The G8 annual summit is winding down, and despite feeling deeply apolitical these days, I suppose I better start paying attention. Because it’s the news, and it’s of historic consequence, and it’s more dignified to mock global leaders than chatter about how Paris Hilton has single-handedly undermined the American penal system.
Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany played host to this year’s summit, held at a ritzy Baltic resort that was insulated from determined protestors by a razor-topped seven-mile fence (that’s seven miles long, not tall.) Among the leaders, poor Bush was as uncool as the star quarterback at science club meeting. Even stalwart pal Tony Blair rebuffed Bush’s gushing sentiments (”This is the last meeting I will have with him as prime minister… I’m sad about that”) with coolness: “To be absolutely frank at the moment, I haven’t had time to be nostalgic”. How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
As is tradition, the host country set the agenda, and Angie made it clear that global warming would be the prevailing issue, even though February’s G8+5 2007 summit focused on climate change and proclaimed “a new paradigm for international cooperation.” Apparently, that new paradigm is G8-5. But any meeting about greenhouse gas emission cuts is going to end with G7 at one end of the table, glowering and spitting at the perpetual G1. Bush balked at how the agreement was so goddamn “binding” (Bush is a noted fan of those non-binding agreements). Despite failing to get Bush to agree to cut emissions by 50 percent by 2050, Angie declared victory.
Aside from global warming, other headline-grabbing topics included Bush’s stomach ailment, which invoked inevitable punning about how Bush was feeling “under the weather.” Putin’s surprise proposal to Bush for a joint missile shield in Azerbaijan to defend against Iran was an intriguing but probably empty gesture. And as a grand finale, the leaders pretended real humanitarian work was achieved by renewing their 2005 summit pledge to send 60 billion dollars to Africa to fight diseases. While the eye-popping monetary amount will make headlines, you may notice that no new money is actually being pledged. Bono, for one, is “exasperated… I think it is deliberately the language of obfuscation… We wanted numbers but this is burobabble… We are looking for accountable language and numbers. I might be a rock star but I can count.”
Well spoken, Bono. I like that, battling burobabble with bonobabble. Why isn’t U2 invited to the G8? And why is Italy still invited, despite their farcical electoral processes and stagnating economy? And what the heck is Emperor Putin doing there, anyway? Maybe they should make it the G6. But that would raise a question of which informal international summit group that Italy and Russia belong to. Certainly not the D8, or the G11, or the G20, or the G33. Whatever. I guess it doesn’t hurt to have them there. As long as they sing Kumbaya before ducking into their armored limos to be whisked back to their native lands, it’s all in good faith.
