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Beverage Review: Vitaminwater10

Just yesterday I read in the New York Times that the beverage company Glaceau, a division of Coca-cola, was unleashing a 10-calorie version of their popular Vitaminwater via a $50 million multimedia marketing campaign. Glaceau is confident that Vitaminwater10 will become the nutrient-enhanced low-calorie hydration of choice for active consumers because it features an all-natural blend of sweeteners from the stevia plant. “When we cracked the code on the sweetener late last year,” said the Chief of Marketing, “we felt we had to bring this out in a big way.”

Hence, this morning as I was exiting South Station, a young woman donned in Vitaminwater garb handed me a free bottle of Vitaminwater10. I could have snuck the bottle into my bag and grabbed one more from another young woman stationed nearby, but the one and only time I ever drank Vitaminwater I was repulsed by its sweet chemical taste, like flat soda doused with generic juice concentrate.

As if this free sample wasn’t enough of a marketing blitz, as I walked to the office I saw a kiosk advertisement for Vitaminwater10 that proclaimed it was “healthier than googling your Ex.” Woah, that’s pretty damn healthy… I guess? Now I just can’t wait to drink Vitaminwater10, because the people who make it are cognizant of all my little batshit quirks. 

The flavor of my free sample is called “essential orange-orange.” According to the essential orange-orange white paper, “Vitaminwater10 is the perfect combination -it’s only 10 calories (per serving), naturally sweetened and tastes amazing.” Which confirms my suspicions that this drink is aimed at People Who Don’t Like the Taste of Water. I’ve never understood these people, because water doesn’t really have taste. It’s water. But this paradoxical thirst for a beverage that is sweet but confers no caloric energy has given rise to this demand for enhanced-water, which speaks of our society’s growing disconnection with nature and a reliance on commercial products to calibrate our body’s needs and wants. Perhaps that’s why Vitaminwater10 strikes me as such a distopian name for a beverage.

I forgot about my free bottle of Vitaminwater10 essential orange-orange until 2pm. Then I cracked open the bottle and took a gulp. The sweetness is not convincing. Neither is the orange. And still there’s an aftertaste that reminds me of chewable kids vitamins. After a few more swallows, I put the bottle aside until a co-worker saw it and gave me a knowing look, like I knew you were one of those people who don’t like the taste of water. So I emptied it in the sink and tossed the bottle in the recycling bin. If a perfect beverage is low calorie hydration with a sweet taste, no artificial sweeteners, and 100% RDA Vitamin C, well, I’ll stick to water-water.

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