Political Stratagem
Vice President Dick Cheney announced on a talk-show that Hillary Clinton could win the presidency, calling her a “formidable candidate” who should not be underestimated. I’ll never agree with anything that comes out of that man’s mouth. Either he’s deeply out of touch with America, or using reverse psychology to stoke the Democrat’s confidence in a candidate with a snowball’s chance of winning, or trying to galvanize Republican voters to stay with the G.O.P. lest his bleak prophecy come to fruit.
Cheney went on to assert that he would not run for President. “It’s firm, final, fixed, irrevocable… If nominated, I will not run; if elected, I will not serve.” You can believe him, too. He was elected Vice President and, as far anyone knows, hasn’t served a single day.
The Six-Pack Diet
Sanitary piping at sorority houses are in universal duress as a new study reveals that the average college freshman gains anywhere from 3.6 to 7.8 pounds. Binge drinking, unhealthy food choices, and a drop in physical activity are cited as probable causes.
I actually lost about 10 pounds during my first year at college. UMass is practically a fat camp. The dining hall food toed the line of inedible, the vast campus was served by a lousy shuttle service, and late-night snacking was accompanied by alcohol-induced vomiting and subsequent early-morning nausea that staved off the urge to eat breakfast. That’s my diet advice, kids: Always drink until you puke.
Mating Calls, Cries
Studies have found two more activities that may lower a man’s sperm count: Taking antidepressants like Prozac and talking on mobile phones for prolonged periods of time.
Maybe this explains why men who chatter constantly on their cells are such a turn off: They have a 40% less chance of being able to impregnate me. And while every woman loves a man who can cry, we generally avoid men who cry repeatedly, and for no reason. I don’t wish infertility on any human, but it’s amazing at how natural selection has synced with our doped-up and wireless modern world.
Iceland Goes Ahab
Iceland has broke a 20-year International Whaling Commission ban on commercial whaling by killing an endangered fin whale. Finally, a chance to try that recipe for whale mincemeat pie!
Countries as seemingly as advanced as Iceland, Norway, and Japan justify the senseless slaughter of these intelligent, sentient beings by asserting that commercial whaling is essential to their economy and a part of their heritage. But by that logic, America should be allowed to reinstitute the enslavement of African-Americans. Slavery is excellent for the economy (those migrant worker salaries are back-breaking), and it’s apart of our illustrious heritage.
