Today I checked my web site statistics for the first time since April. Ironically, though my blogging attentiveness has reached record lows, the number of hits continues to mount, to the point where I’m cresting 500 unique hits per day. And though 85% of those visitors stay for 30 seconds or less (just about the amount of time necessary to ascertain the absence of porn), a full 7.5% of visitors stay for more than 30 minutes! Probably because they’ve fallen asleep!
Actually, at first my feelings were hurt that the vast majority of Interneteers who land here via search engines are falling-over-eager to leave. But a quick scan of their queries makes me realize that it’s my fault. I’m not doing anything to help these people in the quest for information. Perhaps if I target my content to what the public wants, I can continue to build my readership without having to resort to celebrity gossip, a food dairy, and/or peep show pics.
With that in mind, today I will be answering some recent REAL questions posited via search engine queries.
what time to get in line for rei garage sale?
Funny you should Google! Yesterday Mr. P and I went to the REI Garage Sale in Reading. It started at 10am and we got in line at 8:15am. Pretty proud of ourselves — only about 30 people were in front of us — but we still didn’t reach the backpacks or shoes fast enough to hoard dozens of items in a big pile like a bunch of greedy backwoods pirates. I ended up with a cute Prana summer dress for $9 (retails $65) and Mr. P got a random assortment of gear, including a $12 triathlon watch that fell off in the lake at this morning’s triathlon (there is usually a good reason why people return this stuff to the store).
what is the shed like at tanglewood?
It’s exactly what it sounds like — a shed! Only, instead of being an enclosed structure used to store tools, lawn mowers, and household explosives/poisons, its a big, open-air music venue where old rich white people go to see, be seen, and listen to Wagner.
my cholesterol is 0 is that healthy?
Once I was in France and saw my father-in-law taking some pills after dinner. He’s 72, but very healthy and fit, so I asked my husband what the pills are for. It turns out his doctor was concerned that his “good” HDL cholesterol is too high and his “bad” LDL cholesterol was too low! The man is a living French paradox. He inhales full-fat dairy products, meats, and wine on a daily basis and his biggest health problem is his HDL cholesterol is too high.
Now, I’m no doctor. But based on this, I’d venture to guess that you’re a fucking idiot. Your cholesterol is not 0.
what s a really pretentious adverb?
How about “platitudinously”?
i bought cheeries and they are cojoined. why is that?
I am sublimating the urge to poke fun at your spelling by focusing instead on your actual question, which is a good one. Why are cherries conjoined? The answer: Genetic engineering experiments! That’s right, you are eating Frankenfruit.
can i eat ice cream if my cholesterol is 201?
Going by conventional wisdom’s standards of 200 and above as “high” cholesterol, your cholesterol is 1 higher than normal. You are a ticking time bomb. Not only should you not eat ice cream, you should avoid cheese, butter, chocolate, meat, eggs, or any other animal-derived food. If your doctor hasn’t already, I hereby sentence you to a lifetime of soy dogs and tofutti.
armani idole is it good for a 20 yrs old?
Yeah, if she’s sort of slutty.
is fresh killed meat unhealthy?
Yes! Definitely, if you have a choice, opt for the meat that’s been dead for a really long time.
un baiser s il vous plaît any sex scenes?
Calm down. It’s a French movie. The French have sex scenes in their cracker commercials.
why wear googles swim
Why? Why? Because otherwise you’ll bathing your eyes in chlorine, and you probably won’t be able to see anything, and you’ll probably swim into a wall. (How ever did you manage to turn the computer on without hurting yourself?)
i went swimming in the ocean with my period and my blood became green?
I believe this means you’re half-mermaid.
how do you say 17 days until i go on my cruise i can not wait in french?
“Je suis une idiote américaine qui ne peut même pas parler correctement l’anglais.”
*******
That’s all the time I have for questions today! Here are some more Google search queries that were, lamentably, not phrased in interrogative form…
macys perfumes their bills
recent deaths from perfume samples
sexy pants
yoga breathing for swollen ankles
average income of a jagerette
pure protein adverb good
accompleshed poet
crystal methamphetamine sweat oil hair sore throat
green green days and green green eyes green sky and green green face
cinnabon and drug euphemism
heart made out of gum
male nudity netflix watch instantly
men with beautiful breasts
methacton sexy girls
smuggle cheese
computers internet blog
norm macdonald alcoholism is not a disease
jenna bush and mennonites
i hate your body i hate your face
my audi is rough passing third gear
my toenail is dead and nothing is underneath
peep show los angeles airport peep show
peep shows in cape cod
peep show onward christian soldiers
itchy bites on balls and butt
the beastie boys albums for pre teens
shows starring you
lil miss sunshine pageants in massachusetts
we reached the second traffic light and turned left adverb
stake your today
death of a middle manager
lobstering phrases
i been doing the spinning class at the gym 3 to 4 times a week i haven t seen any results it seems that mey legs are geeting bigger comments
french sneer
out of shape on the pemi loop
the brook that runs down mt. isolation
green hit my car
pharmacy exercises
wasabi altoids
plastic children at play signs shaped like children
pigeon are monogamist
windbreaker woman
please return because
poems about strangers
adverbial blood
