Brer Mitt
Lippity-clippity Republican Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney apologized for describing the Big Dig as a “tar baby,” claiming he was simply describing a “sticky situation”. Obviously one as calculating and cautious as Mitt would not risk political suicide by knowingly using a derogatory term, but in today’s soundbite-oriented political landscape, “tar baby” may prove to be Romney’s tar baby.
New Englanders are familiar with Mitt’s moronic ad-libs, but how will Mitt handle damage control on a national level? I am reminded of the scene in Clerks II, when Randall, after repeatedly saying “porch monkey” in front of African-American customers, protests that he had no idea it was a slur, and then decides to “take back” porch monkey as a non-racial term. This may be Romney’s only alternative: Take back Tar Baby. Explain the delightful history behind the Uncle Remus stories (po’ white man makes mint off of African-American folk tales) and demand that this folkloric figure no longer be taboo in modern parlance.
DIY Liposuction
In Framingham, a 24-year old Brazilian woman died after paying $3,000 to undergo liposuction in a condominium basement. The “doctor” and his wife/”nurse” regularly make trips from Brazil to Massachusetts in order to service the immigrant community with cheap, illegal cosmetic surgery. Win-win!
Liposuction is considered the easy way to rid the body of unwanted fat, but when it involves getting sliced open in the basement of a condo building to have 10-15 pounds of flesh sucked from one’s body… well, doesn’t a sustainable regime of thoughtful eating and daily exercise sound easier?
Comandante: Resting Comfortably
Fidel Castro is in stable condition after undergoing surgery to stop intestinal bleeding caused by the rigors of being a Communist dictator. However, the doctor who performed the surgery is now experiencing intestinal bleeding caused by the rigors of performing surgery on a Communist dictator.
Meltdowns
The big story in the news is how Israel is gearing up to wipe Lebanon off the face of the Earth . I am deeply disturbed by this latest Middle East crisis, not only because Israel is killing a lot of civilians and Iran is getting riled, but because most Americans still blindly, unquestionably support Israel.
But I digress. No need to get controversial, for I suspect that I lost a chunk of my readers after yesterday’s erotic tomato poem. So let’s focus on a subject we can all rally around: Mel Gibson’s meltdown and subsequent public pillory. During a DUI arrest, Gibson reportedly said “Fucking Jews – the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world”. After sobering up, he claimed he “said things that I do not believe to be true and which are despicable.” Can rampant alcoholism really make one anti-Semitic? Or is another case of a mega-star simply losing touch with all reality? One thing is for sure: The Jews that run Hollywood are not amused.
