My wonderful sister gifted me with a subscription to Modern Bride magazine, and I’ve been receiving it since January. I’ve developed a love/hate relationship with the magazine. It does directly cater to my current mindset by offering loads of neat-o ideas about weddings. For example, it has inspired me to wear light blue nail polish to take care of the “something blue” adage. Hurray!
But Modern Bride also leaves me with the sense that everything I’ve chosen to do, wear, serve, and mail is wholly inadequate. Everything in its pages is basically unattainable to average brides like myself who’d rather save for a mortgage than spring for a $3,878 platinum-plated clutch or a $13,650 gold, pearl and diamond bangle with “old world appeal.”
Mr. Pinault peers at the pages of Modern Bride over my shoulder. “That’s a nice dress,” he’ll say, pointing a cathedral-length satin ballgown with a diamond-encrusted bodice. “Eh, it’s a little showy,” I’ll insist, picturing my actual dress, currently on order, which he hasn’t seen yet and hence I will decline to describe at this time.
I’ve come to understand that Modern Bride is positioning itself as Cosmopolitan for brides, a view that was reinforced by an article I stumbled upon this morning during breakfast. One minute I’m reading a Q&A about what to do if your Groom doesn’t like your dress, the next minute…
Wedding-Night Sex Moves the banner headline screamed. Surprise him with these hot new positions. “Omigod!” I exclaimed, putting down my cereal spoon. It was a pretty shocking juxtaposition, because Modern Bride is all about white dresses, flower girls, and flowers. I began reading aloud to Mr. Pinault: As you leave the reception, you’ll likely be rehashing every detail of your big day. Your new husband, on the other hand, will probably be thinking about one thing and one thing only: hot, steamy wedding-night sex.
As he laughed (probably picturing himself thinking about wedding-night sleep), I scanned the five sex positions that Modern Bride describes in uncomfortable, meticulous, scientific detail. “Nothing new here,” I yawned. I was shocked, though. I guess these are the salacious details that one won’t get from a wedding planner.
