When it comes to days of the week, Tuesday doesn’t have much going for it. So it seems unfair that Tuesday’s two claims of fame – Super Tuesday and Mardi Gras – are falling on the very same Tuesday. Our attention is divided. There’s the masquerading hedonists engaging in wanton revelry, and then there’s the festive parade on streets of New Orleans.
Confession: I am a registered Democrat. Sentient beings have no other choice in the state of Massachusetts, because the only Republicans who dare run for office are self-made businessmen or wack-job crusaders against gay marriage. So my dilemma was… Hillary or Obama? Ah, it felt so good to actually weigh the candidates’ merits instead of figuring out who was the lesser evil. I’ve supported Obama all along, but lately the gender issue gnawed at me. Would I really vote for a candidate because she’s a woman? It turns out: Yes, I would, as long as she isn’t a war-mongering socialist.
Mitt Romney’s bid for the Presidency is rightfully doomed, but I did vote for Mitt as Governor of Massachusetts, so he occupies a teensy-tiny soft spot in my heart. Mitt, if you want to save your campaign, you better act fast. Too many boring Presidential candidates wait until after they lose the election to show their true personalities. Look at Robert Dole, who during his campaign was indistinguishable from a corpse, and then turned out be a comedic genius. And Al Gore, the “Little Wooden Boy,” totally thawed out.
Mitt, people make up reasons not to like you because there’s something intangibly repellent about your demeanor. It’s not your fault, but you Mormons have this creepy cultish non-emotional optimism that grates the nerves of all us non-believers. Your only option is to go publicly batshit nuts. Get thee to New Orleans, don a feather mask, hop on a float, and throw beads and doubloons to parade-goers who flash you their voter registration cards. Perhaps the convergence of Super Tuesday and Mardi Gras is auspicious. What have you got to lose?
