A Japanese professor wrote a book that speculates North Korean dictator Kim Jong II died of diabetes complications in 2003 and was replaced by a body double. How many headshots of roly-poly 5’3″ Asian men did the National Defence Commission of North Korea have to sift through before they found their man? “This guy’s bouffant is knocking me out, but his jowls just aren’t convincing.”
The professor, an expert on the Korean peninsula, cites as evidence Kim’s whirlwind diplomatic activity leading up to 2003 followed an abrupt, unexplained retreat from the public eye. This could be explained by death, but it could also be explained by a reversal in North Korean policy, assassination fears, despotic whimsy, or a preemptive sequestration upon the mortifying release of 2004’s Team America: World Police, in which Kim is portrayed by a marionette who, among other things, throws UN weapons inspector “Hans Bwix” into a tank of sharks. What dictator wouldn’t turn a little bashful?
Also noted in the book is how American spy satellites photographed Kim in 2006, and he apparently grew 2.5 centimeters. So maybe it was a body double pretending to be the deceased Kim. Or, the real Kim decided to enhance his height with a pair of heel lifts. Or… wait, America has technology to measure a person’s height to the millimeter from space, and I still can’t find a freaking functional Coinstar machine in all of Boston? Priorities, people!
The professor admits his Kim body-double theory may sound fantastic, but points out in North Korea, “fantasy and reality are not mutually exclusive.” Think of North Korea as Disney World, except all the food kiosks are barren, all of the attractions are in permanent renovation, and all of the magical characters have been rolled up into one tyrannical little villain named Dear Leader who drinks $800,000 of Hennessy a year. It’s the crappiest place on Earth.
