Today is my two-week marriage anniversary. I can’t believe it’s been two weeks. How fast these precious seconds slip away. Our bonds of matrimony strengthen with each passing day, as we create precious memories, enjoy good times, weather the bad times, and bask in the sweet surprises that these glorious two weeks have yielded. Mr. P grows a bit more handsome every day, except last Friday, when he looked sort of tired.
I am referring to our “marriage,” which consisted of a civil ceremony, as opposed to our “wedding,” which is still to come. The marriage was necessary to begin the process of acquiring Mr. P’s Green Card — a surprisingly intense ordeal. Naively, I pictured us handing a gruff gray-haired judge our marriage license along with some old utility bills. He’d ask some questions, fill out a few papers, and then hand over a Green Card: “Have a great life together, you crazy kids!”
No. In this day and age, getting a Green Card involves lawyers, the Department of Homeland Security, truckloads of paperwork, and thousands of dollars in fees. As the Sponsor, I must prove that I am financially able to support the Alien that I propose to make part of this country. Of course, I pull in peanuts compared to Mr. P’s Payday candy bars, but they don’t care about the Alien’s salary. They just want to make sure the Alien doesn’t have tuberculosis, AIDS, smallpox, typhoid fever, yellow fever, scarlet fever, measles, diphtheria, or the plague.
Yes, just in case he carried any dirty immigrant diseases when he came to North America from France 12 years ago in the steerage class of a steamship, Mr. P must undergo a thorough medical examination complete with vaccinations and blood tests. It’s like a compulsory sanity test to gain entrance to an insane asylum.
I feel constantly compelled to clarify that while we got married in order to get Mr. P’s Green Card, that wasn’t the only reason. To suffer through the process of acquiring a Green Card, love is a prerequisite. I mean, that a beautiful American woman would marry an odd-looking Frenchman so that he could get a Green Card, that only happens in the movies.
