute her claim.

 

****Mark Twain Quotes

1: ...the citizen who thinks he sees that the commonwealth's political clothes are worn out, and yet holds his peace and does not agitate for a new suit, is disloyal; he is a traitor.

2: I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's.

 

Monday January 26, 2004

****State of the Union Address

Did you miss the State of the Union address last week? Don't worry, you didn't miss much. As Bill Maher put it, they should make it a law that the State of the Union address should actually address the state of the union.

Well, I wasn't much help with my little synopsis, but the Economist has a pretty good (critical) summation here.

 

****New Joy Division Box Set

Ian Curtis sings from beyond the grave on Refractured, a 3-CD box set of live shows in 1979-80. It's a limited UK edition of 3000. Many die-hard JD fans are trash-talking the release.

Interesting Fact: Joy Division's first ever live performance was on the same day I was born (5/29/77). They played under the name Warsaw at Manchester's Electric Circus club with the Buzzcocks.

 

****Movie Reviews

Click here to see my review of Monster, starring Charlize Theron and Christina Ricci.

Click here to see my review of The Triplets of Belleville, a super-cute French animation film.

 

****Yeh!

I'm typing this on my new notebook PC. Yeh!

 

Sunday January 25, 2004

****Steak Appeasement

Yesterday I mentioned Mayor Bloomberg "baffled and dismayed" Atkins dieters with comments made during a pasta dinner with firefighters. The mayor voiced doubt that Atkins died in a slip and fall accident, then opined that Atkins food was "just terrible."

Veronica Atkins, the widow of the Ketosis King, was outraged at the mayor's comments, and he advised her to "lighten up."

Fearing a public relations disaster, the mayor now wants to "make it up" to Mrs. Atkins by inviting her to "a steak dinner -- no potatoes." (here).

First: I'm baffled and dismayed that this is even an issue. Don't you think Mayor Bloomberg has bigger things to worry about then a joke he made that offended PEOPLE ON A WEIRD, UNHEALTHY DIET?

Second: Kudos to the Mayor for not officially apologizing. It's not like Mrs. Atkins is the wife of a foreign dignitary who he gravely offended... she's the widow of a man WHO WROTE DIET BOOKS. I think he's giving the issue a lot more attention than it warrants.

 

****Roman Holiday

Vice President Dick Cheney is in Rome doing some sight seeing with his wife. Cheney ignored reporters questioning if the Iraq invasion could be justified with any evidence of weapons of mass destruction. (here)

"Beautiful walk through Rome," Dick Cheney said. His wife added "We saw an eagle."

 

****A Spam-Free World

Bill Gates is promising that the world will be spam free by 2006 due to innovative Microsoft technology "based on the concept of "proof," or identifying the sender of the e-mail." (here)

I don't believe that for a second. Spammers will always find a way to outdo any technology that is put in place to prevent spam.

[Gates] conceded, however, that his prognostications have not always been on the mark. Notable misjudgments include the rising popularity of open-source software, epitomized by Linux, and the success of the Google search engine.

Heh. It's amazing that a person can have a string of "notable misjudgments" and still be taken seriously in the press. Bill Gates is just a lucky geek, and if there's no more spam by 2006, then I'll eat Spam (the potted meat... their web site is pretty funny).

 

****107: Beyond Old

A Tewksbury, MA woman named Mary Scelzo turned 107 on Friday. A local news station did a story about her (here) packed solid with the typical Ain't that Cute!/ Feel Good comments that you get in a story solely about how freakishly old a person is:

Um, okay, don't quite get that last one... you mean you got drunk once? You got drunk last night, like you do every night? You got drunk before you claimed to be 7 years old? What do you mean, the secret to reaching 107 is "you got drunk?" Come on lady, WHAT'S YOUR EFFING SECRET?

These stories are always the same... a nice old person surrounded by family members who are shrugging their shoulders, mystified that this relative is still alive.

When I was little, these stories were common when a person turned 100. But, now that centenarians are the fastest-growing segment of our population (here), apparently turning 100 is just not that remarkable anymore.

Inundated with calls from people asking "My relative is turning 100. Do you want to do a story about her/him?", local news stations sigh and retort "Call us if they're still here in seven to ten years and then maybe we'll have a story."

 

Saturday January 24, 2004

****Fabian Basabe: Exclusive Insider Gossip!

I still get hundreds of "Fabian Basabe" Googlers coming to my site (see January 19 and January 14). The idea of getting hits because of that It Idiot sickens me; I was on the verge of vanquishing all references to him from my site... but (I'm not joking) this morning I got the following email :

You want a really interesting story: check into [Fabian Basabe's] police record in Beverly Hills. Or the reason he is only 'promised'? Let's just say he swings the other way. The guy who was visiting him a week ago he has been after for years. He tried to get together with half of the guys at Pepperdine. Which is another interesting topic. Let's just say he didn't leave, he was kicked out for turning in his purchased papers on fax paper. The list of his exploits goes on and on.

Thanks, anonymous tipster! Gayness, police records, buying college term papers...Wow, I feel like freaking Liz Smith here!

(Note to Self: Call my Beverly Hills PD contact to see about that police record.)

As the newly crowned It Kid Gossip Disseminator, I must tell you (that's my buzz phrase): Let's just say Paris Hilton is not a virgin.

 

****Mayor Bloomberg on Atkins

On January 20, while eating pasta with firefighters, NYC's Mayor Mike Bloomberg tells it like it is: "Atkins is dead. I don't believe that bull---- that he dropped dead slipping on a sidewalk. Yeah, right... The guy was fat — big guy — but heavy. And the food was inedible. I took one appetizer and I had to spit it into my napkin. It was just terrible."

Atkins dieters are reportedly "baffled and dismayed" at the mayor's comments. They solaced themselves with comfort foods like noodleless lasange and cheesecake in a cup.

 

****Eurekster! It is stupid!

There's a new search engine called Eurekster that claims to personalize your search results based on previous results that you found useful. Not only that, you can "keep up with what your friends find useful on the net." (Friends being people you are linked to on Eurekster's network.)

Yeah... okay... sounds great. Because I really want other people to know about the topics I search for on the web.

 

****Politics: Controversy in the Eye of the Beholder

So CBS is refusing to air MoveOn.Org's Super Bowl ad (here to view the ad). They say it's too controversial to air during the Super Bowl. I am very disappointed with CBS's refusal to run MoveOn.Org's ad when they are more than willing to run ads from the White House. But I guess that's the kind of anti-democracy crap we've come to expect from the network that gave us Survivor.

And CBS has no problem advertising beer with sexualized images of half-naked women over and over again. On some level, shouldn't that be just as controversial as making a valid and TRUE comment on the HUGE federal deficit (exceeding $570 billion in fiscal 2003) the Bush Administration has gleefully run up that my children will be paying for?

 

****Politics: The War Hero Ticket

I decided a while back that I really don't care who wins the Democratic nomination, just as long as he can beat Bush.

What will it take to beat Bush? Most political pundits agree that the Democratic candidate needs to woo White Male Voters back to the Democratic party. According to a recent The Nation article about Dean's "Butching Up for Victory," only 22% of white guys are Democrats. Many are put off by the Democratic Party's tendency to rally around social "non-manly" causes like protecting the environment, protecting a women's right to choose, or civil rights. Others may be attracted to the macho image the Republican party carefully cultivates.

Based on this, my dream ticket would be Wesley Clark for President and John Kerry for VP. I think that would be the ticket that has the best chance of beating Bush. Both are war heroes. Clark has good foreign affairs credentials, something that may attract the Americans who realize that the rest of the world hates Bush. Kerry has good domestic credentials, something that may attract voters who read newspapers.

On a side note, if the Democrats want to take back the White House, gay marriage cannot be an issue. It is too polarizing and will drive many voters who may be willing to vote Democratic back into Bush's "marriage-protectin'" arms.

 

Friday January 23, 2004

****Hail Mary Jane, Full of Grace

A priest in Ohio has been busted for growing about 35 marijuana plants in his church living quarters.

 

****Sniffles

I have this wicked gross sinus cold. It's debilitating, but not enough that I could stay home from work or anything.

Today I blew my nose for 5 straight minutes before this long meeting with an outside technology consultant. Then, ten minutes into the meeting... I had to get up to blow my nose and I took out three Kleenex.

And it just didn't stop after that. Where does it all come from? There's like a gallon of liquid packed into my sinuses.

 

****McOverdose

A filmmaker decided to document his experiment of eating nothing but McDonalds fast food for 30 days (here). The result? "My body basically fell apart over the course of 30 days." He gained 25 pounds and his liver became "toxic." His movie about the experience is called "Super Size Me." In the film world, the movie has good buzz.

 

Thursday January 22, 2004

****Triteness

Not to offend anyone out there who may keep a web journal like this... but I can't stand those web journals where the author inserts a smiley graphic to indicate their daily mood... like "Today I'm Grouchy!" and there's a peeved-looking emoticon, and then a little diatribe about why he or she is grouchy that day. It's like:

Bummer Day :-C

"Oh today has just been horrible. I overslept and got caught in the worst traffic going to work, and then the line at Starbucks was sooo long so I was 40 minutes late and my boss saw me come in before I could dig into my scone and frappucino, and he told me Sandy had the flu and is out the rest of the week so now I have to cover for her in addition to my already HUGE workload. Then at noon L. insisted on going to the California Pizza Kitchen even though I'm trying to stick to a low-carb diet. Then in the afternoon the copier broke on our floor so I had to take the elevator down to three in order to finish up this project but that sour-looking girl from Accounting was already down there and she said she'd call me when she was finished. So I went back to my desk and just spaced out for two hours, then I went back down to the copier and the copier was free! But she didn't call me! I have to stay 15 minutes late to finish up and then traffic going home was horrible. I was supposed to go to the gym but you can understand why I didn't, after a day like today. There goes my New Year's Resolution! Then I discovered the bathroom sink is clogged. Oh, great! Just what I need! Anyway, so it's understandable that I'm NOT in the best mood!"

 

****Sparing the Rod

Last night a co-worker was in the Costco parking lot, and he witnessed a man spanking his young daughter (around 5 years old). Standing, the man held both of her arms with one hand and repeatedly (but not "frenzied") whacked her bottom with the other. She cried and squirmed desperately. As my co-worker drove out of the parking lot, two squad cars with sirens and light blazin' peeled into the Costco parking lot, presumably responding to a call that a man was beating a child.

Spanking is still legal in this country, but there is a more acute awareness of the fine line (some would say invisible) line between physical discipline and child abuse. I can't advocate that it should be illegal because I don't think that would do anything except make a whole lotta people mad and get a whole lotta people in trouble with the law. The little girl in the parking lot not only had to go through the humiliation and pain of being assaulted by her own father, but then the police show up, which I'm sure was just as traumatizing and scary.

No, we shouldn't arrest or fine parents for spanking. What I think is needed is a general change in attitude towards children and discipline. People spank because they were spanked, not because they are bad people or parents. And yes, spanking does seem to work ... at the time. After all, you're asserting your physical superiority over a little kid. Who wouldn't abide by your wishes when they're physically threatened?

The problem is it's a refusal to treat your child like a person. A vast majority of people who spank their children would never hit their spouse, or their pet, or a stranger. But somehow it's okay to spank one's child.

Spanking advocates say that a spanking should be administered when the parent is calm and rational, not out of control, and the parent should always say "I love you and that's why I'm doing this." Well, from what I've heard and observed, that doesn't happen. Usually, most parents who consider themselves modern, rational human beings will only spank as a last resort... and that last resort is usually reached when they're desperately out of control of their own emotions.

It's proven that people who were spanked are not only more likely to spank their children, but also more likely to be physically aggressive to other (non-children) people. This is probably because spanking is most often done when the parent is angry. Therefore, children learn that it's okay to physically assault someone when they're angry.

www.neverhitachild.org

 

Wednesday January 21, 2004

****State of the Union

I could only watch about 15 minutes of Bush's little oration of prevarications last night before becoming nauseated by his rhetoric and mannerisms, and the constant fawning applause. I can't stand to listen to this man continue to dupe the American public into thinking that his policies and actions benefit us lower and middle class schmucks. I can't stand listening to Bush justify the Iraq situation by sneakily mis-correlating the events of 9/11 with the invasion of Iraq and capture of Saddam Hussein.

Highlights for me:

1. As Bush patted himself on the back for Medicare/Prescription Drug "Reform", the camera cut to an enraged-looking Ted Kennedy, arms crossed and head firmly shaking, as if to say "You liar." Atta boy, Teddy! Of course, it would've been cooler had Kennedy attempted to tackle GW Bush while shouting "You lying little weasel! Your budget for prescription drugs and medicare reform covers ten cents on the dollar of prescription drug costs for the elderly! You block access to generic drugs because the pharmaceutical lobby has their hands in your grimy little pockets!" But, given the circumstances, a firm head-shake was pretty cool all the same.

2. When Bush mentioned that the Patriot Act was about to expire, some (presumably) Democrats applauded, severely flustering Bush for about a second before he went on and urged for the Patriot Act to be passed again. (Bush turned this around to make it seem like anyone who didn't support the Patriot Act was Pro-terrorist. That manure-shoveling fascist).

 

****Amish in the City

A new reality show tentatively called Amish in the City plans to take five Amish young adults and pair them with five "mainstream" Americans in a yet-to-be-disclosed city (read here).

Les Moonves thinks that this will be entertaining because the Amish live in a bubble: "...People who have never had television, who will walk down Rodeo Drive and be freaked out by what they see..."

Sir, I think I would be utterly "freaked out" by Rodeo Drive myself. And, as the article points out, Amish youth are very assimilated to our culture already. Says an Amish expert, “It’s not like they’ve been living in caves for the past three centuries."

Now that's an idea for a reality TV show... modern cavemen! Mr. Moonves, why don't you go to some third-world country and pick out some kids who have never seen a toilet, or a DVD player, and who survive on dirty water and rations? And take them to Rodeo Drive, and see what happens! Transform them into typical American teenagers so we can laugh at their foibles and be touched by their sincere gratitude and amazement. Then fix them up on dates with gay people, and promise One Million Dollars to the first gay person who can elicit a homosexual act from a cave person.

 

Tuesday January 20, 2004

****Tales from the T

12-17-03- Going to en's office Christmas party, I'm dressed to kill in my nicest coat and Kenneth Cole knee-high boots, with a 40-minute hair-do/make-up job. I get on the trolley and sit in a single seat. Immediately a Hispanic youth sits in front of me and begins talking, asking my name, where I'm going, etc. Out of reflex I smile at him initially but don't answer, and look away carefully from him. He's UGLY and poorly dressed, but he seems convinced that I'll give in to his charms with a little pestering. I am highly insulted that this guy thinks he has a shot, and start to think that maybe I don't look as good as I thought.

12-31-03- en, my sister and I board the trolley and I grab a single seat facing the wall. An older bum-looking man stands directly in front of me. He seems to have Tourettes or maybe schizophrenia. Among other strange behavior, he grabs his crotch twice, inches from my averted face.

1-1-04- en, my sister and I board the trolley. A group of youths are repeatedly making the loudest, most annoying noise I've ever heard, like a goat- "Huh! Huh!" They are imitating one of their asthmatic friends. This goes on all the way to Park Street (about 15 minutes).

1-8-04- Getting off the T at South Station, I pass the Metro hawker who is always there in the morning to pass out the free daily while shouting soulfully "MET-RO, MET-RO" or sometimes just "TRO, TRO." As I pass him, there is a disheveled fat woman, whose lavender sweat pants stand out among the staid uniforms of the commuters, standing about 3 feet behind him, letting out these sporadic guzzled giggles and squeaking softly "Metro! Metro!" over and over again.

1-16-04- How many tautological statements can one moronic but comely blond utter in the course of a ten-minute subway ride?

And those are just the ones I noticed! What an annoying, vapid way to converse!

1-19-04- A man is standing in the stairwell while scores of people try to get off the trolley. He gets hit by a suitcase that an older woman is trying to lift down the stairs. "Excuse me," he says rudely to her with a steely glare. "Get out of the way!" a businessman in a nice suit shrieks almost hysterically. The man in the stairwell gets this "Well, I never!" look on his face, but doesn't budge. I easily sublimate the faint urge to echo the outburst.

 

****Hometown Team Defined

"Death Ray" emailed me to nitpick that the Patriots are not my "hometown" team (as I referred to them yesterday), they are New England's team. While I understand how annoying it is for Bostonians to claim the Patriots as their own, I defend the right for ANY New Englander to call the Patriots their hometown team.

(By the way, Mr. Death Ray, I'm not a Bostonian, I'm a Cantabrigian. I bow to no Menino.)

Technically, my "hometown" team would be the Philadelphia Eagles, as I originally hail from that area. But come on, the Eagles are losers.

 

****Harvard Orgies

I love listening to Harvard orgies!

I'm talking about WHRB (Harvard Radio Broadcasting) 95.3's bi-annually "marathon-style musical programs devoted to a single composer, performer, genre, or subject", called a WHRB Orgy ®.

Today I caught some of the THE SAIN RECORDS ORGY, which was Welsh music. I also enjoyed the THE FENNESZ ORGY last week, which was strange but soothing "experimental electronica."

 

****The Comeback Kerry

John Kerry's strong showing in Iowa stunned me. I think it stunned everyone in Massachusetts, even though he's our senator and our initial reaction should have been glee. But no, it was more like "Wow, who'd he screw?"

 

Monday January 19, 2004

****Football

The New England Patriots are Super Bowl bound.

I never liked football until I truly understood it, how each play constitutes a mini-military action, a battle of tactical aggression. Before, I thought the quarterback just needed to be a good thrower. But it requires brilliant mental prowess, quick-thinking and calm under the threat of being bodily pounded.

Pro football is amazing to watch. I marvel over the beauty in these bulky brutes doing barbaric ballet one minute then throwing themselves around like cannonballs the next.

And when your hometown plays some incredible football for 14 straight games and might win their 2nd Super Bowl in 3 years, well, it's positively euphoric.

****Fabian Basabe: Why Do You People Care?

A quick scan of my site's stats tell me that literally hundreds of people stumbled upon my site last week because they searched on Google for Fabian Basabe (see January 14). Why, people? Why?

I scarcely mentioned him, except to comment that on the basis of an Observer piece, he is an idiot. All those self-important rich people make me sick. All these rich kids who think they deserve to be a celebrity because someone in their family got lucky and made millions of dollars make me sick.

And Mr. Fabian "I prefer to be know as an It Kid, not a socialite!" Basabe makes me incredibly sick. He obviously underestimates the intelligence of everyone else in the world because he believes that he is special, and he further believes that it's perfectly okay to spend hundreds of dollars on expensive alcohol so that he can hobnob with other richies to perpetuate his shallow existence in the society pages. Fabian Basabe has a personal defect that inhibits him from succeeding based on the strength and integrity of his character rather than his incredible wealth.

Among other imbecile comments, he says "I think a lot of people would appreciate knowing that there are people that are taking advantage of a good life." Yeah, I'm SO EFFING HAPPY that you go out and socialize and do nothing with your life. That brings me great solace in my own struggling 9-5 existence, Mr. Fabian Basabe... THANK YOU! YOUR SACRIFICES ARE APPRECIATED!

And if you think I have something against rich people, I really don't. I have something against rich people who do little to acknowledge their privilege by providing mindless fodder for gossip columnists ... instead of, say, running a charitable organization to make the world a better place for us schmucks not lucky enough to be related to a Knight of Malta. (This is the perfect profession for rich kids, because it gives them ample time to socialize with other rich people.)

In conclusion, if you came to my site looking for information about Fabian Basabe... he's an idiot.

 


**** The Atkins Assault

Watching football yesterday, I saw numerous commercials for "Atkins-friendly" food and beer.

Do Americans have such a short-term collective memory that we've forgotten when "low-fat" was supposedly the way to lose weight and stay slim, and the food industry started making low-fat everything but we wound up getting fatter because everyone thought that as long as it didn't have fat in it you couldn't gain weight?

This is what will happen: People who want to avoid carbs and "be healthy" will embrace these "Atkins-friendly" foods and beers, and eat thousands of calories of them a day because they believe as long as it's low-carb, you can't gain weight. Sound familiar?

For some reason, the American public trusts the food industry. Maybe we psychologically associate them with our mothers. But the food industry doesn't care about your health. They are an industry. They did studies that show you'll not only buy low-carb pasta but pay 25% more for it, so they're going to make bad-tasting low-carb pasta. And the American public will confuse this abundance of low-carb offerings from the food industry as a sign that the Atkins Diet is effective and safe in the long-term.

 

Sunday January 18, 2004

****Rolling Stones: Still Holding On

Yesterday I watched a 2002 Rolling Stones concert on HBO (not the live one). Oh, how sad to watch elderly men cavorting around the stage, pretending they have retained the youthful vigor that once redefined rock and roll (and now only shames it).

Once Mick Jagger (love the picture on the web site) looked so cool strutting around stage with that pouty scowl... once Keith Richards looked cool strumming his guitar with that easy swagger.

But time turns Rock and Roll heroes into old men, and it's wrong and they must STOP IT. Watching extremely old people trying to rock out is embarrassing. "Can't you hear me knockin?"(answer the door, Keith, it's Dr. Kevorkian!) just doesn't have the same macho threat when you know the band has appeared on Austrian postage stamps.

Charlie Watts looks like a confused old man on his stamp. And just look at Ron Wood with the cigarette in his mouth, on the HBO concert and on his postage stamp! Sure, that looks cool when you're 20-30 years old, but when your face is all wrinkly under that multi-layered stage makeup, it's just depressing.

I find it odd and suspicious all these extra musicians are standing around the stage, and unless Mick Jagger has the cardiovascular fitness of a hummingbird, I'm pretty sure he's lip-synching.

 

****Reality Bites Philadelphia

The next season of MTV's Real World is reportedly going to be in Philadelphia. That'll be, um, boring. I mean, from New York to London to New Orleans to Las Vegas to Paris to Philadelphia?

I predict the cast for the Philadelphia season will be the drunkest, angriest, horniest cast yet!

Not that I still watch Real World. New Orleans was the last season I attempted to follow, and that sucked because every show educated us just a little too much about Mormons. And if there's anything the real world shouldn't have in it, it's Mormons trying to assimilate to our crazy heathen ways.

 

****Learn on a Sunday

Nervous about that Jeopardy appearance? Feeling like Marvel Comics Universe, Cheeses Of Europe, and Professional wrestling since 1995 are the only categories you'll be able to buzz in on?

Maybe it's time you looked at the Library of Congress Country Studies web page.

For instance, today I learned that there's a country called Seychelles, and it really sounds like a nice country to live in. It's a group of islands of of Africa in the Indian ocean with tropical but breezy climate. The main languages are Creole, English and French, and the inhabitants are mainly of European and African descent. The life expectancy in 1992 was 69.7. They have had multi-party elections since 1993. Women enjoy the same legal, political, economic, and social rights as men. Here is the country's web page.

 

Saturday January 17, 2004

****Let's Look at Urinals!

This site presents some pictures of lovely and some not-so-lovely urinals from around the world.

And ladies... if looking at men's urinals isn't scary enough for you... the female "Urinette" is truly chilling (note the tube attached to the fixture. Ugh!)

 

****Let's Watch the Power Grid Implode!

This video shows... well, I think it's a power station having some sort of failure or power surge? I don't know, but it's pretty cool to watch.

 

****Let's Watch Sketch Comedy!

This site has some amusing sketch comedy videos that are worth checking out.

I went to school in Pennsylvania with the tall Eric-half of the duo...

 

****Let's Look At Some Dicks!

This page has literally hundreds of Dick pictures. You know you want to look!

 

****Let's Look at Casino Chips!

This site displays Mr. Chipper's collection of casino chips, mostly from Nevada.

 

****Let's Learn about Spirituality from a Media Whore!

On this site, which is somehow affiliated with Madonna, learn how to raise your kids to be "spiritually-minded." Says Madonna about the program that this site advertises, "I only wish I had been exposed to understanding the laws of the universe when I was a kid." What? She honestly believes that this program teaches the LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE to children? What is wrong with that woman?

 

****Let's Have Giggle, Shall We!

"Grating" cards, from the Modern Humorist. Truly tasteless!

 

Friday January 16, 2004

****"Four legs good, two legs better!"

Six legs wrong! (here).

The calf, born last April, died during birth due to the complications of having two extra legs.

Yeah, that would complicate a few things.

Strangely, it's almost a feel-good story. Says farmer David Spinler, who is donating the calf's freakish corpse to Ripley's Believe It or Not, "Two hundred years from now this will be shown and my name will be on it and that means a lot to me." It's a real achievement. Your ancestors can gaze at the six-legged calf's corpse with real pride.

 

****Starbucks in Paris

Starbucks is set to invade Paris. Parisians are welcoming the coffee chain like they welcomed the Germans 64 years ago: With weepy indignation.

 

****Love that Dirty Water

Down by the banks of the river Charles
That's where you'll find me
Along with lovers, fuggers, and thieves
Well I love that dirty water
Oh, Boston, you're my home
--"Dirty Water", The Standells

This song never fails to amuse me. Nowadays, it would be "Along with the walkers, joggers, and those stupid freakin' rollerbladers who take up the entire path."

I hear "I love that dirty water" and I just grin. Cause that river is so unbelievable dirty and disgusting looking... but you have no choice but to love and accept it as one of the most beautiful natural elements of the Boston landscape. Especially if you live in Cambridge, cause that dirty water is all that seperates us from Boston, which for all its history and class is really just a trash-ridden city teeming with derelicts, tourists, college kids, wannabe Brahmin, and Big Dig refuse. (Maybe it's the cold, but I've been on a mean anti-Boston streak as of late. For all the "People's Republic of Cambridge" jokes, if Cambridge was its own country, it would be a marvelous country to live in.)

 

****Weirdest Web Site of the Day

LunchisFun.com? What is this madness? Is this meant for kids? Is this meant for adults? It's so intriguingly weird! What a brilliantly cryptic idea for a web site!

It makes you consider... was my lunch fun? Is my lunch ever fun? Shouldn't lunch always be fun? Shouldn't eating be an opportunity to bond socially while feasting on good food as a part of shared human reality, rather than cram food down you throat while banging out business email?

I posted my lunch, then reloaded the page and wound up posting twice. Since today was Friday and we had our weekly departmental lunch, it was actually a fun lunch. We talked about cats. It seems like many software development people favor cats over dogs.

 

Thursday January 15, 2004

****Paranoid Ramblings

An informal survey of several co-workers found that none of them knew what CAPPS II is. Since it has a low degree of name recognition despite the fact that it is a landmark piece of technology that probably 95% of Americans will come in contact with, here's Edward Hasbrouck's handy summation (found in full here):

CAPPS-II (the "Computer-Assisted Passenger Pre-Screening System", version 2) is the USA government's name for a proposed new system for identification, profiling, monitoring, surveillance, and enforcement of a "no-fly list" and other "watch lists". At first, CAPPS-II would be applied to airline passengers on flights to, from, or within the USA. Eventually it would be expanded to other modes of transportation such as trains, busses, and ferries.

Yeah, it doesn't sound so scary. Might even sound comforting. But though it's intended to screen out terrorists, its too invasive for the rest of us non-terrorist types, us regular "ramblin'" Americans who may not want the government to know we're flying to Disney World for a week. It's one more freedom we have to surrender to the whims of an ever-expanding government. Sure, I'll use a credit card to buy the tickets (which creates a permanent record in a database somewhere saying that I bought tickets to Disney World) but that's my choice.

My co-workers, looking at CAPPS II from a technology perspective, voiced concern over the glitches that could occur in such a system... forcing, say, a 78-year old retired school teacher from Nebraska to be detained by authorities for no reason. But I find the privacy issues to be much more disturbing. You may think, "So what? The government knows you're going to Philadelphia for two days? They don't care." As far as I'm concerned, the government only needs to know two things about me: 1- How much money I made last year and 2-Where to send my tax-refund. Anything more and it turns into a slippery slope of Orwellian Tyranny that would be impossible for citizens to stop.

Do I sound paranoid? Shouldn't I be glad that the government is doing something to protect me from terrorism? Well, who are the real terrorists here? The Government raises the "Terror Level" right before Christmas, citing ambiguous threats. Who did that help? It scared people unnecessarily (maybe even terrorized some) and is probably a political ploy to make us think that Bush's team has a handle on these nutty terrorists. God forbid there's ever another episode of plane terrorism in this country, but if there is, raising the meaning "Terror Level" didn't prevent it. Terrorism is something to stay alert for, but it's not something for which we should change our ideals in order to prevent.

Read more about CAPPS-II at the Electronic Frontier Foundation.

 

****It's. Very. Cold.

Yeah. In Boston, they're actually warning people not to go outside for longer than 15 minutes, lest ye get frostbitten.

All of my houseplants are dying because during the day the heat is off and the apartment gets cold. (I leave my closet door open so the cat can burrow in my dirty laundry for warmth.)

It's psychologically intimidating. The idea of going outside becomes unbearable, yet life cannot stop simply because it's cold. It's supposed to "warm up" on Saturday. Two people with whom I am acquainted are having B-day drink-togethers tonight. Hmmm... will I muster the fortitude to go outside? I didn't even think I'd bring myself to leave work.

 

Wednesday January 14, 2004

****Fabian Basabe: Rich Idiot

Does anyone else want this man to just go away?

 

****Hysterical for Juliette Lewis

I'm watching Hysterical Blindness on HBO. Maybe I've been out of Pennsylvania for too long, but Juliette Lewis does an excellent Jersey Girl. Uma Thurman is not quite as good. She's a little over the top.

People used to say I looked like Juliette Lewis. Multiple people, independently. Luckily, I grew out of it.

 

****Don't Eat This

Once upon a time, I naively assumed that recipes in magazines or on recipe web sites produced food that is not only delicious, but edible.

Well, in my experience, only about 25% of these recipes from magazines (mainly Food and Wine) and web sites (allrecipes.com, for one) are good enough to be made again; 50% produce okay food, but either didn't deserve an encore or weren't worth the time, effort or cost that went into the recipe; and 25% were nearly inedible.

As a public service, here are the top three worst recipes I have ever followed. Cook at your own peril!

1. Fiery Carrot Dip (see here for recipe)

First of all, unless you consider cinnamon applesauce to be wicked spicy, you will not find this recipe to be “fiery”. Second of all, it looks and I imagine tastes an awful lot like baby food. Third of all, the recipe never specifies what exactly can be dipped into this dip. Obviously not vegetables. I tried crackers and it was a little weird. Chips would be even stranger. It's a dip without any possible complementing dippers. Maybe pita bread, I guess... well, it still tastes like baby food. We ate it one night with dinner and had a lot left over. I tried to take it to work as a snack, but couldn't bring myself to actually consume it. Positively gross.

 

2. Atlantic Corn Chowder (3 potatoes, peeled and cubed, 1 onion, diced 1 1/2 cups 2 % evaporated milk, 1 (14.75 ounce) can cream-style corn)

This recipe is a puzzler. The result isn't the worst corn chowder I've ever had, though it comes close, as it was incredibly bland. What I don't understand is why it straddles the line between "quick" and "homemade". It requires peeling potatoes and chopping vegetables, yet it also utilizes evaporated milk and cream corn. What gives? If you're going to peel and chop veggies, might as well take the time to use real corn, milk and broth. Or if you rely on cans for quickness, might as well just eat canned corn chowder, which may add some actual seasoning to the soup. And what gives with the "Atlantic" moniker? Is that a ploy to make the chowder seem more authentic, even though it uses EVAPORATED MILK and CANNED CREAMED CORN. How revolting.

 

3.  Creamy Yogurt Humus (1 (15.5 ounce) can garbanzo beans, 1 clove garlic, peeled, 1 teaspoon salt, 1/2 cup fresh lemon juice, 2/3 cup plain non-fat yogurt)

Universal truth #1: It's not the garbanzo beans that makes Humus yummy... It's the tahini and added olive oil.  Tahini, which is like peanut butter made with sesame seeds, is high in fat, so it was inevitable that some lunatic decide to make a low-fat humus by omitting the tahini and oil, and adding non-fat yogurt.

Universal truth #2: Chick peas and yogurt do not go well together. This is the grossest recipe ever. If you want to make someone retch, serve them up this garbage.

 

Tuesday January 13, 2004

****Reflections on Teenage Techies In Which I Become a Bitter Old Woman

Almost every week, I read about how technology like cell phones and computers is transforming the social habits of teenagers. Like here, or here, or here, or here, or here. These articles, though dealing with technology that I use myself, still make me feel old at 26, as today's teenaged methods of communication contrast greatly with mine, which were 1- A land-line telephone and 2- Handwritten notes scribbled in study hall and (sometimes) during the more lackluster classes.

Blogs, IM-ing, cell phone text-messages... I feel as if I missed out on something by growing up when electric typewriters were the norm, floppy disks really were bendable, and anything I felt the urge to publicly declare had to be cleared with the faculty advisor for the high school newspaper.

Why are articles about the so-called "Born to be Wired" Generation constantly being published? Obviously people read them. Probably, like me, they feel awed at this new generation's aptitude to quickly adapt technology to suit their social life... envious of their youth and endless opportunity... and a little scared shitless.

People my age (plus and minus 3 years) were the last teenagers that weren't completely acclimated to the internet and cell phones during high school. Sure, I knew a few kids who dug computers, and I myself was component enough to play games and layout the high school newspaper, but by and large computer skills were acquired out of independent resolve.

What's going to happen when these kids who have been fully wired (with wireless gear, of course) since kindergarten train their ambitions on the working world? I've witnessed first-hand how slow and inept most older computer users are (with the near-universal exception of software development folks), like animals trying to function in an alien ecosystem. Yeah, I'm pretty hot stuff now, but what happens when a kid who spent 80% of his formative years functioning within a computer UI strolls into my office? The tables will turn, indeed!

Technology skills and knowledge have a way of stagnating, even if you make a conscious effort to keep them sharp. I see the future, and it's me being completely confused and disoriented by the technology that the wired generation develops and uses.

Same as how processor speeds have improved exponentially, people's skills and knowledge will grow exponentially. Legions of teenagers have mastered our most advanced technology, which is little more than fertilizer for the Next Big Things that will grow from their brains. It's going to be stuff that no one expects. When I was a teenager, who would've predicted the internet would be absorbed and accepted by mass culture so willingly?

Here I come to my meaningless conclusion: The future is exciting and scary. A 16-year old girl who has mastered her PDA/telephone/camera gadget represents a threatening prospect to anyone in the IT field over 20: If you don't adapt, you will be archaic in 15 years and wind up waiting tables at Applebees, where you can show off your formerly glorified IT skills by flawlessly keying food orders into your wireless order pad.

 

Monday January 12, 2004

****Advertising

There's this new Brawny Paper Towel Lumberjack on the Brawny label. When did this happen? Maybe they switched the guy a while ago and I didn't notice. I'm not that attuned to paper towels.

But yesterday in the store, I scanned the aisle and saw the words "massively improved" paired with an extremely, well, brawny man with dark hair, a beaming face, and forearms the size of Ronnie Colemen's thighs.

I mentally filtered and sorted images of literally thousands of advertising icons to recall a different Brawny man: Blond, rugged and mustached. More like a Lumberjack than this pretty boy.

This beefcake on the paper towels made me consider if Brawny uses sex appeal to entice buyers. What if the Brawny Lumberjack has been exciting the subconscious of housewives for decades?

What if women reach for the paper towels to gaze at the Lumberjack as they grasp the "massively improved" roll of towels in their hands, squeezing their fingers into the "soft & strong" firmness as they place it in the cart? Then sigh and waddle down to the toilet paper... a brief thrill to spice up the tedious chore of buying household paper products.

Sunday January 11, 2004

****Bowling for Warmth

Last last, looking for a wholesome indoor activity that wouldn't require much face-time with the arctic night air, we went bowling. Beforehand, I casually queried everyone about their bowling abilities, and to my relief everyone said "Oh, I'm not that good.". You see, I'm a little more competitive than the average person, and I know from experience that bowling is not my strength.

Well, all five people underestimated their bowling ability, scoring over 100 in both games. I got in the 60s both game. To me, that's not that good. I even played good for me, not getting into my typical gutter-rut.

It makes me feel better to publicly declare this: The counter guy at Lanes and Games in Cambridge needs to brush up on his customer service skills.

 

****Patriots Won

The game was on at the bowling alley and we watched the Patriots beat the Titans to advance in the playoffs.

 

****Celebrities: Shut Up

I hate when celebrities "endorse" candidates (read here and here). Oooh, Madonna "endorses" Wesley Clark! She's obviously a political science wizard!

Celebrities endorse products. For money. Why are they endorsing politicians? Do they feel we the public need their guidance?

 

 

Saturday January 10, 2004

****Current Weather

-1 degree F (Feels like -22 degrees F)

 

****Five Things I like About This Site

1. This site is done by a guy named Merlin.

2. It simply lists five things pertaining a random topic of the day.

3. It's easy to read!

4. It's cleverly written.

5. It deftly mixes nostalgia with cultural knowingness.

 

****Presidential Joke Writer

We all know there's presidential speech writers. But did you know that the White House also employs a humorist to guide the President through Washington's annual humor dinners? Read here.

Mark Katz made Clinton realize that "the most popular presidents have used wit to steal the ammunition from their critics as the best way to defend themselves". For example, Ronald Reagan said "I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." Ha ha ha! See, it's so funny, you forget that this was the guy who is responsible for it! It fact, it's so funny you almost wanna forgive him for it!

According to Katz, Clinton resisted at first poking fun at himself, but gradually evolved his own brand of humor: self-deprecating jibes, but with an elbow to his attackers, too.

 

****On Mars and the Public Image

A day before the press reported President Bush will announce plans to build a permanent space station that could serve as a Mars base, Anne Applebaum wrote an interesting editorial about how the public views space exploration like Star Trek, and how politicians and NASA exploit these illogical views for their own gain. The result is "billions of misspent dollars, more lethal crashes -- and a lot more misguided rhetoric about the 'inspiration of discovery'".

Too often, rational descriptions of the inhuman, even anti-human living conditions in space give way to public hints that more manned space travel is just around the corner, that a manned Mars mission is next, that there is some grand philosophical reason to keep sending human beings away from the only planet where human life is possible.

While sending humanity to Mars would certainly be quite an endeavor that would result in numerous gigantic scientific and technological steps forward, it would be expensive. Asks one paper, are Congress and the country willing to invest $130 billion to $240 billion in the project? This is gradual, of course; Bush will propose a funding increase for NASA at about $750 million a year.

And just what are Bush's political intentions? I could make a lame joke about George reading too many comic books or looking for Osama bin Laden, but the truth is much more sad: Bush is seeking a legacy-inspiring flavor of something beyond the polarizing issues of the war with Iraq and big tax cuts.

In other words, when you head to the booths, vote Bush! Cause he wants to go to Mars!

Why doesn't he try to build a legacy around, say, rebuilding public schools? Why Mars? If Bush thinks that this is not a polarizing issue, think again. While many people I know think it's a cool idea, they also know that this a huge project with many different variables that could take many years and still brilliantly fail . And who doesn't hear "$750 million dollars" and think of all the other things this money could do besides fund the huge blithering bureaucracy that is NASA?

 

Friday January 9, 2004

****The Cold

Nothing makes me happier to be a Bostonian than to see "-1 degrees" under "Current Temperature" on weather.com... except maybe seeing "Feels like -20 degrees" directly under it.

I need to state the obvious, because the more I say it, the better I feel: It's Cold.

We're not talking Typical Boston Winter Cold. I can deal with that. I wouldn't complain about that because a person can't move to Boston and complain about the winter.

From about 18 degrees on up, I'm fine. Below that and life outside becomes unbearable. Three pairs of socks. Two sweaters and two shirts. You wanna got out? Are you nuts?

 

****Seceding from Vermont

In college, everything and anything about Vermont was fetishized. From Phish to local dairy farmers to the Bread and Puppet Circus to the phat Snowboarding opps... Vermont epitomized cool.

Inevitably, a good friend dragged me to Killington, VT on a snowboarding excursion during winter break as the fifteenth person on a cabin share... not once but twice. This despite the fact I hate winter sports, did not have the gear nor clothes to do winter sports, and during breaks I was jobless (leaving me theoretically too poor to eat, let alone pay for snowboarding rentals and lessons).

Both times I bunked in a cramped hunter's cottage surrounded by scores of Phish kids who I had given up trying to relate to. I had more rapport with the half-dozen neglected dogs that these people trotted around like fashion accessories. There's something irritating about Phish kids. All the girls talked about was sewing and herbal medicine. All the guys talked about was snowboarding. When they interacted, people strived to sound as trippy and relaxed as possible.

The second year there was another girl at the cabin who hated snowboarding, hated Phish, and hated the idea of being trapped in a self-styled commune for days on end. We took snowboarding lessons the first day and woke up the second day sore and determined never to go back. Instead, she rented a snowmobile and we zoomed through the woods laughing and screaming (her in delight, me in terror). She left the next day and I spent the rest of the trip huddled in my bunk reading the complete works of Michael Bakunin.

Anyway, I didn't like Killington. But this is pretty cool: "Officials in this ski resort town are considering leaving Vermont and joining New Hampshire" because Killington is tired of propping up the rest of the state with their significant contribution to the tax coffer. It's a funny idea, but it's so ludicrous that I wonder if it's a ploy for publicity during the peak snow sport season?

 

Thursday January 8, 2004

****Controversy!

Wow, what's with all the Willard rage? Two people wrote me that they not only saw Willard (shocking enough) but that they hated it, and hated me for liking it, and I "never should have got that lobotomy."

You're right, it was a bad idea. This scar is murder to walk around with. People look at me all funny. You see, the government gave me *guaranteed maximum social security benefits* if I got it done. Because my mind was a lethal weapon that had to be neutralized.

Anyway, come on! What's wrong with you people? Crispin Glover is the best actor around. Who's better, Tom Cruise? Jim Carrey? Tom Hanks? Please. One of them try to play Willard. They could never pull it off.

 

****A Whole New Kind of Men's Magazine

It used to be a "men's magazine" featured pictures of naked women. Yow!

But now there's Cargo magazine, which understands that all men really want to do is shop.

Cargo is "all about the stuff you want." Except women, because Cargo understands that once you have all the right stuff, you'll have women any time you want. Real ones, not naked ones in magazines.

What do men want? Cars, guitars, t-shirts, phones, CDs, kickin' boots, gadgets, video games and skis, for a start.

Cargo does the shopping for you... Idiot-proof shirt-pant-shoe combos in the latest, most accessible styles for any occasion...You'll be able to see and compare every new cell phone, PDA and laptop on the market... Take the guesswork out of shopping for that special someone.

It's funny how a magazine trying to sound all hip and trendy writes marketing copy like a fifty-year old man. Snore!

Both en and I received junk mail from Cargo mag today. I hate for myself for getting junk mail from this magazine.What kind of mailing lists am I lurking on?

 

Wednesday January 7, 2003

****Movie Review: Willard

When Willard came out early last year, I (a diehard fan of Crispin Glover) and en (a fan of cheesy horror flicks) resolved to go see it. Then it got roundly trashed by critics, and our resolve softened just long enough until, before we knew it, Willard disappeared from theatres.
 
For months now, en has been saying “We have to rent Willard”, but only in situations when renting a DVD is a totally irrelevant option (like when we’re sitting in a movie theatre, waiting for the movie to start.)
 
Then, last night, I finally tracked down two illusive songs by the Warlock Pinchers… songs that I loved a little too much as a teenager. The Warlock Pinchers were the original Punk Rap band. One of the songs is about “That cry-baby sonuva...” Morrissey ("making lots of money with boring songs like Suedehead"), and the other one is “Where the Hell is Crispin Glover?” The latter lit a fire under en, who promptly rushed out to Video Oasis to rent Willard.
 
Click here to read my review of Willard, the first movie to receive an astounding three thumbs!

Click here to see pictures of the infamous 1987 David Letterman show when Crispin almost kicks Letterman in the face. Ah, now that's cool!

 

****Today's Moron

A Wiscousin man wants to sue his cable company because "the reason I smoke and drink every day and my wife is overweight is because we watched TV every day for the last four years" and the cable company apparently didn't turn off the cable after he repeatedly pleading. Read about it here.

 

****Let's Talk about the Weather

Here in Boston, it's freezing. Artic air is moving into New England, and it's staying here until Sunday.

It's funny how Florida defines frigid weather as being 40 degrees.

Frigid weather turns most women into waddling heaps of clothes. But not me! I've read the LHJ (that's the Ladies Home Journal!) 10 Tips for Looking Chic in Frigid Weather. It includes inspired advice like "Wear a hat. Wear gloves."

Never would have thought of that. Here it's 10 degrees out with a severe wind chill and I've been flouncing around town with my head and fingers exposed. Thank goodness the LHJ is around to keep today's modern woman warm and stylish!

 

Tuesday January 6, 2003

****Trend Alert: Fur

Fur is always in at my apartment, where the striking and delicate Coffee sports a long-haired tortie coat that is widely admired and worshipped. She exhibits great pride in her fur coat, often spending hours at a time feverishly attending to its upkeep and maintenance, and she protects her right to care for the coat by fending off brushes and combs with a solid hiss.

Elsewhere, wearers of fur (not too long ago thought of as Soulless Sadists who would don baby fingernail necklaces if it was in style) boldly appear in public wrapped in their Precious Animal Pelts. Confronting a fur-wearer in public with harsh words or even a can of paint is passe (which happens with any socially-conscious trend perpetuated by celebrities, who have the attention span of a 3-year old hepped up on a one-pound bag of Skittles).

I've definitely seen more full-length fur coats in Boston lately, mostly on glam Brahmin women making their way from a vehicle to an upscale establishment, but also on several bold ladies on the T. Fur coats on the T tend to be on women who don't have the hair, jewelry, shoes, purse or clothes to carry off the high-class image that fur projects, making them look like they either inherited the fur or picked it up at a pawn shop and are attempting to flaunt what they obviously don't have. Those are the sort of women who carry around decaying Saks Fifth Avenue shopping bags from that time five years ago they bought something there.

As this article in the NYTimes points out, as a result of the anti-fur sentiment of years past, it's now an Act of Fashion Rebellion to wear a fur, though it notes many women prefer fur as an appurtenance (like a fur collar on a wool coat) as opposed to the full-lengths.

Though I own no fur, I would be a hypocrite to denounce fur, as I get visibly excited about leather... real leather. Yeah, I have vinyl coats and faux-leather shoes, but they just don't compare to the incredible loveliness of leather. Wearing a leather coat is like having a strong, handsome, lovely fly-weight man draped around your shoulders. Wearing leather boots is like evolving your feet to a more perfect and complete form.

Ethically, I can't say leather is "better" than fur, though leather comes from the hides of used-up milk cows. It's still an animal that lives in horrible circumstances. So if wearing leather is just as bad as wearing fur, why do people like me have more of a problem with fur?

There is something gaudy about fur that I don't like. For one thing, on average fur is much more expensive than leather. Plus, fur is frilly. I'll ride my bike in my leather jacket, but in a fur? I see a woman wearing a fur, and that's all she's doing. She's wearing a fur. She can't do much else except walk daintily and smile. It's a little like Chinese Foot-binding, in that wearing a fur renders you useless to do just about anything else productive. And if we talk about numbers-based brutality, fur seems more cruel. It probably takes more minks to construct a full-length coat than it would take cows.

But, then again, the world is very cruel to animals in many ways. Unless you're a hard-core PETA person not only avoids fur, leather and meat, but any product (including medicine and vaccines) that has been tested on animals or made by a company that does animal testing, you're being cruel to animals. Humanity takes up space that once belonged to animals. Just our very large presence on this planet is cruel to animals.

So how can I sit here surrounded by paper that came from trees that were once home to birds, bugs and rodents and say fur is animal cruelty? How can I live in a building and walk on streets that we stole from the animals and say fur is animal cruelty? The mere fact of being human is animal cruelty.

I was wavering on the issue. Could fur be okay? Could I ever convince myself to wear a fur? They look so warm and soft, and I'd look like a moneyed young lady.

It just took one quick scan of the Fur Commission USA web site to convince me that I don't think fur is for me unless there's a live kitty inside.

 

Monday January 5, 2005

****Movie Review: Big Fish

I had to pretend I liked this movie because I picked it and made other people go to it with me. I even convinced myself that I liked it. I told other people it was alright. But now I have to come clean: Big Fish stank.

Click here to read my review of Big Fish.

 

****Prediction

I will get the flu this year. At work, I sit five feet away from a coughing, wheezing man who just got over a week-long flu bout in the company of his two flu-ridden kids. I probably will not catch it from him, but it's still ot a good omen.

Listening to his thunderous draft-inducing coughs, I got a premonition of myself in bed, weak as a baby and feverish as a jackal, my head alternately whipping in anguish and then dormant for ten-hour blocks of time. Maybe I'll summon the energy to take a sip of water or even feed myself.

en would be forced to become my caretaker, cook, maid, and errand-man. That would be the fun part.

 

****Funny Words

Sometimes I see a word that I don't remember ever seeing before and it looks funny, like a foreign word. Today, in an article about the Ohio sniper scare, I saw "Ohioans," referring to, of course, residents of that big BLAH state Ohio. I think it's the "ioa" vowel combination that's disturbing me.

Anyway, in searching for "Ohioans" via Google, I came across the Ohioans for Concealed Carry web site. Pretty thorough and well-done for a kinda esoteric issue.

Isn't it interesting how, in supporting their position on carrying concealed weapons, they link to news stories about raising homicide rates? Could the solution to gun violence really be more guns? Perhaps it could. Maybe crime would go down if criminals had to assume that the person they are about to rob, rape or kill has a gun.

 

Sunday January 4, 2004

****Massachusetts Lifts Ban on Sunday Alcohol Sales

Can you believe it? Today at noon is the first time in centuries that alcohol can legally be sold in Massachusetts on a Sunday. Read about it here (Wine Spectator) or here (Christian Science Monitor).

It's a part of an economic stimulus package signed by Gov. Mitt Romney. While I'm all for lifting the ban, I don't know how much economic stimulus this will provide. Will people drink more? Doubtful. Will they stop driving to NH and VT to buy alcohol on Sundays? Maybe, but if they're already in the habit, it would be cheaper to continue to leave the state, as liquor in MA is heavily taxed.

Yet this is a highlight of Romney's economic stimulus plan, which also includes:

Hmmm. Sounds like Romney is mainly giving tax breaks to the rich, with token "looks good on paper" gestures that will hardly rev up MA's doldrums-dwelling economy.

The Technology Transfer Center? How many jobs will that create, especially when earlier this year Romney gutted the UMass systems of funding, damaging UMass's ability to produce technology that industry would want? The Tax Rebate? Companies are eligible for the rebate if they create at least 10 (ten) jobs in MA a year.

Not to totally critique Romney. I think he's on the right track, but I'm woefully unimpressed with the results. But I'll buy a six pack of Sam Adams Light today, all in the name of economic stimulus.

 

Saturday January 3, 2004

****A Little Better

I still can't summon the concentration to write anything remotely interesting. I thought being depressed was supposed to help writers, but maybe it's only if you're depressed and drunk.

This amused me greatly for about ten minutes: The Adolescent Poetry Generator. Every time you hit Reload, a different poem displays. It really brought me back to the days when I too was an adolescent poetry generator.

 

Thursday January 1, 2004

****Obligatory Comment on the New Year

I don't have a New Year's Resolution, as I feel they are token acknowledgements of inalterable defects that one has no intention of permanently mending. In other words... if you're going to successfully quit smoking, lose weight, work harder, whatever, do you think you have a better shot by invoking the power of the New Year's Resolution?

Typically, I don't have any resolutions for myself, but I have some for other people: