(Here for “Hallmark card yanked from shelves after woman claims it promotes teen sex.”)
Well, I don’t have anything much to do today. I think I’ll go shopping. I’ll go to the Fashion Bug to hunt for off-season sweaters on sale, then I’ll visit the birds and fish at PetSmart, and then I’ll poke around the Hallmark store. How I do love their wholesome greeting cards and keepsake ornaments.
Oh, look at this birthday card, with the little boy with chocolate smeared all over his face. Bless him. And if there’s anything cuter than a baby with a birthday cake, I’ve never seen it. So precious. And look, Snoopy! Now that is just pure innocence, like greeting cards should be. Here’s the Belated Birthday section. Goodness, look at that sad dog. If that ain’t just the saddest doggie ever. And the Friendship section. Ugh, it’s an unpleasant Maxine card. That callow hag. Who buys these things? Oh, look at those two little girls, holding hands on the swings. The Love section. Hmm, well this one is all words, so I guess it’s okay. Oh, pretty rose. I like that rose.
WOAH. What is this? Oh my goodness. Two… two wine glasses on the cover, and it says inside the card, “Care for some liquid clothes remover?” Well, I never. I cannot believe Hallmark is irresponsible enough to sell this smut.
Oh my goodness. This card must be removed from the store immediately. A teenager could see this card, and choose to drink wine and become sexually promiscuous. Teenagers are so impressionable, and Hallmark greeting cards are so influential. I must go ask the clerk to remove the card. And then I will call the local newspaper, and alert them to how Hallmark is trying to turn my 18-year old daughter into a wine-swilling whore.
